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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think, well said, Maxine Peake.

114 replies

MrHughJass · 04/09/2014 12:15

She's talked about how having children is selfish.
Yes, yes and yes, I say.

I'm fed up with people equating not having children with selfishness. What's more self centred than the urge to populate a crowded world with more people with your genes, that you happen to want to have around?

If it's all about forfeiting your own (direct) needs for those of others, then don't make a person to fulfil that role. There are plenty of people and animals already in existence who could do with your help.

You only have to look at the ferocity with which parents will compete (outdo each other's offspring) to see that breeding is far from the selfless enterprise it's sometimes made out to be.
Focusing on the needs of your own children (often at the expense of others, by definition, when there are limited resources of one kind or another) is selecting children who matter to you and promoting their welfare. The only difference between your child and the child over the road is that they are related to you. That's why you're so "selfless" about them.

So, have kids if you want them, by all means. It's a human urge - go for it. But please don't think it makes you into some wonderful being who has selflessly forfeited their rights to expensive haircuts and meals out. It's just a different form of selfishness.

Nice one, Maxine.

That is all.

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 04/09/2014 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phantomnamechanger · 04/09/2014 20:26

erm, ok def we heard ya! Grin

phantomnamechanger · 04/09/2014 20:27

12 times!!!! ROFL

ThisFenceIsComfy · 04/09/2014 20:33

Of course having children is based on a selfish decision. As in you do it for yourself.

However to be a good parent, you have to have a degree of selflessness.

I too have never heard anybody say that not having kids is selfish. Although I know a few people (with and without kids) who are far too selfish to be able to parent properly.

Bulbasaur · 04/09/2014 20:41

Well, by that logic, driving is selfish because it only benefits us, eating meat is selfish, owning a house is selfish.

Even being nice to a friend is selfish because you are doing it to maintain the friendship.

Anything a person does is to directly benefit them in one way or another or we simply wouldn't do it. Even martyrs martyr themselves for attention (for them).

Really, it's just diluting the word.

Having a children is a choice. There's no moral attachment to it anymore than choosing whether to have apples or oranges.

LondonRocks · 04/09/2014 20:45

Why? Isn't it just a choice? How dare you judge like that?

Not judging. They've used the phrase "I'm too selfish to want to share my time and husband with kids"!

I don't 'expect' other people to have kids to pay for me in my dotage. As far as I can tell so far in life, people just do keep on having them and me expecting them to or not expecting them to wouldn't make one bit of difference to that.

They'll be the ones running the country, the health service, serving in shops, sweeping your road, collecting your rubbish and wiping your backside if you're unlucky.

MrHughJass · 04/09/2014 21:03

Bulbasaur, I'm not sure about there being no moral attachment to the decision. But I do agree with you about there being problems with using the word selfish. Much too simplistic, I know.

I'm surprised by the number of people who haven't experienced the word used in relation to people who don't have children though. I hear it regularly.

OP posts:
MrHughJass · 04/09/2014 21:08

Defen, I think Maxine's fab too, and am selfishly pleased she can do the roles she does.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 04/09/2014 22:03

Maxine comes across as compassionate and very politically passionate too. A woman after my own heart.

I think shes great.

Defenbaker · 07/09/2014 00:09

Phantom... just noticed my TWELVE identical posts!!! So embarrassed! Blush Apologies everyone, my computer screen froze and the post didn't show up immediately. I've reported myself to MN... no other choice but to fess up really! Hopefully they'll be able to delete the extra 11 posts.

SingingSilver · 07/09/2014 01:53

You made me think of this YT video by Cristina Rad, she re-buffs all the usual arguments - posting in solidarity with you OP!

Coumarin · 07/09/2014 03:05

She opens up about her struggle with infertility and fertility treatment and this is the crap she gets. Jeez. No wonder people keep quiet about it.

Coumarin · 07/09/2014 03:06

Also I know you meant well Def (12 times!) but saying 'I'm glad she doesn't have children.' about a woman who has miscarried and had fertility treatment is a bit jarring to say the least.

Defenbaker · 07/09/2014 12:54

Coumarin,

I didn't know Maxine's background story (didn't click on any links or read/see any interview). You're right to call me on that. So sorry for any offence caused.

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