To feel worn down by my parents

[catgirl1976]

I love my parents very much. They are great with DS and look after him from Sunday night to Tuesday morning which is fantastic and they love him to bits.

However, they have always been terrible with money. DM has never really worked. DF earned six figures all through us growing up but they spent it all. No savings, never paid the mortgage or bills.

DF has been bankrupt a few times.

Last year, they had the house re-possessed. DSis has let them live in a property she owns and rents out. She makes no profit on this (which she did when she had tenants) she just charges them enough rent to cover the mortgage.

They are pensioners now, living on HB and pension tax credits.

They keep borrowing money off me.

I give them £100 a month towards their petrol and days out for DS when they have him.

A couple of months ago I had to pay their rent to my DSis as they couldn't - and again the next month. I wrote this off as they are struggling and I said they could keep it and didn't have to pay me back.

Last month DF asked for £60 so he could pay his gym membership ( I don't have a fucking gym membership ) I eventually got half of it back. They bought DS some new shoes and knocked that off the rest they owed me.

This morning I awoke to 9 missed calls off DM. I thought something terrible had happened.

i rang her and she was crying and whispering saying could I lend her some money. I said "OK. How much do you need?" (Thinking about £50 or something). She said "£300".

WFT? That' more disposable income that I have in a week. I lent her £200. She has promised I could have it back next week.

I asked her what had happened. I mean you just don't suddenly realise you need £300 to get through a week?? She said "I don't know, I don't understand". She was crying and whispering saying "I can't talk now" - so clearly DF doesn't know she's doing this. It sounded like they literally don't have a penny for food etc.

They won't talk properly about money or budgeting.

They don't drink or smoke or go on holidays. They shop at Aldi / Morrisons. They run an old, cheap car.

I just don't know where their money is going and they won't talk.

I know I should say "NO" (and DH is going to be furious - haven't told him as things have been a bit crappy between us this weekend" but when your mother is sobbing and saying "You are my only hope" it's hard.

I need that £200 back. I'm worried I won't get it, but I am more worried about their long term finances. They simply won't discuss things properly. Brick wall.

I know I have to say "no" next time but it is so bloody hard. I've got enough going on at the moment without this added stress.

I do love them and I want to help them, but they are putting added pressure on me and DH who are a bit shakey a the moment (mainly as DS isn't sleeping and I am exhausted)

What do I do?

Sorry this is so long

There's got to be more to this than meets the eye OP. You can't just fritter away £200 a week on nothing. Id also guess at payday loans but, tbh, if it's been going on since your dad earned 6 figures then it's likely there's been some gambling or similar going on for a long time.

I'd say you will only lend them cash if they promise to show you exactly where the money is going. I bet they won't. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

A financial mess can always be sorted out somewhere but it needs the right approach and that includes the attitude towards money.

I understand about not wanted to know your parents are struggling or to hear your mother cry, but it doesn't sound like their problems with disposable income have started recently, not if your father was a high earner who's left a trail of problems over the years.

Your sister's right, by letting them off loans and by coming up with extra money for them, then you are both enabling them and your sister simply can't afford to lose the rental house because they don't pay their way.

I had a relative with recurrent money issues and in the end I refused to hand over money, but would say pay the electric bill direct.

If it were me, I would talk to whichever parent was most likely to listen and book an appointment for them with a debt counsellor. This obviously can't go on.

Maybe consider putting the 100 childcare into an account that you only use to give them money when they have a sudden need?

If they are bad at budgeting bet the 100 gets swallowed up and they may not even know where it goes. It would also mean any sudden emotional demands for money don't impact your everyday financials - as there was a pot for such events and a built in limit - you can't give more than is there.

It could be a way of managing their impact on your family.

Debt counsellor is a brilliant idea.

I don't know why I didn't think of that. I will make an appointment with one and tell DM she has to come and it's a condition of the loan.

They have got to get sorted. Handing over cash is short term for them and crappy for me

If your parents didn't have your DC, what would nursery cost you? Would it be more?

Could that be paid direct to your sister?

I think payday loans , or a friend of mine got into a real mess online gambling ( bingo sites ).

It would cost me an extra £40 a week. That's not a bad idea. I could pay DSis £160 directly towards their rent. That helps them and means DSis has at least some of her rent guaranteed. I think after that and the HB they would only be looking to find another £100 a month. The HB doesn't cover all of the rent as it's a 3 bed house with just 2 of them in.

(We have suggested they move somewhere cheaper, but finding somewhere that will take them with an active bankruptcy and a re-possession on file is not easy. DSis thinks kicking them out will actually help them as the council will house them as they will be homeless?)

Sorry - not an extra £40 a week. It would be £40 a week, so an extra £60 a month.

It sounds infuriating and very stressful, one problem being that they may be unlikely to change their ways at their age.
I think I would lie, make out I had less money than I do and gradually wean them off of my help.
Then again lying means a whole lot of hassle with covering your tracks and why should you have to do that!
I suppose just increasingly be firm and refuse to justify or explain

I was going to come on and suggest loan sharks - but I see somebody else has already said that... The Illegal Money Lending Team are really helpful:

Illegal Money Lending Team
[email protected]
Telephone: 0300 555 2222
24-hour service
Text LOAN SHARK and the lender’s details to 60003

You can ring them and talk through concerns.

Debt Counselling is a good idea if you can get your mum to go.

You could try to get them to use StepChange. It's all done online if they want anonymity and the charity sorts out a figure for them to pay direct every month and they distribute it to their debtors. Good luck.

I think there's definitely something dodgy going on for your mum to want to hide it from your dad.

You could be about to open a can of worms here.

It's possible that your sister is able to be the firm strong one because you are taking on the role of the person who gives in to them and picks up the pieces.

If your mum's hiding it from your dad I'd put money on it being something like online gambling / online bingo / scratchcards (you wouldn't have a clue she was doing it - my dh works as a Manager for a betting shop and it's amazing how devious people are, even when you wouldn't have a clue they even do it) or possibly just spending too much shopping over a period of time and then it building into a massive debt (I am guilty of this and currently trying to sort myself out).

I can see why you feel torn but I agree with the others that you are enabling them. As hard as it is next time you have to say no. Tell them (even if it's not true) that you have money problems of your own and have no spare money.

catgirl1976
It would cost me an extra £40 a week. That's not a bad idea. I could pay DSis £160 directly towards their rent. That helps them and means DSis has at least some of her rent guaranteed

I think this is a bad idea. All that would happen us they would increase their spending by £160 per month and be in the same position.

Your DF has earned six figure salaries - it's clearly not the amount of money which is an issue but how they prioritise their spending. You reducing the amount of rent they pay won't fix that.

YANBU by the way.

I agree giving them money doesn't address the problem of failure to cut cloth according to means.
Instead it means that their benefactors are just considered to be a resource, a part of the means upon which they rely.

Can you sit down with one of them and fill this in? It will clearly show what's coming in and where it's going and hopefully make them see the reality of what they are doing.

www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

that's brilliant link blanklook

Thank you - that's a great link

I would say, don't wait until the next crisis to make clear you won't lend any more. Tell them BOTH now, in writing if necessary, or in person (with your DH). That way,you are less likely to be swayed by emotion.

That is a horrible position you're being put in and I understand your instinct to help them, they're your parents.

I would tell your dp as soon as possible and then present a united front to your parents and tell them you cannot help them financially anymore.

DSis is right you are enabling your parents' behaviour. You need to talk to DH re the £300 - he has a right to know. Your parents would probably benefit from independent debt counselling such as the CAB or StepChange.

Instead of bailing them out why not come to an arrangement to pay them when the care for your DS but make it clear there is no more money available.

Probably way off the mark here, but are you sure they're getting housing benefit?
Could they be using their weekly income to pay their rent, leaving them short for other expenses?

I say this because housing benefit don't pay when you rent from a family member.

Maybe they don't want to tell you or your sister because they have nowhere else to live?

Just a thought.

I hate to say this but could one of them have a gambling habit?

Either on line or at the bookies?

I know this sounds vile, but you do need to consider it, especially as you say they don't drink or smoke - this couls (and only could) be where the money is vanishing.

It does sound like a payday lender or that they're maybe being scammed in some other way. Sending money to release funds to be sent back to them by a long lost 'friend' in Nigeria maybe? Or calling premium rate numbers in the mistaken belief that they've won something?

I really hope that's not the case, but it does all sound very odd.