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AIBU?

about lack of birthday present for DS1 from DBro?

64 replies

ShadowStar · 02/09/2014 12:45

DS1 turned 3 recently. There was no birthday card / message etc from DBro on DS1's birthday - not really surprising as DBro's typically rubbish at remembering birthdays that aren't his.

I sent him a message reminding him about the birthday, and DBro responded along the lines of 'sorry, forgot all about it. I'll be up at parents in a few days, want me to leave a card with them?' (Parents live about 20 mins drive from me). Incidentally, turns out this visit to parents was more of a using their house as an overnight hotel visit that they were unaware of until I mentioned it to them on the phone the next day.

So. DBro stopped overnight at parents house, and left a card with them, which parents have now dropped off. Just a card. No present, not even a small token one like a pack of crayons or bag of chocolate buttons. The card's from Tesco, so it's not like he wouldn't have had an opportunity to get a present - big Tesco's stock toys, and even small branches will have things like chocolate. I know I didn't specifically ask him to get a present, but still.

AIBU to think that once DBro was in there buying a card, he should have taken the next logical step and got DS1 a present?

(And before anyone asks if DBro is penniless - judging by things he's posted on FB and conversations with him and other family members, within the last month alone I estimate that he's spent at least £500 on comic books, Lego and tickets for music gigs. So it's not like he can't afford to spend £5 on his nephew's birthday)

OP posts:

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JamaicanMeCrazy · 04/09/2014 22:07

yabu nobody is under any obligation to buy anyone a present

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Babyroobs · 04/09/2014 23:30

My husband's sister doesn't buy for any of our kids ( she did a few times when they were little) despit them being her only niece and nephews in this country but i don't really mind, she always sends a card.

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PhaedraIsMyName · 04/09/2014 23:37

You are being completely unreasonable.

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NoWayYesWay · 04/09/2014 23:46

YABU

My DBro never bought presents for my kids and now my bro has kids I don't buy for them. We don't even send cards to each other's kids. I think it's great!

The important thing is that we all love each other and each other's kids. My nephews and nieces think I am amazing and are delighted whenever they see me. My kids get enough presents from my Dh and I and my nephews and nieces get enough from my DBro and his wife.

OP, do you honestly think your DC cares whether he gets a present from your DBro. I bet he doesn't even notice.

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nancy75 · 04/09/2014 23:49

There are a lot of funny ideas about family on this site - I wouldn't dream of not buying a gift for me brothers children and he is the same with mine.
It seems that lots of people on here think family starts and finish with whoever lives in your house.

Op I don't think yabu to disappointed with your brothers lack of thought.

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OddFodd · 04/09/2014 23:55

Do you expect your brother to buy you, your husband and your children presents? And then you get him one present in return?

Add that up over months and years of Xmases, birthdays, christenings etc and siblings who choose to reproduce do quite well on the whole out of their childless siblings.

And really, it's terribly rude to pester people to buy your child a present. I bet he didn't care

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pictish · 04/09/2014 23:57

It seems that lots of people on here think family starts and finish with whoever lives in your house.

Well yes! For a lot of us, that's true. My mum passed away years ago, and I don't have a close relationship with my dad, who left when I was 9.
My brother doesn't send cards or gifts for my kids birthdays and it doesn't put me up nor down. He seldom features in their lives, albeit maybe once or twice a year. We get on well enough, but I think it's fair to say we're not really all that arsed about one another.
My aunts and uncles all live far away and I don't see much of them either.
So to me, my family IS who lives in my house.
Is that wrong?

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nancy75 · 05/09/2014 00:04

Pictish - your way is not wrong but neither are people that have a more extended view of family (which it appears the op does). I think most people in the real world away from MN would buy a gift for a niece or nephew and expect their sibling to do the same

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OddFodd · 05/09/2014 00:31

It does sort of depend on how many children the childless brother with much disposable income is expected to fork out for too.

One of my childless friends has nine nieces and nephews, several of whom now have children of their own. She is viewed as a bit of a cash cow by some of them which is pretty unpleasant. I dare say if she hadn't always been so generous, that wouldn't have happened.

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NadiaWadia · 05/09/2014 03:39

YANBU. It would be usual to get a card and at least a small gift for a niece or nephew, especially when they are so young. It's not about the value of the present, it's about acknowledging the DN and showing that the aunt/uncle cares. Is that not normal to many of you?

OP mentions 'a bag of chocolate buttons or a pack of crayons'. 'It's the thought that counts' as they say, and seems the OP's DB has not given his DN much thought. So the OP feels a bit hurt, understandably. She is hardly being grabby FGS.

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musicalendorphins2 · 05/09/2014 05:02

He couldn't be bothered to put a stamp on it, and give your son the thrill of receiving a letter from the letter carrier?
I know as a child, just the card would have made me happy, so I am sure your son wasn't affected.
I send cards, and under 21's get presents with them. My brother and his kids never send us cards.

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Floggingmolly · 05/09/2014 09:31

What op expects is one thing, and may not be grabby in itself; but actually chasing up her brother to demand an explanation / justification for the gift's non arrival is grabby (and undignified).
I wouldn't send a present that was demanded of me either.

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spannablue · 05/09/2014 11:03

It might be an idea to just make peace with the fact that he just doesn't have nephew birthdays on his radar.

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spannablue · 05/09/2014 11:09

...Also, family culture and practices differ from family to family. We're all a bit flaky in my family about this stuff but we love seeing each other and are v close. If the DBro likes to remind you of his birthday perhaps you could have a negotiating conversation about whose birthdays are to be marked with a present and whose aren't. My sister's and I agreed no presents this Xmas to save money and we still had a lovely time