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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my husband?

31 replies

firefly78 · 02/09/2014 23:50

my husband works full time plus does a lot of freelance work. he is a hands on dad to our two kids aged 7 and 3. i work three and half days a week. i have been at home this afternoon but took kids for haircuts and did some food shopping. he moaned that when he came home it was chaos and he can't cope with it. i didn't think it was. it was fraught due the kids bickering so dd was in front watching a dvd and DH moaned that it was chaos cos i hadn't opened the blinds fully. i have one whole day off a week and he thinks i should spend this day doing housework as its not my day off its our shared day allocated for me to do house stuff. instead i take DS to a toddler group and do some housework. i said to DH its easier for me to do housework at the weekend when he can watch the kids but he told me this was selfish cos thats our family time together. i and friends of mine think the house is fine but he has ridiculously high standards IMO.

OP posts:
Original poster
firefly78 · 02/09/2014 23:51

sorry for lack of paragraphs!

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 03/09/2014 00:05

When does your husband do housework?

Original poster
firefly78 · 03/09/2014 00:06

at the weekend but works a 60 week apparently with all the extra stuff he does so house stuff is my job apparently. grrr im so wound up.

OP posts:
olgaga · 03/09/2014 00:07

YANBU. Sorry but he sounds awful. I hope this was an off day.

Why should you have to do ALL the housework, childcare, laundry, organise haircuts and millions of other tasks that need doing AND work 3.5 days a week - just so he gets to enjoy "family time" at the weekend?

During this "family time" do you get time to relax?

No. Thought not!

ohfourfoxache · 03/09/2014 00:07

He sounds like a tosser

Does he have any redeeming qualities at all?

Original poster
firefly78 · 03/09/2014 00:10

at the moment no.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/09/2014 00:11

You don't have a day 'off' though if you are looking after your three year old.

He seems very found of using pejorative words, 'selfish', 'chaos'. I am extremely unsympathetic to men who have high standards at home but don't maintain them themselves. Smacks of staff to me. Does he ever have the kids, alone and do housework?

Original poster
firefly78 · 03/09/2014 00:12

its always been like this. throughout my 2 maternity leaves. he think housework should be the top priority rather than me having as he calls it jollies such as toddler group. he never appreciates how hard it is to do anything when i have the youngest one at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
firefly78 · 03/09/2014 00:13

yes he does occasionally have the kids and do housework. i dont know how he does it cos i really struggle.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/09/2014 00:15

'Jollies'? There's a man who hasn't suffered through the hell of toddler group and soft play. I've never worked so hard in my life.

If he thinks housework is top priority you might point out that this means you and your children, well, aren't top priority...

Original poster
firefly78 · 03/09/2014 00:18

yup thats how it feels. we are trying to sell the house but hes still always been like this. he will look round the house and say its disgusting even though im constantly cleaning, cooking, sorting stuff. he said i should put youngest in nursery then if i cant get jobs done or stick him on the ipad??!! i did point out that the toddler group was not remotely for my benefit.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 03/09/2014 00:33

I imagine he sticks them in front of a screen when he 'occasionally' does this. Not that I never do this myself, but I wouldn't be that impressed by an 'occasional' effort of this kind if he is moaning at you constantly about the state of the house. You are working hard.

Tell him if housework is such a high priority for him he will need to make an effort himself as your concern is a balanced family life for your children and his planned routine doesn't allow for that. If the weekends are 'family time' why shouldn't that include him taking care of the kids by himself?

SavoyCabbage · 03/09/2014 00:39

I've just started working part time after working full time and I gave to say I preferred the full time as all the housework now falls on me whereas before we shared it.

I'm working harder than I was before and I would much rather be at work.

taxi4ballet · 03/09/2014 01:14

Picture the scene.

You have one day off work and spend it washing-up, putting away breakfast debris, cleaning, doing the washing and the ironing, shopping for food, gardening, matching up odd socks, picking up and tidying general discarded junk belonging to the rest of the family, emptying the bins, paying bills, bringing order from chaos in teen dd's room, recycling old newspapers, taking old books to the charity shop, fielding unwanted texts from people asking stupid questions about work (and who have forgotten it's your day off), watering the house plants, talking to MIL on phone, paying school trip bill, and figuring out the logistics of after-school club timetabling for the whole of the next term and beyond... oh yes, and cooking dinner.

DH arrives home from work, finds you on the sofa (where you have been in a state of collapse for 3 minutes) and says:

"So... what have you been doing all day then, while I've been at work?"

thicketofstars · 03/09/2014 01:23

I think he has got you right where he wants you to be honest. He has an answer for everything hasn't he. It sounds like he thinks your boss! He needs to try a couple of days filling in for all that you do the when you're supposed to be doing all the housework with a toddler in tow. It can't usually be done in a day anyway, it's an ongoing responsibility, like an extra toddler. I could be wrong, but I don't like the sound of him.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 03/09/2014 07:03

taxi4ballet I asked this question. Once.

I swear to God her hair started turning into snakes.

Then some years later, when I was SAHD, she asked it of me. Having learned my lesson, I did NOT murmur something about the Cheeky Girls and unsalted butter.

rallytog1 · 03/09/2014 07:20

He IBVU, but I think there's something in his point that the weekend is family time. We ended up getting a cleaner, so that I could spend my one day off in the week with our dd, then we don't need to worry too much about jobs that need doing around the house at the weekends.

So is it worth thinking about getting some paid help, so that everyone can have more time? I realise the cost can be prohibitive, but it may be worth a thought.

I say this as someone who works FT (compressed hours) and also freelances in the evenings - I sort of understand how it feels to get home and see the house in a mess. Some people are better at dealing with it than others. It drives me nuts, even though I know IABU.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 03/09/2014 07:29

He doesn't respect what you do at all. Sad

dexter73 · 03/09/2014 07:31

Rather than pay to put your youngest in a nursery to have time to get the cleaning done, you should get a cleaner then you can go off on your 'jollies' and come back to a clean house!

Original poster
firefly78 · 03/09/2014 07:33

house isnt in a mess though in my view. dont get how he expects an immaculate house when we have 2 children. hes had a major bereavement a year ago and i do think its affecting his behaviour. want to LTB but lack the courage and would just break the kids hearts

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 03/09/2014 07:38

By weekend is family time I think he means he doesn't want to watch the kids while you do the housework, he may even be asked to do some of the housework them if he's there..

bloodyteenagers · 03/09/2014 07:45

Tell him straight to get off his arse and do stuff rather than whining about it.
When he pulls the oh but I work 60 hours, you don't, blah blah blah.. Reduce your hours by doing nothing for him. No washing. Cooking. Nothing. And tell him why. You aren't his mum. You aren't his staff. You are partners.

George9978 · 03/09/2014 07:46

My DH is exactly the same.
I don't know why he can't grasp that it's very hard to even stay tidy never mind do actual cleaning with children.
He regularly asks what I've been doing all day, moans if we are untidy, fails to understand how long things take with children. Never cleans up after himself.
I prioritise the children we do stuff, play etc, I'm not focusing on "my job" as he likes to call it!

When he looks after them on his own he does all the cheats, tv, computers, meals out, help from granny. It seems impossible to get him to understand that the reality of "my job" He thinks it easy, as the reality for him is easy, I won't let them watch two films a day.

Sadly I don't think he will ever 'get' it and am now forced to simply say. "this is the reality of children, if it's not good enough help or stop moaning. I refuse to agree to do jobs when he wants them done. He was very good at saying this cooker needs cleaning for example then demanding to know why I hadn't completed my job. Now I say yes I will get round to that but it's not my priority, if you want it cleaned you can do it or I will get to it in good time.

I've started to point out the amount of mess he's made who left this dirty plate at the table? Why are your underpants on the floor? and I try to get in how much I have done..." wow three loads of washing today, do you know it takes 2.5 hours to Hoover the house?"

Good luck. And it was so good to vent. Smile

George9978 · 03/09/2014 07:49

Btw my house isn't a mess at all it's clean enough and I would never be concerned a bout letting some one in, were all talking a out someone being overly demanding.

Clarabum · 03/09/2014 08:00

Would he seriously rather your child was bored shitless and the house was immaculate? He needs to lower his standards.
I agree with bloody teenagers. I do all the housework in my house as I am a SAHM but DP realises that this is my choice to do it and would never try to imply that i'm shirking my responsibilities. We had an argument once over him not having work clothes and I told him where to stick his work clothes.
You are not his mother.

You're doing really well with what little time you have. LTB!! (just kidding but give him a stern talking to)