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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people take marriage lightly nowadays?

125 replies

amotherfuckingquiche · 05/09/2014 23:23

When I was young(er), if you got married, you stayed married (pretty much). I see so many divorces now and people seem to treat marriage so lightly, "let's give it a go, if it doesn't work out then we can always get divorced...". I'm not suggesting that you stay with someone who cheats one you constantly or abuses you, please don't mistake me. I just think that it's sad.

OP posts:
femin · 06/09/2014 07:59

No I disagree. I think too many people stay too long in very poor relationships. I am in a happy very long term relationship, so I know what a god relationship looks like, and it saddens me to see people staying in very unhappy ones.

Chunderella · 06/09/2014 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PossumPoo · 06/09/2014 08:05

I do agree OP. Most of my friends who got married mid 20s are now divorced so maybe they were too young? I'm not against divorce btw.

WaitingForMe · 06/09/2014 08:08

Being pro-marriage is a bit like being pro-life IMO. Both marriage and babies are great and I hope all of my kids experience them.

But choice has to take priority. In order to fully love our spouses and offspring we need to be able to love without coercion. We need the right to determine what happens to our own bodies and the direction our lives take.

thecatfromjapan · 06/09/2014 08:11

I think this is a Tudor AIBU. So:

Yes, OP, Henry seems to think he can just marry, divorce and behead as he likes. Oh, but he is a divinely appointed tyrant, so I suppose he can.

femin · 06/09/2014 08:15

Life is fairly short. If you want to stay in an unhappy relationship because of some ideal, go ahead. But frankly I think you would be wasting your life.

I think telling people to work at their relationship is the biggest pile of shit actually. Sure you need to talk and sort out issues that come up along he way, but too many people struggle on trying to work out something that will never get any better.

tobysmum77 · 06/09/2014 08:15

yabu unless you are over 100. There were just as many divorces in my parents generation and I am not far off 40.

Make your bed and lie in it. Yeah right Biscuit

diddl · 06/09/2014 08:32

i agree that people shouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship.

But because divorce is easy/acceptable, I wonder if people put in less effort now & walk away at the slightest problem?

Original poster
amotherfuckingquiche · 06/09/2014 08:37

Diddl has summarised what I wanted to say post.

OP posts:
JapaneseMargaret · 06/09/2014 08:38

I don't think people do walk away at the slightest problem.

I think a lot of women people put up with way more than they should. A glimpse of the relationships board shows that. People seem to be very unwilling just to walk away, generally.

EdithWeston · 06/09/2014 08:39

"But one never used to hear the talk of "starter marriages" that you hear now. The fact the expression now exists must mean something!"

I think it means there's a new phrase. Nancy Mitford's 'Don't tell Alfred' (set in 40s/50s describes it, but doesn't use that term.

WaitingForMe · 06/09/2014 08:41

I know plenty of divorced people and don't know a single one that didn't stick it out longer than was probably sensible. All clung to the idea of making it work before admitting it was over.

Who are these people that walk away lightly?

AnyFucker · 06/09/2014 13:49

Perhaps means them slebs

AnyFucker · 06/09/2014 13:50

*OP

Tittifilarious · 06/09/2014 13:56

OP I have never, ever heard anyone say "let's give it a go and we can always get a divorce".

My parents married in the early 70s because my mum was pregnant. My nan has dementia and has recently revealed a lot of secrets from her friends and relatives in the 1930s-50s. Illegal abortions, paternity doubts and extra marital affairs have featured heavily!

These days, I think people who get married are doing it because they want to rather than gave to. That counts for something then? Also who would blame someone for prioritising spending on a house rather than a nice frock & a party? Not me.

morethanpotatoprints · 06/09/2014 14:36

diddl and OP

I totally agree, there have been times during our long marriage when we could have walked away from each other, but as we loved each other decided to stay together.
The starter marriage term is a joke to those who take their vows and believe them.
I'm not for staying in an unhappy marriage or abusive etc, but also think that some people throw in the towel without trying.

cailindana · 06/09/2014 14:49

I don't understand this idea that people "give up too easily." It implies that with a certain amount of effort you can make yourself want to stay with someone you don't want to be with, or make the other person stay with you when they don't want to.

If both partners want to stay in the relationship then they will stay in the relationship. If one partner does not want to stay then either the relationship ends or it limps along pointlessly until one partner dies or the whole thing explodes in pain and acrimony.

Whichever way it goes, relationships that work, work and relationships that don't, don't.

Implying that people who get divorced "give up too easily" is just nasty judgemental smug and nonsensical bullshit.

AlleyCat11 · 06/09/2014 15:07

It's all the baggage that goes with divorce. Ex husbands & wives, new partners, step kids, half brothers & sisters... Divorce is relatively recent in Ireland & the culture is very much to get married & stay married. When I lived in London, most of my English friends came from broken families. And were surprised that my parents were married to each other. So, I think divorce is a cultural norm in the UK. Maybe children of divorce factor it in when getting married?

cailindana · 06/09/2014 15:10

Alley I agree that the culture in Ireland is to get married and stay married. But is that necessarily a good thing? My parents have a miserable marriage, as did my grandparents, as does my friend, as do my aunt and uncle. All of them would be/would have been better off divorced I think but they just hung on in there, being miserable. What a bloody waste.

Sicaq · 06/09/2014 15:40

Wasn't marriage historically a financial arrangement between families, bugger all to do with the couple's feelings and God?

Personally marriage has no significance for me. Do it or don't do it; it is no indicator of the quality of your relationship.

cailindana · 06/09/2014 15:43

Yes, Sicaq, originally marriage was an arrangement where a father passed his daughter onto another man for his use. The woman then lost all rights to live as an independent person as well any right to control her own body.

It was great.

I think we should go back to those wonderful times.

morethanpotatoprints · 06/09/2014 15:44

cailin

The OP wasn't saying that all people who get divorced give up easily.
However, I have met several x couples who have both stated they wished they had worked at it a bit more, perhaps then they wouldn't have got divorced.
They are happily married to other people now, and who knows whether they would have stayed together with more effort.
Anyway, they aren't bothered now as obviously happy with new partners.
But it is what I've heard some people say.

cailindana · 06/09/2014 15:46

But if both partners are willing to make the effort then the effort is made, surely? What I mean is, it's all well and good to look back and say "I wish I'd made the effort," but effort counts for nothing if the will and the drive to do it aren't there.

Terrierterror · 06/09/2014 15:48

'God had fuck all to do with my marriage - I was married by Elvis'

I think I love you Gordys Grin

holdyourown · 06/09/2014 15:52
Hmm quite a judgemental thread for those whose partners have left, for example I don't know anyone who's taken it lightly Confused if so, they would/could have lived together rather than married broken families is also quite a controversial term imo families come in all different packages, including some quite messed up ones where people are still married but deeply unhappy which a lot of people would not consider to be 'better' superior. So YABVU and judgy.