To ask if you've had marriage counselling?

[marmaladeandchickens]

I feel like I should try everything before calling time on my marriage but just the same I really don't want to be married any more (just staying for the children at the moment) so I don't know if it's any use.

Any thoughts?

I have, and it helped, but we had one specific issue we both knew needed sorting rather than lots, and we were both dedicated to it. If your husband isn't engaged in the process it'll be a waste of time, money and emotional effort.

Yes, I think hell just say everything's my fault and I don't think it is although I suppose I would say that.

Yes. We went to relate for a few months.

I had been through a nervous breakdown.. hr left me claiming not to love me

so we went and sorted our issues. I strongly recommend relate to anyone that has a marriage that can be saved.

Its when both stop caring what the other is doing that it cannot be saved.

No. Watching with interest though as I want to broach the subject myself. ..

If he's just going to sit there blaming you for everything then it'll be a waste of time. Funny how the person who's allegedly responsible for the problems is usually the one busting their arse to make it work.

It might also be worth posting in Relationships about this, lots of good advice there.

I had a good experience with Relate x

I get ignored in relationships so I'll stay here thanks

Left to my own devices I'd walk but I'm VERY worried about the children.

We had relationship counselling a few years ago before we were married and it helped us sort out communication issues and some expectations. It made a big difference.

My biggest concern for you is it sounds like you don't want your relationship to work. Can I ask what problems you have? And why you are so worried about your children if you do split up?

I provide relationship counselling. Both parties have to want to be there, whether the aim is to save the relationship or move towards an ending. No decent counsellor should allow an imbalance of power in the room or accept one party saying it's all the other person's fault. It has to be safe environment where both can express themselves freely, listen and be listened to.

My ex and I tried it. It just confirmed that we were going to be better off apart.

Mostly - I just don't have any faith left in us as a couple. I am not blameless but dh has become so controlling (he has always had tendencies this way) but over recent years they have exacerbated to the point where it's ridiculous.

With regard to the children I'm worried about the impact splitting would have on them but also on DHs treatment of them when I'm not there. One is just a baby. Also DH shows real impatience and gets cross quickly. He also blatantly favours one child over the other.

We did a course called the marriage course through a church. We are agnostic s, it is open to all and not very religious. Lots of talking and building communication together, no group work, all in couples. Both partner s would need to be keen and open to the course though.

We had to do the marriage course before we got married. We're doing it again as a preventative measure before dc2 arrives. It's a series of talks, one topic each week, with some exercises to do with your partner, but no public sharing goes on. It provides a very safe structured environment for raising issues.

However you mention that DH is controlling, so I'm not sure how much use counselling will be.

I understand that stayoing together for the sake of the children may seem like the be all and end all, but Im pretty sure that them witnessing arguments etc is more harmful than a clean quick divorce.

It sounds like you don't trust him at all.

What is the worst the counselling would do? It is hard work and maybe it would help you decide what you really want. That could include to end your marriage.

x post with bridesmaid

We don't argue, so I'm not concerned about that impacting on the children.

what is the worst counselling could do it's done a fair bit of damage in the past.

But, it is a pre-requisite to divorce if you have children?

Another one who had marriage counselling - we'd been through hell (long term TTC, DH had health problems and a major house fire). We didn't know how to talk without tearing strips off each other. We sat down and had a frank talk saying we couldn't bear to carry on as we were but we both wanted to save our marriage. Counselling helped us communicate without aggression and 2 years on things are much better.

If he's controlling I'd be skeptical about relationship counselling. I wonder whether counselling on your own might be more helpful to assert yourself and decided afar you really want?

I don't really want counselling, if I'm honest.

I just want to end my marriage - I just want to live my own life.

Then I think you've already made your decision! I would start planning to leave. Get things organised. See how you feel.

FWIW DH's parents split when he was in his teens. They had a tempestuous relationship to say the least. He and his siblings agree it was the best thing they ever did.

Ours isn't tempestuous - I don't know why everyone thinks parents who divorce must have been tearing shreds off one another beforehand. I don't want the children being upset.

You don't have to justify your decision to leave him, or attend counselling if that's what you want to do.

Counselling isn't recommended if there is abuse in the relationship.

I went to Relate with my first H - and like you, I pretty much knew it was over before we started, and that became apparent during the sessions. I think it really did help us to split up with a degree of fairness and dignity - we're still good friends now, many years later and both remarried. It's probably worth a shot.

I'm not suggesting yours is tempestuous (although if he's controlling and its not, are you submitting to keep the peace?). All I'm saying is they were both unhappy, the kids were unhappy and they were all better off when they split up.

I went to Relate with my exH. I suppose that he's ex tells you something. Our counsellor was crap. Really unbalanced in her handling of the situation, texting H about non-relate issues and saying completely ridiculous things. Made matters worse, tbh.