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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about lack of birthday present for DS1 from DBro?

64 replies

ShadowStar · 02/09/2014 12:45

DS1 turned 3 recently. There was no birthday card / message etc from DBro on DS1's birthday - not really surprising as DBro's typically rubbish at remembering birthdays that aren't his.

I sent him a message reminding him about the birthday, and DBro responded along the lines of 'sorry, forgot all about it. I'll be up at parents in a few days, want me to leave a card with them?' (Parents live about 20 mins drive from me). Incidentally, turns out this visit to parents was more of a using their house as an overnight hotel visit that they were unaware of until I mentioned it to them on the phone the next day.

So. DBro stopped overnight at parents house, and left a card with them, which parents have now dropped off. Just a card. No present, not even a small token one like a pack of crayons or bag of chocolate buttons. The card's from Tesco, so it's not like he wouldn't have had an opportunity to get a present - big Tesco's stock toys, and even small branches will have things like chocolate. I know I didn't specifically ask him to get a present, but still.

AIBU to think that once DBro was in there buying a card, he should have taken the next logical step and got DS1 a present?

(And before anyone asks if DBro is penniless - judging by things he's posted on FB and conversations with him and other family members, within the last month alone I estimate that he's spent at least £500 on comic books, Lego and tickets for music gigs. So it's not like he can't afford to spend £5 on his nephew's birthday)

OP posts:
Wailywailywaily · 02/09/2014 13:19

Actually ShadowStar I'm with you on this. It really upsets me when my Bros and Sis's forget my DC's birthdays as I go out of my way to remember their DC's birthdays. But I don't expect the aunts and uncles who don't have DC to remember, I suspect that as they don't have DC it doesn't seem as important to them.

I don't expect them to buy anything other than a card as it is a big family but I do expect them to remember.

parakeet · 02/09/2014 13:19

YABU, I'm sure your son had loads of presents on his b'day. You sound grabby.

Some people just aren't that interested in children and that's their perogative. I wasn't really until I had my own.

parakeet · 02/09/2014 13:20

I buy my nieces and nephews birthday and Christmas presents because of my relationship with THEM - not their parents.

DaisyFlowerChain · 02/09/2014 13:22

YABU, I'd be cheesed off if my brothers text to remind me about their child's birthday. You may as well say make with the present.

He bought a card and acknowledged the birthday. Gifts are optional and not to be demanded.

NanFucker · 02/09/2014 13:25

Weird responses, I would have thought it normal that aunts and uncles buy for their nieces/nephews, our family always do as do the families of my friends Confused

You don't sound grabby or unreasonable to me op

Quenelle · 02/09/2014 13:27

Oh gosh yes, don't put yourself out for your brother's birthday in future. There's clearly no obligation either way now. It's quite liberating really.

I don't buy my nieces presents any more because they're adults now. I had felt bad at the idea of stopping but when sister forgot DS's birthday the first time I lost all feelings of guilt. I still send them cards though.

BaronessBomburst · 02/09/2014 13:30

Lego is not necessarily a children's toy! And a lot of comics are not suitable for children either.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 02/09/2014 13:30

I've got 7 nieces and nephews and never brought them anything on their birthday.
A card or phone call is a nice gesture but I don't think there is any need for a present.
We don't buy for them at Christmas either, we just enjoy seeing them.

grocklebox · 02/09/2014 13:31

Hmm you only give presents when you are assured of getting one back, or for your kids? Stop doing presents at all,you have completely missed the point of them.
Ugh.

ILovePud · 02/09/2014 13:35

Take your DS round to visit his uncle and let him grubby up all his lego and comics. Wink

BlackWings · 02/09/2014 13:45

I think you're getting an unnecessarily harsh time here OP but that's aibu for you! My db takes little interest in ds, he does get presents or rather his lovely wife does but I'd rather he actually spent some time with him particularly as ds's dad is an absent one. Yanbu to feel hurt imo.

wolfe1 · 02/09/2014 13:49

I think YABU. I don't expect people to feel obliged to buy my kids things. None of my siblings buy birthday presents for my kids and tbh I'm glad as they get enough of them as it is!. They tend to remember to send a card though.

Does your DB spend a lot of time with your DS? The only reason i ask is because my DH's brother spoils all 5 of our kids rotten on their birthdays but they are very close and they spend a lot with him/skyping him. Perhaps your brother wouldn't know what DS already has or would actually like? This could be plausible if he doesn't have children of his own.

Fudgeface123 · 02/09/2014 13:52

YABU, nobody should feel like they have to buy presents and you should stop being so grabby. Your kid isn't going to know who's bought what so what does it matter.

Jeez, this is why I have dogs

Original poster
ShadowStar · 02/09/2014 13:56

The type of comics that DBro generally buys are definitely not suitable for 3 yr olds, and the Lego looks like the kind that's aimed at adults too - I think it's the architecture range? Like replicas of famous buildings rather than the Duplo end of the scale.

I was using them as an illustration of DBro having disposable income rather than as an indication of childishness.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShadowStar · 02/09/2014 14:02

I was also starting from the assumption that it's normal for people to remember to buy birthday cards and presents - even just small token presents - for their nephews and nieces. Seems this is less normal than I thought!

OP posts:
FrenchJunebug · 02/09/2014 14:03

YABU I don't expect anybody to buy something for my 3-year-old birthday. You're kid doesn't care, nor should you!

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 02/09/2014 14:10

I would never text or call somebody to tell them they had forgotten a birthday.

BackInTheGame · 02/09/2014 14:20

I think it really depends on how close the aunts and uncles are to their nieces and nephews and also on their personalities. My dad's sister was clearly never interested in me or my brother. She was his younger sister and whilst he settled down quite early and led a pretty mature life, she had the life of a teenager until about the age of 32 and although married, never wanted children of her own. I think she just found children irritating/boring so rarely visited us and sometimes sent a card but never any presents.

I remember feeling a bit disappointed around the ages of 7-10 but I think as we weren't close anyway, the feelings were more a result of hearing my mum saying how terrible it was that she didn't send anything. Otherwise I don't think I'd have cared and just accepted that's how she was. Also I was definitley more sad about the lack of a relationship with her than by the lack of presents!

The result of the general distance with which she treated us is that neither my brother or I are close to her or visit her or anything now, whereas we make an effort with our aunt and uncles on our mum's side of the family and spend time with them, give them and their children gifts etc.

Floggingmolly · 02/09/2014 14:29

It doesn't matter whether it's a "normal" thing to do or not, op, it's still not actually compulsory and you were OTT and entitled to go to such trouble to draw it to his attention.

icclemunchy · 02/09/2014 14:31

My sister did the same to my DD this year. Tbh I wouldn't of minded if not for her slagging me off on fb for not sending my nieces gift in the post as my dad was visiting the next weekend and took it back (I still sent her card!)

It's not so much the lack of gift or card that bothers me. More the fact that my DD doesn't seem to feature as an "important" enough part of her life to make a call or send a card. So I think yanbu

Jux · 02/09/2014 14:39

YABU.

tittifilarious · 02/09/2014 18:34

I don't like expectations of presents. That said, I can't imagine not buying presents for my nieces. My BIL/SIL hardly ever buy for my kids, despite in the past specifying exactly what we should buy for their kids (they had kids first).

I still send BIL/SIL birthday presents too even though they acknowledge my birthday as often as Haley's comet.

I couldn't not send them a present - it would make me annoy myself!

They're not skint. They are a bit self-obsessed. I don't expect anything from them.

Wrcgirl · 04/09/2014 21:45

^what grocklebox said

mum9876 · 04/09/2014 22:01

My siblings were a bit older than me and had dc much younger than I did. I never really knew how to relate to their babies or what to do with them.

But I always sent them birthday presents. Even though they were probably way off the mark, completely the wrong age. I tried.

I agree, I think it's a bit shabby not to bother. Sorry if I've missed it but have you said how old he is?

People can be a bit self centred in their late teens/early twenties - is he of that age?

Dubjackeen · 04/09/2014 22:07

I don't have kids, but I buy presents for my nieces and nephews...something I know that some members of the family (who do have kids) don't do.

In your shoes OP, I wouldn't have reminded him. I'd probably give the response he gave though, when he mentions his own birthday to you.

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