To feel worn down by my parents

[catgirl1976]

I love my parents very much. They are great with DS and look after him from Sunday night to Tuesday morning which is fantastic and they love him to bits.

However, they have always been terrible with money. DM has never really worked. DF earned six figures all through us growing up but they spent it all. No savings, never paid the mortgage or bills.

DF has been bankrupt a few times.

Last year, they had the house re-possessed. DSis has let them live in a property she owns and rents out. She makes no profit on this (which she did when she had tenants) she just charges them enough rent to cover the mortgage.

They are pensioners now, living on HB and pension tax credits.

They keep borrowing money off me.

I give them £100 a month towards their petrol and days out for DS when they have him.

A couple of months ago I had to pay their rent to my DSis as they couldn't - and again the next month. I wrote this off as they are struggling and I said they could keep it and didn't have to pay me back.

Last month DF asked for £60 so he could pay his gym membership ( I don't have a fucking gym membership ) I eventually got half of it back. They bought DS some new shoes and knocked that off the rest they owed me.

This morning I awoke to 9 missed calls off DM. I thought something terrible had happened.

i rang her and she was crying and whispering saying could I lend her some money. I said "OK. How much do you need?" (Thinking about £50 or something). She said "£300".

WFT? That' more disposable income that I have in a week. I lent her £200. She has promised I could have it back next week.

I asked her what had happened. I mean you just don't suddenly realise you need £300 to get through a week?? She said "I don't know, I don't understand". She was crying and whispering saying "I can't talk now" - so clearly DF doesn't know she's doing this. It sounded like they literally don't have a penny for food etc.

They won't talk properly about money or budgeting.

They don't drink or smoke or go on holidays. They shop at Aldi / Morrisons. They run an old, cheap car.

I just don't know where their money is going and they won't talk.

I know I should say "NO" (and DH is going to be furious - haven't told him as things have been a bit crappy between us this weekend" but when your mother is sobbing and saying "You are my only hope" it's hard.

I need that £200 back. I'm worried I won't get it, but I am more worried about their long term finances. They simply won't discuss things properly. Brick wall.

I know I have to say "no" next time but it is so bloody hard. I've got enough going on at the moment without this added stress.

I do love them and I want to help them, but they are putting added pressure on me and DH who are a bit shakey a the moment (mainly as DS isn't sleeping and I am exhausted)

What do I do?

Sorry this is so long

That's a lot of pressure on you. Have you talked with your sister about it?
My grandad turned out to be a massive gambler. Could it be that?

I can't talk to DSis this time. She is a lot firmer than me.

Her view last time was "Never again - we are enabling them". She is right and I know this but she is a lot stronger than me. She is also on the edge of evicting them as she doesn't think they will pay her rent on-going and she will be left in a mess with her mortgage. Again - she is probably right. She's also got a 5 week old baby and is a LP. She needs the support they are giving her with the baby and this would drive a wedge between them and I just can't cause that.

They definitely don't gamble. DSis looked at their finances a while ago and reckons they have about £220 a week to live on after the rent is paid. Surely this is enough to live on?????

Just tell a white lie if you can't face being blatant and say you have bills that have to be paid and you can no longer help them. Say your tax credits have been cut Self preservation rather than lies. You are not responsible for their gym/petrol etc Sadly these days those things are luxuries that many have to forfeit

Exactly, we don't have a gym membership as it's too bloody expensive.

I did say this time I have to have the money back as we have just moved to a more expensive property and now DH is at college DS' nursery fees have increased and things are tight. Hopefully this will make them realise I am not an ATM and have my own financial issues, but I doubt it. :(

As hard as it will be, you need to put your family (you, DH & Ds) first and say no next time they ask.
If you have the kind of relationship where you are able to speak openly, I would simply state "I don't understand where your money is going but I cannot afford to lend you anymore. Please don't ask me"
I would also be talking to your sister - does she know you paid the rent for them twice? Could you maybe tackle your parents together and explain how worried you are and agree that neither of you bail them out in future?

I think they just think as I earn good money I have it.

But my rent is £800 a month. Childcare is £500 a month. Council tax is £160 a month and I give them £100. So that's over £1,500 a month I have to clear before I start paying bills, putting fuel in our car or putting food on the table.

There really isn't enough left over to be forking out money to them all the time. But it breaks my heart seeing them like this.

DSis knows I bailed them out the last 2 times. That was around £700 that I just gave them. She is very assertive and may kick them out if I tell her they are in a mess again

Sorry, you replied while I was typing. Your sister is right i think, and as hard as it may be, I would follow her lead. Your DF is clearly used to enjoying his lifestyle then not dealing with the cost if he's been made bankrupt a few times so they will need to struggle before realising that they don't have a safety net anymore

Well the money is going somewhere. Can you talk to your mum privately (away from your dad) about what's going on?

You need to stop lending to them. You know this. Instead maybe pay them for the childcare weekly then when they ask for a loan (and they will) tell them they'd need to ask your dh. I used this approach with by db who is a drug addict and constantly skint and it stopped the constant phone calls and sob stories. Dh also found it easier to say "no" then I did when he did call.

That's it Handbag. They have lived their whole lives without being financially responsible or budgeting. It drives me mad.

I like the idea of saying I will have to ask DH. Or getting them to ask DH. He would say no a lot more easily than me and they would be a lot less comfortable asking him.

I don't want them to be in this mess but I can't get them out if they won't talk to me.

I;m starting to wonder if they have pay day loans or similar that are taking all their money or if they are just truly useless at budgeting and don't see they need to.

Why don't you say you cannot lend them anymore money unless you see directly where it is going. If she needs £300, ask her what for. If she says she can't tell you, say you can't give it then. If she says it is for the gas bill, ask to see the gas bill. Something isn't right, someone is gambling or buying things they can't afford on a shopping channel or something. They must be doing something with their money. I would not lend any more unless you see where it is going. Do you want to risk your own family well being and income because your dad buys expensive wine, for example?

I lived with them for a couple of weeks when we were moving and they don't buy anything, go out, drink, smoke, gamble.

It just doesn't make sense.

Talk to your DH - hopefully not to long in future but when you are both calm and tell him about the money.

Tell him that you felt under huge pressure to give your Mum the money and struggle to say no to the emotional blackmail. Ask for his help to do this.

Next time if you can'y say no - say to your parents you can't give them the money with out DH knowledge and support.

Don't let their money problems cause problems for your relationship.

You may have to be hard headed and work out of them giving you help with childcare is worth the financial cost of bailing them out every so often - are they paid for this childcare? - would that help them ? - or could you put some money aside a month that would go on childcare costs they save you and then only lend them this - so setting a limit?

If they won't talk money and budgeting with you - all you can do is manage the impact them asking you for bailouts has on your family and your finances.

The amount you give them to look after your dc half the week doesn't seem much. Why does your ds live with your parents half the week?

We are in the same position with our parents and have just come to the decision that we won't be bailing them out again.

My sister houses them, they live rent free, paying only their bills (very cheap) and have a minimum of £250 a week coming in. How the hell they get to a position where they need to borrow hundreds or thousands immediately...

Last request was for thousands... neither of us had it and there was an almighty row. My sister bore the brunt of it and was absolutely horrified at their expectations. I have waded in and told them to piss off. She has a kid at home to support and I have no intention of giving them another penny.

DH is being supportive, but finds it amusing as he has been trying to get us to see how manipulative our dad is for years. He isn't in 'Told You So' mode, but he is close.

catgirl you are going to have to let your sister be your guide. Stop giving away your life... that is what it amounts to: they have, you don't! You have less because you give them more - like that gym membership!

Good luck xx

It sounds like they may be in a payday loan trap to me. The debt collectors can be quite terrifying and the interest mounts up v quickly. That doesn't help you though.

Poor future planning and budget skills, one of them has some kind of mental illness like being a shopaholic that the other is hiding -previous debts, pay day loans, gambling or bit far fetched blackmail - could all be reasons for money issues.

You can keep trying to get to the bottom of it - and I would in your shoes- but they may be too embarrassed to talk to you about it.

Regardning the rent and your DSis, do the council still pay HB direct to landlords if requested?

The money is going somewhere.
You need to consider whether someone is fleecing them.
Consider loan sharks.
Your mum sounds terrified - there must be something sinister behind this.

I missed the 100 a month for childcare - perhaps it just isn't enough ?

Though with gym membership does kind of imply they haven't adjusted the lifestyle to fit the incoming money.

ihatefootball DS doesn't live with them half the week. They pick him up on a Sunday night, have him Monday day and drop him at nursery Tuesday morning. They want to have a day with him on Mondays and as they live 45 minutes away it makes sense for them and us for them to have him sleep over Sunday and Monday night.

They didn't want any money at all for looking after him. I have voluntarily given them the £100 to cover their petrol, softplay entry etc as they are struggling and it feels like the right thing to do

I'm not sure if HB still pay direct. I will tell DSis to look into that.

I am worried it's pay day loans or similar. But if they told me I could help them deal with them.

Nomama - sorry you went through this too. It sucks. But glad you managed to stand up and say no.

I think your dh is going to have every right to be cross with you when he finds out about this. It's family money you're giving away without consulting him (and it's irrelevant who actually earns it).

I second the idea of saying all requests need to go through DH. I do this regarding another issue with my parents (more time related than money but same principle). I say no but find it hard to stick to. DH backed me up on one occasion and that was that - they didn't push like they usually would. It made it so much easier, and he was only saying what I wanted to. Use whatever you need to to stay strong.

Also, how do they react when they realise that you lending them money leaves things right for you?

am afraid you need to woman up and say no and demand answers. treat them like children if they are going to act like it!

you are putting your own family at financial risk of yiu continue in this vein. I am sahm but if dp just gave £200 to his dad without consulting me I would do my nut. if he had done this then there would be a chorus of ltb on here.

you need to tell your dh and you need to all sit down with your parents and get to the bottom of this