I don't see the point of me, i don't see the point of anything. Please don't feel you need to respond, or evenread this
I try so hard, i really do - but what i am is a lazy good for nothing drain on my family.
DD back at school - so i'll get a job (except that wont happen because i'm useless and it must show because i can't get anything, so is it even worth trying?)
I was hoping to start a small business but have come to realise that i just don't have what it takes - i have zero money, a bad credit rating, people have pointed out to me that wont use me because i can't drive so would not be trusted with their dogs (dog walking business) as i can't take them to the vets. So thats another fuck up, before i even start.
I live in a shit hole of a house, there is stuff everywhere, i was determined that i was going to declutter the place after the holidays but i spent the whole day yesterday trying to sort out the living room but i lose concentration, i just ended up wiht jobs half done, so half did the washing up, got distracted by the washing on the line, did that but then got distracted by dogs poo that needed cleaning, so cleaned poo, went into living room started picking up wrappers etc, so washing not folded, other washing left in garden, washing up going cold in the sink - couldn't even think about loading the dishwasher as it fries my nerves.
Then a knock at the door from a "heavy" from the mortgage company, we are one month in arrears, we pay extra every month to cover it, every month we pay the extra and the arrears are coming down - every time dp rings up to pay we are told different things, we need to set up an "arrangement" oh no, as its such a low amount just carry on as you are, we will send you letters but thats all. So then yesterday i open the door to a highly intimidating man asking for my DP and refusing to discuss it with me. Dp clearly wasn't going to be in at that time (he works - like most people with mortgages do during the day!) he was sneering and wouldn't let me past him to fetch my dogs who he had let out on the street because he left the gate open. I asked him to wait while i rang my dp but he wouldnt, he just laughed at me and said you;ll just have to wait for a letter now wont you. I lost it of course, had to get dp home from work, who phoned the mortgage company and was told it was because we wouldnt make an official arrangement to pay the arrears - err, that was because we were told not to bother. That is ALL they had to do, make the payments that we are making on top official - instead they send a thug roung my house to intimidate me. They say they will investigate our complaint but really? they will probably be having a laugh at the nutter who was begging to get her dogs in from the street. I know you will flame me for not having my dogs under control but i didn't have time to grab them as the man was trying to get in. they are only jack russels so slipped out and he had left the gate open.
So that was it, the rest of the day i was like a zombie out of my face on diazepam, i hadnt had to take it for a while so it always fucks me up when i take it.
What is even the point? every day i struggle, some days i kid myself that i'll turn a corner but that makes it hurt more to be honest, like i tantalize myself with a vision of how it could be, if only i could get a job or sort myself out. Now im back to square one - what is the point of sorting the house out, we wont be staying here. They willl take our house at the first opportunity and dd will be taken into care as we wont be able to find anywhere else to live.
My DD is dyslexic and we have booked her in for extra tuition after school but i have no idea where we are going to find the money for this. I just fooled myself that i would get a job by this time. She is already picking up my anxieties and has OCD traits. This is because of me. My oldest DD hardly ever calls and is jealous of her younger sister. There is a big age gap.
So not only do i not bring anything to this familyy - no money, no domestic use, i cause them problems - DP had to come home from work twice this week, once to sort out my mother who was kicking off with the council workers. Then to sort of the pig from the mortgage company - had i been more assertve i would have just told him to piss off and let dp sort it out later on. As it stands they have now an official arrangement in place that gives us a bit of flexibility on pay dates which is useful as dp is self employed and money is erratic. His business is really picking up which is good but this has knocked him back - he has hardly spoken to me and got out of bed at 7am today when we usually grab a bit of a lie in together.
The only reason i am alive is my DD who i adore but now she is back at school. .She doesn't need me really, i think i take from her life rather than add to it, but i don't want her to be THAT child, the one that mummy left her.
I know this is all self pitying shit but it just seems that no matter how hard i try, something happens to kick me back down. Where i belong.
Thankyou for even reading this, i don't expect any replies