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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To actually be quite insulted?

56 replies

MuddlingAlongMum · 05/09/2014 10:00

First time poster so please be gentle!

My DD has just started Yr2 and there is another little girl who lives on our street who goes to her school too so we often see her walking with her grandmother on the way home. They are both lovely and very friendly, albeit a bit stilted as the Grandmother has no English. The other little girl started school part way through last year so is quite new.
DD and I have tried to be friendly to the little girl, her Grandmother, and her mother, when we've seen her.
The walk home involves walking along a busy-ish sort of road but is perfectly fine as has a pavement. DD often walks ahead of me as I have the pushchair and the pavement is a bit narrow to allow people to come the other way if she is walking beside me. The Grandmother has shown concern at my DD not walking with me and is clearly concerned about the road. I think this is over-concern myself but wouldn't be as rude as to say so.

The little girl's mother grabbed DH before he left at school drop off this morning and asked him about us picking her DD up from school from now on. He said she needed to speak with me as I do the pick ups. (Thanks DH!) It seems from the conversation that she wants me to pick up her DD for her as she cannot get her hours changed at work (why the grandmother can't carry on as she has been, isn't clear). The thing is, the mother only wants me to pick up her DD in the car as she says the road is too dangerous.

There's two things bothering me here. Firstly, they know we generally walk as that's how we always tend to see them and secondly, it implies to me that she doesn't trust me to walk her DD back safely!

Apart from this, I have three children so If I were to take my car to school on the days my toddler isn't at nursery then I couldn't get an extra one in anyway.

AIBU to be a bit insulted or am I being too touchy?

OP posts:
GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 05/09/2014 10:03

YANBU and I would tell her no. You are happy to walk her home or not at all.

NigelMolesworth · 05/09/2014 10:03

I'd just say 'no I'm sorry that won't work for me' and repeat ad nauseam.

treadheavily · 05/09/2014 10:05

It's clearly a no. They don't get to dictate how your children travel!

Hurr1cane · 05/09/2014 10:08

What if your child is poorly and isn't going to school? Or you have an appointment? Or one of your other children do and you have to rush straight off?

I've done short term lifts to school for other children when their parents cars are broken (special school miles away so they can't walk it or bus it with the disabilities) but the parents know that I'm not always going to be reliable because if DS has a problem I won't be going to school.

rainbowinmyroom · 05/09/2014 10:08

Just tell her No. I don't use the car for runs and am not available for childcare. You need to make other arrangements.

Only1scoop · 05/09/2014 10:11

No it's a big ask and very rude of her.

rainbowinmyroom · 05/09/2014 10:16

She is being cheeky and rude, FWIW, to try to dictate that you pick her up and how you do it.

That's why I'd tell her you are not available for childcare.

Because that is what she is demanding. People get paid for that.

redskybynight · 05/09/2014 10:16

I'd find it odd that someone wouldn't trust you to walk their child on a pavement on a road but WOULD trust you to take their child in a car when she can have no idea about your driving! And if grandmother normally picks up, how would the mum know about your walking along the road capabilities anyway - unless grandmother has painted you as a reckless parent letting your child play with the traffic - which hardly recommends you as a suitable person to drive her either ...

Sounds to me that the mum has a concern (warranted or otherwise) about the road - maybe that's why grandmother can't do it any more? Did mum ask grandmother to drive and GM said "no"

That all said, if it's not convenient, which it isn't ... then say "no".

SaucyJack · 05/09/2014 10:17

YABU. I don't see why this is a problem for you. I also think it would only be fair if you give her toilets a quick clean for her when you drop her daughter off to save the poor woman from having to do that herself either.

MrsPiggie · 05/09/2014 10:17

There's no need to feel insulted, they are simply being over-protective, and may feel that having an extra child to walk from school would make it less safe. But you shouldn't have to change your routine to accommodate them - you are doing them a favour, not the other way around.

Only1scoop · 05/09/2014 10:19

Saucy Grin

Only1scoop · 05/09/2014 10:20

Yes Op ....can't you do pick up also and provide snacks and supper. After all you are doing in anyway....

WooWooOwl · 05/09/2014 10:22

I think that's quite insulting. They're saying you're good enough to do them a favour because it would be convenient for them, but you're not good enough to use your own judgement in safely getting your own children to school.

Rude.

Original poster
MuddlingAlongMum · 05/09/2014 10:27

I do occasionally use my car for the school pick up if we have to go straight out from school or if the weather is torrential, but mostly I walk because I prefer my DD to get the exercise. It is approx 10-15 mins to walk and about the same in the car as the road goes a longer way around, if that makes sense!

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 05/09/2014 10:29

Just tell them no,your under no obligation.I would nip it in the bud now because it will only get worse.I can just imagine the demands further down the line.

Janethegirl · 05/09/2014 10:31

The word to use is NO. YANBU.

rainbowinmyroom · 05/09/2014 10:33

You just tell her NO. I am not available for childcare. You need to make other arrangements.

This isn't your problem so don't make it one.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 05/09/2014 10:57

YANBU, Walking is better all around: gives everyone exercise, doesn't piss off residents by parking, reduces carbon footprint and in your case it sounds more stress-free then forcing everyone in a car for a tiny journey.

And YANBU, she sounds rude to dictate.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 05/09/2014 11:01

Just say "no I won't be able to do that", no explantion, end of.

randycheeseburger · 05/09/2014 12:47

well you just say no, sorry. Nothing more to be said, I can't believe how cheeky some are trying to get people to take care of their child care needs! I look after my own and have nobody else to thank, I don't even ask my mil anymore so it can't get thrown back in my face.

cleanasawhistle · 05/09/2014 13:00

Just say no.
Its not your problem and will end up more trouble than it is worth.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 05/09/2014 13:05

These arrangements can cause a lot of trouble if they aren't with friends you know well enough to be straight with.

Reasons to do it:
it's a kindness;
the children might make friends.

Reasons not to do it:
you don't really know these people at all;
the woman asked your husband, not you as the person who would actually be doing the favour;
they already don't like how you do it;
they want to dictate how you do it;
what they want isn't practical or preferable for you and your children;
it's a terrible bind.

Up to you, but I know what I'd say!

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/09/2014 13:57

I think YABU to be insulted. Different parents have different fears. Some are reasonable, some aren't, some are a mixture, some are very emotional fears due to events close to them. You just don't know why she has a different attitude to road safety than you. So long as she isn't reporting you to SS for not having exactly the same approach to risks as her you just need to accept she is different.

YANBU to think she is being incredibly cheeky asking you to do her a favour and telling you to change your approach to meet her standards. And telling her that, as kindly as you can, would probably be to her benefit.

redexpat · 05/09/2014 14:21

I wouldnt be insulted. Peeved yes, but not insulted.

I think it's a bit off to ask for someone to do something for you then dictate how they do it for you. If you want to dictate terms, then hire someone.

Vitalstatistix · 05/09/2014 14:33

God no. I wouldn't. Grabbing someone and asking what is itself a big favour of someone you barely know while at the same time trying to give conditions and dictate the terms of the massive favour they are asking simply SCREAMS gigantic pain in the arse.

If you do this, it will bite you in the backside and you will regret it. And it is always harder to stop doing something than to never start in the first place.

I really would suggest that you say Sorry, no, that isn't going to be possible, I have no intention of starting to drive to the school and I cannot commit to an arrangement like this. I'm afraid you will have to find an alternative.

If you choose to do it, don't say we didn't warn you Grin

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