Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not see the point (long)

56 replies

LEMmingaround · 06/09/2014 10:20

I don't see the point of me, i don't see the point of anything. Please don't feel you need to respond, or evenread this

I try so hard, i really do - but what i am is a lazy good for nothing drain on my family.

DD back at school - so i'll get a job (except that wont happen because i'm useless and it must show because i can't get anything, so is it even worth trying?)

I was hoping to start a small business but have come to realise that i just don't have what it takes - i have zero money, a bad credit rating, people have pointed out to me that wont use me because i can't drive so would not be trusted with their dogs (dog walking business) as i can't take them to the vets. So thats another fuck up, before i even start.

I live in a shit hole of a house, there is stuff everywhere, i was determined that i was going to declutter the place after the holidays but i spent the whole day yesterday trying to sort out the living room but i lose concentration, i just ended up wiht jobs half done, so half did the washing up, got distracted by the washing on the line, did that but then got distracted by dogs poo that needed cleaning, so cleaned poo, went into living room started picking up wrappers etc, so washing not folded, other washing left in garden, washing up going cold in the sink - couldn't even think about loading the dishwasher as it fries my nerves.

Then a knock at the door from a "heavy" from the mortgage company, we are one month in arrears, we pay extra every month to cover it, every month we pay the extra and the arrears are coming down - every time dp rings up to pay we are told different things, we need to set up an "arrangement" oh no, as its such a low amount just carry on as you are, we will send you letters but thats all. So then yesterday i open the door to a highly intimidating man asking for my DP and refusing to discuss it with me. Dp clearly wasn't going to be in at that time (he works - like most people with mortgages do during the day!) he was sneering and wouldn't let me past him to fetch my dogs who he had let out on the street because he left the gate open. I asked him to wait while i rang my dp but he wouldnt, he just laughed at me and said you;ll just have to wait for a letter now wont you. I lost it of course, had to get dp home from work, who phoned the mortgage company and was told it was because we wouldnt make an official arrangement to pay the arrears - err, that was because we were told not to bother. That is ALL they had to do, make the payments that we are making on top official - instead they send a thug roung my house to intimidate me. They say they will investigate our complaint but really? they will probably be having a laugh at the nutter who was begging to get her dogs in from the street. I know you will flame me for not having my dogs under control but i didn't have time to grab them as the man was trying to get in. they are only jack russels so slipped out and he had left the gate open.

So that was it, the rest of the day i was like a zombie out of my face on diazepam, i hadnt had to take it for a while so it always fucks me up when i take it.

What is even the point? every day i struggle, some days i kid myself that i'll turn a corner but that makes it hurt more to be honest, like i tantalize myself with a vision of how it could be, if only i could get a job or sort myself out. Now im back to square one - what is the point of sorting the house out, we wont be staying here. They willl take our house at the first opportunity and dd will be taken into care as we wont be able to find anywhere else to live.

My DD is dyslexic and we have booked her in for extra tuition after school but i have no idea where we are going to find the money for this. I just fooled myself that i would get a job by this time. She is already picking up my anxieties and has OCD traits. This is because of me. My oldest DD hardly ever calls and is jealous of her younger sister. There is a big age gap.

So not only do i not bring anything to this familyy - no money, no domestic use, i cause them problems - DP had to come home from work twice this week, once to sort out my mother who was kicking off with the council workers. Then to sort of the pig from the mortgage company - had i been more assertve i would have just told him to piss off and let dp sort it out later on. As it stands they have now an official arrangement in place that gives us a bit of flexibility on pay dates which is useful as dp is self employed and money is erratic. His business is really picking up which is good but this has knocked him back - he has hardly spoken to me and got out of bed at 7am today when we usually grab a bit of a lie in together.

The only reason i am alive is my DD who i adore but now she is back at school. .She doesn't need me really, i think i take from her life rather than add to it, but i don't want her to be THAT child, the one that mummy left her.

I know this is all self pitying shit but it just seems that no matter how hard i try, something happens to kick me back down. Where i belong.

Thankyou for even reading this, i don't expect any replies

OP posts:
LuisSuarezTeeth · 06/09/2014 10:27

LEM

What a huge pile of shit you're having to deal with! No wonder you feel low. When there's so much going on or going wrong, it's almost impossible to know where to start.

I say this having been in your shoes and also having helped a friend yesterday who could have written your OP.

Brew and Cake and bloody well done for writing it down.

Droflove · 06/09/2014 10:30

If there is one thing in all of that that actually matters it's your daughter. And you are her mum and she wants and needs you. The rest is simply not so important even though it is all weighing on you heavily. You don't realise it right now but the problem is your way of seeing everything right now. This is not your fault, you seem to suffer from depression from everything you have said. You need to see your GP and if they don't offer good help (maybe medication, definitely CBT) then use what little energy you have to try another GP until you find a good one. Regarding all the other things about the house and work etc. Give yourself a brain break from it for 6mts/1yr and cut yourself some slack. Just focus on your daughter. Spending time with her and chatting to her. That makes you the most valuable person in the house and I hope to God you can see that. Good luck OP, you are simply too hard on yourself about all this stuff.

AlpacaLypse · 06/09/2014 10:31

LEM Flowers

And I don't think your idea of dog walking is hopeless. A friend of mine in a village ten miles away does it without a car and manages just fine.

magimedi · 06/09/2014 10:34

You are indeed dealing with a great pile of shit & I hope that writing it all down helps you a little.

Since I've been on MN (nearly 2 years) I've read many of your posts in reply to others (as well as threads you have started) & you always come over as a really compassionate & reasonable person.

Your DD does need you, very much. You know that, really.

I know this is easier to write than do, but you really do need to disengage from your mother a bit more. I've read many of your posts about her & she sounds like a nightmare. You owe it to your DH & DD to do so, your (D)M does not help you at all.

I don't think you live anywhere near me (Sussex), but if you do I'd be more than happy to come & help you to do some decluttering - it can be much more fun with two!

Pyjamaramadrama · 06/09/2014 10:35

You're overwhelmed and swamped.

I know how you feel, when you've just got a whole heap of shit to deal with and don't know where to start.

There is a point, of course there's a point.

All of the problems that you're having are solvable. From an outsider reading this they're all fixable, it's just because you're in it, you can't see a way out.

It might sound lame but can you write a list of the things which you'd like to achieve and some timeframes? I find that tackling one thing at a time helps. I completely know what you mean about the house stuff, I seem to go from room to room picking things up then seeing other things which need doing, yet never quite getting anywhere.

So perhaps start with the house, one room at a time. Could you afford driving lessons? It might give you something to focus on and help towards looking for work later on.

And be kind to yourself.

fluffydressinggown · 06/09/2014 10:35

Oh Lem :( you are not a lazy good for nothing. You have a lot going on and it is not surprising it is bringing you down. You sound very depressed, can you go back to your GP to try and get more support? I don't know if you are on ADs or having some talking therapy but that could help with your mood and then you might feel that you can deal with the tough things in your life.

Job hunting is hard work, I can relate so much to that feeling of really struggling to get one. Your dog walking business sounds like a good idea, it wouldn't occur to me that you would need a car to do that job!

Take care xx

allypally999 · 06/09/2014 10:36

Nothing wrong with a big dose of self pity and sounds like you do have a few awful things going on.

I assume you have already seen your GP as you have Diazepam already? You just sound depressed by your circumstances IMO. Do you have a support system of people to talk to?

I suffer from depression too (with far less actual problems - I think mine is hormonal to be honest) so I understand exactly how you feel.

Don't do anything rash while you feel like this but do try and get out and do something even if its unpaid for a bit. Nothing makes you feel more worthwhile than a few hours working for a charity .. trust me!

Good luck and virtual ((((hugs))))

TheHobbit · 06/09/2014 10:47

Whereabouts are you? In which county?

Lariflete · 06/09/2014 10:53

LEM Flowers

You are not useless. You are a lady having a really horrible time.
The mortgage arrears are under control now and you have given yourselves a bit of breathing space with that.
You do bring something to your family - you have brought your daughter into it for a start. Your husband obviously loves you, even when things are hard, otherwise he would have told you to deal with all the things this week yourself.
As for the housework, the only thing that works for me (as I am easily distracted like you!) is forcing myself to do one thing at a time and making a list of the other jobs as I recognise them. So, I will start with tidying the toys in the lounge. But then I realise that woodwork needs polishing, floor needs hoovering. Instead of rushing off for the hoover and leaving the toys, I write it on my list and finish the toys. Then move onto the next thing on my list. That way, even if I do one thing a day, I know the jobs will get done and I have the added satisfaction of ticking items off a list Wink
For what its worth, I have been where you are and it feels like you can never escape. But you can. I am on long term anti-depressants, which isn't for everyone, but I would far rather take them than live my life in the black hole I was previously in.
Lastly (as this is turning into a mammoth post!), the dog walking sounds excellent! It would get you out of the house, walking and would raise your self-esteem. You don't need a car to do that - I'm positive not everyone who has a dog has a car!
Please keep talking, to us, to your DP and anyone else you can.
Flowers

LEMmingaround · 06/09/2014 10:54

Alpaca - Really??? I know i could be really good at this - i have an empathy with dogs that people comment on and have lots of doggie experience. I am not niave enough to know it wouldnt be without issue.

droflove - i have given myself break after break. I need to start making a difference my dp has carried me for 9 years.

The thing is, the debts are sorted - we had a blip with the mortgage because someone "knocked" DP for over a grand and it put us behind.

It just seems so relentless - I don't have a load of shit going on, i have a wonderful family, my DD told me im the best mum in the world the other day and that there is no one better than me (apart from daddy that is the same!) I should be full of joy, we own our own house - albeit by the skin of our teeth with a huge mortgage that we struggle to pay, its a shithole but if i got off my arse and sorted it out then it would be good.

I can't cope with anything - that is what ruins it, yes what happened yesterday was scary but any normal person would have sent that guy away with a flea in his ear but i was pathetic. I fall to peices at the least provocation - my DP used to call me his rotweiller because any problems he would set me to sort it out, now i think he is only with me because of DD.

I can't understand why i feel like this - i don't have lots of problems, ive had lotsof problems and coped, now i can't load the dishwasher.

My friend is in hospital with complications surrounding chemo - poor thing, and heres me whinging and whining, actually i think i need a slap more than anything else.

OP posts:
CatThiefKeith · 06/09/2014 11:00

Lem Flowers

I'm pretty sure not having a car isn't a problem for a dog walker - surely most people take their own pets to the vet?

I am sorry life is difficult at the moment. Please consider going back to your Gp.

fluffydressinggown · 06/09/2014 11:01

I think you are finding things so very hard because you are depressed, it can make you very hard on yourself.

Oh and IMO having a large mortgage is stressful, that sort of stress over a period of time can lead to depression.

LEMmingaround · 06/09/2014 11:09

I think i might go back to the gp, but not sure - more medication? Ive been on my meds for two years now - they don't seem to be working.I had a health scare earlier in the year and since then ive not been right. Ive had loads of counselling - none of it works!

The drugs don't work, they just make it worse................hmmm, could be a lyric in there?

There is a reason none of the above works

That is because there is only one person who can help me, and shes gone missing and i don't know how to find her. I mean me! I am the only one who can do this - can change things. God gave me the basic package, i am quite clever, i can make things work but i just don;t believe in myself. I over complicate everything. I find fractions and long division impossible, i over complicate them, yet i could do quadratic equations in my sleep (i can't do them now! heaven forbid),. Yet i feel so useless - how can i get a job if the slightest thing fucks me up. I did have a job, it lead to a breakdown - rationally i know it was due to lack of support and lack of training but the fact remains i told myself i was crap, and i believed it.

I get words wrong all the time - i'll ask my dp to go and put the lawn mower away and i'll either not be able to say what it is, or i'll say, can you go and put the dishwasher away Hmm I know this is because my brain is too busy trying to deal with anxious.

How can i make a change, i really don't want to be this person anymore

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 06/09/2014 11:11

Thanks fluffy - you must feel like slapping me, its ok, i don't mind.

I just don't understand it, i had a lovely lovely summer holiday with my DD, she is back at school now and happy, my dd i happy, i must be doing something right. I have the best dogs ever even though they actually drive me nuts. I should be enjoying my life. What is wrong with me???? I am actually scared im never going to be happy. Because i should be happy, i should. I have so much more than many people, im not so ignorant i can't see that.

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 06/09/2014 11:11

Have you tried cognitive behavioural therapy? Can be really good for anxiety.

Sounds like you must be doing a better job than you realise for dd to say that.

tigerlily1405 · 06/09/2014 11:11

I hope that just writing it all down has helped you feel a tiny bit better, nothing wrong with self pity. You have so much on your plate at the moment so please stop being so hard on yourself, and don't try and do everything in such unrealistic time frames! You have listed everything in your op as negatives but I can see so many positives.

You have sorted out the arrangement for your mortgage - great! So what if your DH had to come home to help you, its not just your problem so not up to you to solve it on your own.

You want to declutter your house but get distracted easily? You didn't get distracted by sitting and watching tv all day! Instead, some washing up is done, the dog poo is cleared up and you've hung the washing out and got it in again. All of these things needed doing too. And if you're house is cluttered - so what! Homes are for living in,and I'm pretty sure you're not the only one trying to banish clutter!

I have two dogs who always run out when people come to the door so certainly not going to judge you, and I doubt anyone else would either.

Please please slow down and don't try to do everything at once, spend quality time with your dd as housework is not urgent or important.

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2014 11:14

but any normal person would have sent that guy away with a flea in his ear but i was pathetic.

Not true. They are meant to be intimidating and that's the effect that most people would feel. I think you're DP should be having strong words with the mortgage company. If you've been paying then there's no need. And it shouldn't be left to you.

And the dog walkers around here aren't dog sitters unless a separate arrangement. They just walk the dogs.

ClashCityRocker · 06/09/2014 11:21

I dog-walked for a bit between jobs, and I can't drive.

I didn't make a fortune, but it did give me a sense of purpose and a feeling that I was doing 'something'.

One of my best household purchases is a little whiteboard. I am an absolute slattern when left to my own devices - I only notice mess when it gets too much. I started writing on it three things I wanted to achieve today - sometimes bigger things like sorting the understairs cupboard, sometimes small things like getting the laundry done, spending half an hour dusting or throw away/charity shop thirty items.

It needs to be realistic - to YOUR standards, not some housekeeping-guru-domestic-goddess and achievable. I'm up to six items a day now and feel a real sense of achievement, rather than the vague I-really-need-to-do-something-about-this-house-I'm-a-crap-wife feeling I used to get.

And, most importantly, the house is looking better than it has done since we moved in!

I hope you're feeling better soon. In the mean time, go easy in yourself - I suspect a lot of people can relate to your (very eloquent) post - I know I can.

ClashCityRocker · 06/09/2014 11:23

And I would've hid behind the sofa if a heavy turned up at my door.

Calling your husband was exactly the right thing - the mortgage bloke wanted to speak to him, not you. There was nothing you could've done to make the situation better.

furcoatbigknickers · 06/09/2014 11:24

Oh LEM, first thing I thought was not LEM, she always seems so together.

A visit to the gp to review meds.

You don't need a car to be a dog walker, that a great plan

You dd needs you more than anyone else in the world

LEMmingaround · 06/09/2014 11:35

Thank you so much, this is what i needed. Its ok to feel crap sometimes isn't it?

I AM going to do the dog walking thing! I don't want to be rich, just help a bit towards the bills.

OP posts:
furcoatbigknickers · 06/09/2014 11:41

Of course it is. From what you've said, you may benefit from different meds or counselling though.

Go for it with the dog walking, it sounds like it would really suit you.Flowers how are you going to get started? Can you design and print some flyers?

furcoatbigknickers · 06/09/2014 11:42

Btw ignore negative comments like the one about needing a car.

GoringBit · 06/09/2014 11:44

OP sorry to hear that you're so unhappy at the moment, I hope that the comments here are helping.

You seem overwhelmed with household stuff: are you trying to do too much at once? Could you focus on one job, say the washing up, get that done, then perhaps take a rest, or, if you feel able to, move onto something else. Maybe have some music on while you work.

If that feels too difficult, do you have a friend that could visit and give you a hand and a kick start? I remember a thread here some time ago from someone in a similar situation to you in terms of struggling with housework. A couple of MNers went and helped her get on top of things, and it seemed to be genuinely life-changing. Could you benefit from similar help?

CatThiefKeith · 06/09/2014 11:49

I would help if you are local LEM. Which county are you in?