To think that a lot of new dp's are delusional about what a bitch the ex is?

[JaffacakesAreBiscuits]

I've read multiple threads on here over the years about ex wives/partners and how obstructive they are/how they make things difficult for new relationships/how they threaten no contact on a wim etc etc. Most of this is relayed second hand through the dp so I'm not talking about people who have first-hand experience/encounters. I've always been a bit about this because if the relationship is over why would you want to be that obstructive? but given the benefit of the doubt.

So imagine my surprise when I recognised my ex's partner on a parenting forum (not this one), talking about how obstructive his ex is, how I constantly want more money from him and am planning to take the children away to live with my new partner. Judging by her description I am clearly the bitch from hell and he is the angel Gabriel. It's all lies btw but because me and new dp have no contact she only has his word to go on which she obviously believes without question.

He was an emotionally abusive arse who gaslighted, played emotional mind games and destroyed my confidence entirely, and interestingly he has just started to do the same to her except she hasn't recognised the signs yet.

When I read "ex bitch from hell," threads now I can't help wondering how much of the truth new partners really know. And by new I mean sometimes partners of several years but who have no relationship with the ex

it's an interesting topic. I know my ex's new girlfriends are told lies about me - or at least I guess it's that way. He told some dreadful, dreadful lies about me and the reasons he left me (nothing to do with his affair!) to family and friends. Whilst I think most people took his crap with a pinch of salt in those days, it's different now with some time and space and totally new people in both our lives who have little/no contact with people from our 'old' lives. It gives scope for a tweaking of the truth, if nothing else!

I would never contact a new girlfriend and say anything. In her shoes, I wouldn't believe it and frankly, I think it just makes you look a big unhinged which plays into their hands. The best thing you can do is shut up and put up and give reason for them to question. If I am bitch from hell, why do I allow my children to give their old toys to her son? Why did I recently send some new school uniform I found which mine have now grown too big for for her son? Why am I never on their doorstep shouting the odds? Or sending dodgy texts? Why do our children see their dad on a regular basis if I am trying to turn them against him? If she doesn't think to question any of that then frankly, she doesn't deserve better!

F0ssil she's possibly asking because she doesn't believe him.

LadySybil, I admire you for saying to her 'get in touch' but I feel like I've learnt my own lessons and I'm free and that's enough. I can't raise some random stranger's self-esteem high enough that she dumps my x. And sure if I did there'd be another damaged people-pleasing woman along soon, raised to be used to disapproval.

I felt sorry for their child to be honest, and I didn't get why she didn't pull him up on it. I had hoped she was too scared so it was my way of telling her she wasn't alone. I think she's just too sucked in now, Do what's right for you, F0ssil. Sometimes people need to learn themselves. If you tell them there's a problem with the person they are with they probably won't believe you.

Like another poster, I also do hope (or wish) that my x could have learnt something from the experience. I learnt so much, about having a healthy self respect for your self and about the differences between appearing happy (to people-please the World!) and actually being happy. I also blame myself for getting together with my x in the first place when I had enough emotional intelligence to realise that he had no emotional intelligence iyswim. He didn't have that insight obviously. So, I've learned to trust my gut too. I've learned to focus on what I feel not what others think.

My x, I really wish he had learnt something. I wonder. I would honestly like to believe it.

I've grown so much since, so I don't regret anything as I wouldn't be the person I am. I'm stronger and wiser, and I also have a lovely child. I don't think my ex learned anything other than that there are strong women out there who will not put up with his shit

< for you.

Yes, I know what you mean. I don't think I'd be as strong as I am or as empathetic if he hadn't been as bad as he was.

If he'd just been a bit bad (like a bit shit with the chores, and a bit useless with the kids, and not very supportive) then I'd still be there. My self-esteem not great, my horizons narrow, my world small, my demeanour meek.... but because I wasn't actually abused I'd have lived with it in a parallel universe.

Now I feel like I react to things better. I am good with people. I understand myself and my own insecurities a lot better. I can push myself, I can be kind to myself.

In the END it turned out to be good for me. If you'd said that to me 7 years ago!? oy vey. I wouldn't have believed it.

My ex's ex was portrayed as a manipulative, grabbing cow who denied him contact with his child. She tried to tell me what he was like but he told me to ignore her, she was just jealous etc. I was very young and naive and found out the hard way. He probably says the same about me as he did her now, we are NC so don't know.

Everything you go through, even the negative stuff, changes you as a person. You can let them affect you in a negative way, let them drag you down, or you can use them for something positive, which is what you've done

I'm raising a child who will be nothing like his father. He's patient, considerate and caring. If his father was still around he wouldn't be like this.

My ex told his new girlfriend that he had has to pay to keep our child in his life. That I saw in writing. God knows what he has said verbally. Don't much care.
I was momentarily gobsmacked - then just laughed.
I'm legally entitled to about £500 maintenance that I haven't claimed. I have allowed him 15 years before he pays back money he owes me. There's plenty more but it's identifying.
Oh - and he was screwing around on her within 6 weeks...
So yeah. Sometimes exes lie!

DP's ex hacked into his email account, obtained my contact details, created an email account in his name, used it to email me a load of lies about him, text and phoned me repeatedly until warned off. Then she tracked down MY ex, contacted him via FB, told him assorted lies, they became FB friends and three years and one harassment warning later (served on her at my request) she is still in cahoots with my ex (they have even met, despite living over 250 miles away from each other) and they plan and scheme together to make our lives a misery. We are now both embroiled in a series of court hearings over child arrangements, the outcome of most previous hearings being that the court awards whatever is in the best interests of the children and NOT what our respective ex's are asking for. We have now, in our separate court proceedings, asked for a non-molestation order preventing his ex and my ex from having any contact with each other, and hopefully at the next hearing this will be granted.

Honestly, you couldn't make this up. Once the DC are adults we are emigrating as we can't live like this.

Oh, and she fraudulently wrote herself a cheque for over £40k from DP's business bank account too, which emptied it and put his business at risk until the bank refunded it.