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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a lot of new dp's are delusional about what a bitch the ex is?

36 replies

JaffacakesAreBiscuits · 04/09/2014 14:01

I've read multiple threads on here over the years about ex wives/partners and how obstructive they are/how they make things difficult for new relationships/how they threaten no contact on a wim etc etc. Most of this is relayed second hand through the dp so I'm not talking about people who have first-hand experience/encounters. I've always been a bit Hmm about this because if the relationship is over why would you want to be that obstructive? but given the benefit of the doubt.

So imagine my surprise when I recognised my ex's partner on a parenting forum (not this one), talking about how obstructive his ex is, how I constantly want more money from him and am planning to take the children away to live with my new partner. Judging by her description I am clearly the bitch from hell and he is the angel Gabriel. It's all lies btw but because me and new dp have no contact she only has his word to go on which she obviously believes without question.

He was an emotionally abusive arse who gaslighted, played emotional mind games and destroyed my confidence entirely, and interestingly he has just started to do the same to her except she hasn't recognised the signs yet.

When I read "ex bitch from hell," threads now I can't help wondering how much of the truth new partners really know. And by new I mean sometimes partners of several years but who have no relationship with the ex

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 04/09/2014 14:03

If he was a gaslighting, EA cock to you it's hardly surprising that he's manipulating her either is it?

LuvDaMorso · 04/09/2014 14:06

Have you contacted her?

Do you have evidence of his lies to her?

It would be kind to perhaps speed up the poor woman's realisation of what a dick he is.

How sad.

AlleyCat11 · 04/09/2014 14:08

I think you can tell a lot about a man by what he says about his ex. Listen carefully, that's my advice.

Original poster
JaffacakesAreBiscuits · 04/09/2014 14:11

oh yes I have evidence - all written out in full under a profile with pictures of her children on it. Hmm

I don't much care if he wants to slag me off to her really, but she's clearly completely delusional and believes his every word which is a bit sad really. And he's already started the process of isolating her but I can't go into how without outing me and her.

And how many people would contact a new partner to warn them about their dp?

OP posts:
BruthasTortoise · 04/09/2014 14:16

My DH days very little about his relationship with his ex - he has no interest in talking about it and I would have little interest in knowing. I have, however, been party to the huge amount of social services involvement regarding the ex and my DSC since they split so I'm reasonably well aware of the type of person she is. I think on MN it's widely accepted that ex- DHs and male DPs can be complete cunts (as documented in the many threads about ex's and their behaviours) but the default for ex-wives is that they're angels. If we doubt the veracity of posters writing about ex-female partners, even though most posts concentrate on current behaviours and not behaviours during the relationship, should we not do the same about ex-male partners?

UsedtobeFeckless · 04/09/2014 14:18

Friend of mine was warned off her husband by the husband's ex ... She put it down to spite and ignored what she ( the ex ) said, because you would, wouldn't you? Turned out it was all true and then some!

wafflyversatile · 04/09/2014 14:18

Well, she's only making the same mistakes you made.

Some men are abusive. They often continue to be abusive after a split, use the children/access as weapons and slag off their ex to their new partner.

Some women are abusive. They often continue to be abusive after a split, use the children/access as weapons and slag off their ex to their new partner.

F0ssil · 04/09/2014 14:18

Totally! I'm good-humoured, easy-going, not greedy, sensitive, emotional, lazy, impetuous, chaotic or hysterical..... but my x firmly believes that I am and has told his new gf so.

wafflyversatile · 04/09/2014 14:22

YY Bruthas.

All these abusive mums, MILs, sisters and SILs are often also wives.

The world is not lacking abusive women.

fromparistoberlin73 · 04/09/2014 14:24

you are WAY too interested and its not healthy

let him go fuck her life up, tis not your problem. Thought its not very nice.

but energy is being consumed reading this (and I dont blame you! it must be irresistable) but really- focus on good and happy shit and let them implode when they eventually do

IMO 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce. Unless 1/3 people are complete cunts- I take anything post split with a HUGE linch of salt

googoodolly · 04/09/2014 14:27

DP's ex is the ex from hell - seen the texts, seen the police reports - I know he's not lying when he tells me what she's like.

However, I've never slagged her off publicly and I'm always decent to her face when we see each other and so is he. He's never bad mouthed her to the DC or to me, it's just been factual "ex has done this". No slagging or name-calling which I think is important.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/09/2014 14:27

I'm certain I've been painted as money-grabbing, contact-denying, lying, delusional evil ex-wife.

In all honesty I feel for her. If I ever had the opportunity to speak to her alone (and I never will), I would simply say, "I hope it never happens and that he's changed, but if it ever does, I will believe you."

But then again I don't want to get involved. So best I say nothing and hope for her sake that he's a changed man. All I know so far is that the dcs are better cared for when she is present during contact.

Hindsight is always 20/20 so I can't blame her if she believes him; afterall, I did.

Hissy · 04/09/2014 14:27

If I were you I'd kindly and gently PM her and say that while you understand how she thinks what she thinks that she is sadly mistaken and as you indeed fell foul, so it would appear that she is too.

Tell her that you don't hold her any ill intent, and really hope that she is happy in whatever she does, but just gently say that she is with someone who WAS seriously abusive to you and will be to her (and her DC) too.

Did you report him at any time? if so, suggest she contact her police for a DV check.

F0ssil · 04/09/2014 14:34

I don't know HIssy. My x's gf (two before the one he has now) pmd me on fb a few years ago to askif I got pregnant on purpose and there was another question as well. I did think about replying but in the end I thought, who cares what she thinks of me. I have a lovely bf now. she's stuck with my x.

micah · 04/09/2014 14:39

I don't think the ex is a bitch :)

I just think we have very different ideas of what good parenting is, and she's unable to see it like that.

I bitch about her actions, more of a vent really, because I don't think she sees the full picture and how it impacts on DH, his parents, her kids, and me. It's a very common attitude these days, not just among ex's, but the general I'm alright jack mentality. If she'd seen it, and had been willing to compromise and give and take, she'd have actually got more out of us. She may have got a little less maintenance, but a lot more babysitting for example..(not DH shirking- but I had to go back to work to pay her what she "needed"- if she'd had accepted a little less, I'd have been a SAHM and could have looked after SD in holidays, inset days etc)

I see it the other way round too, the ex's think the new DP is a bitch :)

She likely bitches about me too. I really don't care :)

EarthWindFire · 04/09/2014 14:41

I think on MN it's widely accepted that ex- DHs and male DPs can be complete cunts (as documented in the many threads about ex's and their behaviours) but the default for ex-wives is that they're angels. If we doubt the veracity of posters writing about ex-female partners, even though most posts concentrate on current behaviours and not behaviours during the relationship, should we not do the same about ex-male partners?

I completely agree with this.

kiki0202 · 04/09/2014 14:43

I think it's really common everyone has their own side of the story and own opinions it's hard to sort out children finances etc and most people end up with some bad feeling. Some of these people are generally nice people others are abusive or selfish unless you have seen every argument from both sides you can never really tell.

Atm a friend of mine has just split with her partner who has other DC with someone else the partner wants their son on a Thursday but can't pick him up until 7.30(til 10) because of a standing arrangement with ex wife to take eldest son to a club at 7 he has changed other things around to suit my friend but this can't be changed though he doesn't want to miss seeing either son, my friend has said no as it's to late he needs to pick baby up at 6 on the way home from work and bring him back for 8.30 as she works the next day and baby needs to be in bed for 9 at the latest. Both think they are right and calling each other all the names under the sun. The fact is both of them have valid reasons for their timings but depending who you speak to the other is being unreasonable. It's the same story with a lot of people I know they are not bad people it's just hard to agree.

RobbStarksBitch · 04/09/2014 15:27

I have no doubt that my ex paints me as the evil bitch from hell while he can do no wrong. It's quite the opposite actually and whilst I am now engaged and have baby Ds2 (as well as ds1 from previous relationship with nasty ex) with my dp he is on his 3rd or 4th relationship and they all think that I am some insane woman who took his child away. They will really never know him at all.

Standinginline · 04/09/2014 15:41

My opinion of partners ex has built up by her actions ,partners always been indifferent to her ,never slagged her off etc... We do get along now ,but begrudgingly for both of us ,as I've had 2 kids with the father to her children. Her constant rants on forums about me ,her slating me on facebook 5 minutes after sending me the nicest message you can think of (brother had her as a friend on there so told me straight away ) and just in general being a dick.
However ,I've definitely been no angel so she's built an opinion from that. As the years have gone on she's grown on me ,and vice versa ,and can have a civilised conversation with no gripes or petty digs.
I do think it's generally an ex thing so their flaws are always emphasised.

ilovechristmas1 · 04/09/2014 16:12

i never understand why an ex would contact ex partners new partner

it just makes them look spiteful and jealous with an axe to grind

let the new partner find out themselves,they wont believe you anyway

yes it is unfair when the ex is lying,what can you do,not very much, time will bring out their true colours

also there is two sides and no i dont always believe what one party says whether on MN or real life

i dont much care what strangers think,all i know is my good friends know me well and it's their opinions that count to me and know the real events

MammaTJ · 04/09/2014 17:27

I never believed what was said to me by the 1st wife. He couldn't possibly have been that bad, he would not have cheated, it must have been her, he would not have been the one that squandered away the money, it must have been her.

UNTIL, I was suddenly the ex, the one who had been cheated on and he was blaming me for all our money problems.

It is just not worth telling her, she will not listen, the same as I didn't listen, the same as ExH P (AKA the OW) would not listen. ExH P does have one advantage over me in that she does know he is a cheat, after all we were married when they got together. BUT he even lied about that and told her the marriage was over (and I probably didn't understand him).

Just rise above it and remember you are well out of it and she is up to her neck in it right now.

ChildrenOfTheDamned · 04/09/2014 17:42

In the case of DH's ex-gf, when I met him he was very upfront about having a daughter. He was also very upfront about what an abusive cow his ex was. TBH I was a bit sceptical about what he was saying even though I was very young (16). I was a feminist through and through and would always take the woman's side by default until I knew otherwise.

Although everything he said about her was true. She was abusive to him when they were together, and still abusive to him after they split. She became abusive to me and was abusive and neglectful to DSD. We had many years of abuse from her, which continued when DSD eventually came to live with us.

Now, she's a tame as a kitten. But that's because 20 years later she has no power now that DSD is all grown up and has virtually no contact with her.

needaholidaynow · 04/09/2014 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadySybilLikesCake · 04/09/2014 17:56

"I'm certain I've been painted as money-grabbing, contact-denying, lying, delusional evil ex-wife." Me too, there must be a lot of us around. Poor love believes everything he's told her. She sat there as he told their 2 year old that she looked stupid and did nothing, and she did nothing when he squeezed their 2 year old's hand so hard to get a sachet out of it her hand went red and she screamed in pain. I'll always be the money-grabbing, contact-denying, lying, delusional, evil ex until she realises how abusive he is. I don't expect that to happen any time soon. I did tell her to get in touch if there was anything she wanted to know. Hey ho.

poolomoomon · 04/09/2014 17:57

Hmm it's difficult.

There was a girl in school who was always a bit bitchy and weirdly jealous of me. She'd try to emulate me in ways iykwim and compete with me even though I had no interest in being anyone's competition, I was just doing my own thang. I ended up dating one of her exes at one point, she warned me not to go there with him because he was a user, an arsehole, a liar etc. Of course I didn't believe her! Just thought she was being her usual spiteful self and it was jealousy. Turned out she was telling the truth and my heart got broken. I always think of that scenario and wish wish wish I'd listened to her.

So I can see from that perspective how sometimes the exes are painted out to be the jealous, vindictive ones but really they're trying to do the right thing and warn the new partner exactly what they're getting themselves in for. If I'm honest I felt like warning other girls too after he did it to me.

I'm always weary of people who bang on about an ex. How it's all the exes fault, the ex was evil and the devils incarnate etc. Some people protest a bit too much. Obviously some will have had abusive horrible fuckers as exes but there's definitely a few who will blame the ex when in actual fact it's them with the problem.

I think the majority of people just don't really talk about exes much do they? If someone was still ranting on about an ex I'd be worried they weren't fully over them personally.