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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was Dh nasty in saying this or just honest?

56 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 01/09/2014 10:32

Dh had a friend over at the weekend and they'd been drinking. We were debating (heatedly) about ds's school work. I think he's fine, Dh thinks he should do better.
Dh said to me, "it's different for you as you had ds young and never had a career and have me to look you, ds will be the breadwinner of his house and needs to try harder"
I felt upset thinking that's how he sees me.
Aibu?

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 01/09/2014 13:36

it was pretty nasty to say this and even more so in front of someone else. He's rude and dismissive of you, but even worse to dismiss you infront of a guest in your home. Not acceptable, no matter how drunk.

However, have you never been particularly ambitious and taken "it'll do" approach to study/career as you knew you wanted to be a full time SAHM? If you have chosen a man who wanted a 'traditional' set up of a wife who was a SAHM and not someone who's ambitious for herself, then while that might have suited your life goals, you can't be surprised that he has the view that the man is the provider and the woman runs the home, that a girl's academic achievement isn't as important than a boys, because a boy's career will be what keeps the family and a girls will be what keeps her in 'pretty things' until she starts a family.

Also, did your DH achieve better than you academically - and in reality, is that not based on him being brighter than you?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/09/2014 13:43

It really depends on the context. It was a stupid thing to say but might not be a judgment on you. Is he generally dismissive of you? How would he react if you said you wanted to train for a skilled job?

He might just have been bigging himself up to a mate. Beating his chest and doing the look at me, man of the house crap.

If he is the sort of person who expects his dinner on the table and shirts ironed etc, it was probably meant how it sounded. On the other hand, if he usually is respectful and pulls his weight around the house then it could well have been a combination of booze and bravado.

BTW I am the breadwinner and DH was the SAHD when the DC were little.

The number of female breadwinners is rising so things might not be so predictable when your DS has a family.
www.theguardian.com/money/2013/aug/04/mothers-breadwinners-in-family-report-says

ghostisonthecanvas · 01/09/2014 13:48

Why should she rush out to get a job? She has a job. SAHM. If ops response is to go running out to get retrained surely she is agreeing with her partner? She is belittling the job she has been doing. As he has done.

DaisyFlowerChain · 01/09/2014 13:53

He didn't say anything that wasn't true though. If you don't work then your education isn't ya play career wise and he is paying to support you. Presumably you wanted to stay home or you would be working otherwise.

His views are very old fashioned though but he's basing them on the current household set up so doesn't know any different.

I was DS to do well at school but not based on the fact that he's male and will need a decent wage to support his wife! It's one of the reasons I've always worked, it shows him both partners can work and parent therefore sharing both the finances and child rearing. I'd never want him to believe he has to work as make whilst his partner gets an automatic opt out.

gertiegusset · 01/09/2014 15:16

I assume he had Ds young too and you have facilitated his career by staying at home and avoiding childcare costs that he would have had to contribute too.
I imagine you also do all the house stuff, washing and cleaning and shopping and cooking etc that he would have to do if you weren't there to do it.
Maybe it's time for you to find something for yourself if you feel he doesn't appreciate what you provide to the family.
And yes, very rude to put you down in company.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 01/09/2014 16:14

That's the thing, it felt to me like he was implying that he's better than me or has done better in life. I pointed out that I have raised some very happy children, I do well in other aspects of life despite what life has thrown me.

Funnily enough, about an hour after he said this, I was offered a very good job earning more than him so in your face DH

I think he likes to make out as if he's been my saviour coming along and supporting DS and myself as he met me when DS was quite young. Quite arrogant really but I think what he meant was that DS mustn't grow up thinking there'll be someone out there to 'bail him out' as he thinks he did for me.

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 01/09/2014 16:28

I hope you've taken that job. Again, and I always say this, women should always make sure they earn. Money is power, never more obvious than in relationships.

aprilanne · 01/09/2014 16:34

i don,t think it was nasty .just probably old fashioned .my hubby the same .i was ASAHM for a long time .my hubby quite happy to work and i watch children .he would have not been happy to leave kids in childcare .and yes i have him heard him say to my 3 boys .you better work hard .some day you will have a wife and family to keep.some people just assume its still a man,s job to be bread winner .

captainmummy · 01/09/2014 16:49

daisy you are at it again with the misogyny.

Topaz25 · 01/09/2014 16:55

Did you take the job?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/09/2014 16:57

Take the job!

Xmasbaby11 · 01/09/2014 17:00

Very sexist. I wouldn't be impressed.

Bulbasaur · 01/09/2014 17:08

Coming from a "traditional" family where my father was the breadwinner and my mom did most of the child care and cleaning, both parents prioritized and put a high value on good grades.

It's not about supporting anyone, it's about teaching them to work hard and have a good work ethic which they will need to survive the current job market. Teach your son to try his best now and hammer in good habits now before he's older and more resistant to your guidance.

The real question is, is your DS trying his best? My parents had a reward box that had some nice stuff in it, like a date with any parent of our choice where we wanted, or toys/video games/whatever that we got to pick from if our grades were good that quarter. As we got older, my parents bribed us with new computers. I didn't get the best grades, but I tried my best and I learned good work ethic, which has helped me still.

Missing the point here, I know.

As for your husband, get a job (even if it's part time) so you're not totally dependent on him. It's only going to breed resentment between you two if you don't.

CromerSutra · 01/09/2014 17:34

Someone said similar to me at a party recently, that they only pushed their son because he would need to be a breadwinner but it didn't matter how his Dd did at school because she would most likely marry well! I thought it was insulting and archaic. A friend I told later thought it was a reasonable thing to say!

FryMyFollicles · 01/09/2014 17:40

Wow, I really hope you took the job.

Because it's going to be down to you by the look of it to raise a desirable, feminist man who decent, intelligent women want to partner up with.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/09/2014 17:53

I think his attitude is sexist but some people don't mind their dp being like this.
it is wrong to generalise that your ds will be the bread winner and that you won't have a career, but it may be truthful, but tactless.

I don't believe that a permanent sahm model is sexist at all if this is the womans choice. Not everyone wants a career/job and are happy being a sahm. If the man shares many of the domestic responsibilities how is it sexist and old fashioned?

Waltermittythesequel · 01/09/2014 18:01

How many dc do you have and how young are they?

I ask because it's a lot harder to accuse the mother of very young dc of being lazy, or scrounging, or having no ambition than to accuse say, the mother of teens who are pretty much out of the house all day.

I'm not passing judgement on either, before I get attacked! I'm just saying, one is shakier ground than the other!

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 01/09/2014 18:32

Yes I took the job!
I could understand if Dh had a great career but he was out of work off and on for a long time and now only works part time and we rely on housing benefit and tax credits to top up our earnings. Now I'm working we will finally be independent.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/09/2014 18:37

Congratulations on the job.

I wonder if deep down he feels a bit of a failure so has cast himself in the role of knight in shining armour to make himself feel better about his patchy career.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/09/2014 18:40

Congratulations on the job.

Based on your update I would imagine it was his way of making himself feel better for his unemployment and subsequent part time work.

Still twatty though!

oldgrandmama · 01/09/2014 18:46

What a charmer! Reminds me of ex 'D'H, who once announced, during a dinner party, that the most stupid, ignorant man was STILL more intelligent than the most talented, high achieving woman ... simply because he was A MAN! One of the woman guest jumped on him and said something on the lines of '... you mean a woman surgeon, doctor, scientist, engineer, author, whatever - is still less intelligent that some ignorant, talentless, layabout male prick?'

He said 'yes'. Divorced him 28 years ago

tumbletumble · 01/09/2014 18:48

Congratulations OP!

thicketofstars · 01/09/2014 18:51

It's obnoxious but I think there is a nugget of a sentiment that would have been understandable. If a man is a breadwinner, he may well expect his son to have that burden on his shoulders one day too. And feel concerned if he looks like he isn't on course for that. Although it's patriarchal and all sorts of horrible things, it wouldn't be a crime for him to feel that. Especially if he's doing a good job of providing for his family - there are plenty of good for nothing sexist men out there, which he obviously isn't. But just to clarify, I would be furious in your shoes. Very demeaning.

thicketofstars · 01/09/2014 18:53

oldgrandmama Oh my word

scottishmummy · 01/09/2014 18:57

I see yiu took the job offer.good.dont be reliant on your dh
And I guess what stung was he was right to,some women chose not to work,leave it to men to support them
You both need to break that patriarchal man work,woman housewife.and by taking job you have

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