To think I am not too young to have a baby?

[FlyingHamster]

I don't think I am but a few comments from friends have made me start doubting myself a little bit.

A bit of background - I am 23 and me and my partner have been talking about how we would like to start trying for a baby soon. I have worked since I was 16 and am now earning a good wage, my partner also works and earns a good wage. We also have our own house now. It's not like we're struggling with money or struggling to feed ourselves so we can afford to bring a baby into the mix.

However the reaction from friends has been surprisingly negative. They are mostly the same age as me but they seem to be under the impression that I'm too young and that I will be throwing my life away if I do this. They have been telling me that at my age I "should" be out having fun, going out to nightclubs and getting drunk and going places.

Except I have already done all of those things and quite frankly I'm getting bored of some of those things. I did party a lot in my mid to late teens and was out clubbing every weekend back then. I enjoyed it then however over the last couple of years I've gotten bored of it and now only go out drinking once a month if that. I'm happy with that however I have people who think I am turning "old" and "boring" too soon but that's a whole other thread.

I have also been to various places and whilst I want to travel some more one day I don't think starting a family now will mean that can't ever happen.

So now I'm worried that a lot of people will be thinking I'm too young except they won't want to say it out loud. Even though I shouldn't really care what other people think .

My daughter (12) would currently much prefer to have a 35-year-old mum like some of her friends, instead of the creaky 50-year-old she's actually been landed with.

Plus, you might avoid the joys of puberty-plus-menopause that I and most of my friends are having at the moment.

I think it's a little young, at that age relationships don't tend to last the distance but some beat the odds.

I'd hope DS was older than 23 tbh so that he has done everything he wants to before children, is more stable in his chosen job and has some savings behind him to help with the expensive early years re nursery etc.

Personal choice though, as long as you have done the sums re maternity pay, childcare and costs of a child and believe your relationship will last them it's upto you.

I had two by the age of 21.

While I wouldn't want my children to follow my footsteps I don't regret it at all.

If you are in a steady relationship and can afford it then I see no reason why you should not try now.

No one else's business.

"Except I have already done [clubbing, getting drunk etc.] and quite frankly I'm getting bored of some of those things. I did party a lot in my mid to late teens and was out clubbing every weekend back then. I enjoyed it then however over the last couple of years I've gotten bored of it and now only go out drinking once a month if that. I'm happy with that however I have people who think I am turning "old" and "boring" too soon but that's a whole other thread."

I remember getting to that stage! Yes it was fun, but been there, done that; of course you're ready to 'move on'.

Sometimes when what you want to do is different from what those around you want to do, they almost take it as if you are criticising their behaviour. You're not, but that's how they can sometimes feel, without actually realising it. Hence the comments to make you question yourself and maybe 'conform'. Not because that would be the right thing for you, but because it would make them feel more comfortable, validated even with their choice of lifestyle.

You may lose some of these friends, but try to think of it as you moving on and they'll probably catch up with you at some point.

YANBU.

It is a little young, but most people haven't bought a house or found "the one" at that stage.

While I didn't have DC1 until I was 30, I had stopped clubbing and 'vertical drinking' in bars at that age, but what I was doing that will be hard when you ahve a baby;

• putting in long hours at work so you can get to a stronger work position before giving up.
• getting to the stage where I could spend some cash on me, so buying more expensive clothes, make up etc.
• going to posh, expensive and not at all child-friendly restaurants
• spending saturdays wandering round art galleries before having a civilise cuppa with friends (you can do this up until your DC are mobile, after that, it gets tricky)
• went on long haul, posh holidays. Not going to the far east to backpack, but going to the far east and staying in 5 (or higher) hotels, going skiing in posh chalets and being able to ski as much as you like, without worrying about childcare options. (of course there are ways to do this with children, but hte costs are very very high, we priced up a 5 hotel in Turkey in school holidays for 1 week next year for 2 adults, 1 5 year old and 1 toddler, it'll be around £5k)

-Got married, spending approx £20k all in on our wedding and honeymoon. Only £4k of that was gifts from family, the rest we just had the money so we thought, why not? -saved up/paid down mortgage - this is the biggy, you're earning good money now, but if you could say, cope without your wage once you have DCs, even if just for a matleave year, then delay for a year or two and put all of your wage on overpaying your mortgage or save it. You will never have that luxuary again.

Basically, the stage of your life when you have some money and no responsibilities is now or when you are 50+. Who knows what health issues will be thrown your way when you're 50+, so why not make the most of life now for a couple of years? Either big spending, or big saving, but why not just enjoy being able to say "yes, I will have the £2k wedding dress."

My friends are all a mixed bag when it comes to having babies. Some had them in their early twenties, some mid 30's, some had them as teenagers.

They're all doing just fine and are happy with their babies. As long as you're not a teen or still in school you won't have too hard of a time with a baby. My friend that had a baby as a teen had to delay college for a bit because she had her baby in high school. But she's doing fine now.

As for your friends, it's pretty normal to lose some friends and make new ones when you become a mother. I have a friend that I barely knew, but when we go pregnant at the same time we became baby buddies and compared scans, baby photos, and mile stones. We're good friends now.

So you'll make new friends. You lose old friends. That's what happens when any life changing event happens. :)

oh and I would look carefully at the legal side of marriage and the rights and responsibilies it gives you before starting a family.

Unless you have strong moral objections to the concept of marriage, then do it, if you don't want the 'big day' then a small registery office do would be fine. But if you are going to plan children, you should plan for all evenutalities and being married before TTC sensible.

I had my second at 23. I was fed up of going out three nights a week by 18 because I started clubbing at 15.
I do wish I'd spent more time just DH and I, enjoying being a couple. I wish we'd taken more time to appreciate not being responsible for anyone but ourselves.
We had our two youngest when I was 30 and 31, I have a lot more support from my peers as they are all doing the same thing. My old friends ditched me when I had DD our lives were just so very different.

It was way too young for me but if you are settled, have thought about it and you both want it - then no it's not too young. Sometimes I'm a wee bit jealous I didn't do it a bit earlier just so I could have more good years with my children (and any GC that might come along).

you've outgrown swilling booze as fun and now have a life.

you have a partner, a home and (presumably) have worked out all the finances.

and most importantly, you WANT a child and are prepared for all the changes and sacrifices that involves for the next 18 years.

if all these apply - go for it!

Have you thought about the career implications in detail? More experience gives you many more options and you do need every ounce of flexibility once you have dc. If you plan to work pt, are you prepared to take the career hit that brings? And you ought to be married if considering any sah periods. Are you sure you and dh both understand the financial implications in detail and can budget around it?

Ultimately you have to be confident about your choice and who cares what others think?

Bear in mind that if all your friends are far away from having babies, it puts you at a different 'life stage' as them. It might not be an issue for you now, but could become one later. I had my DD at 18, all my friends were out partying while I was at home. Not an issue. Now, DD is getting to teenage, I am finally getting to a stage with a bit more freedom, where meals out, or pubs and clubs can start happening again a bit more regularly, but my friends are settling down, lots are ust married or having their first babies.

The one thing I regret from it all is being out of sync with others, I had no-one to share the baby stage with, people don't want to hear pre-teen hormonal issues when they've got a teething baby. I can think about popping out for an unscheduled drink in the next few years, without it being an issue, while they will be home to relieve their partner/childcare. It's not something that seemed a big issue at the time, but as a single woman coming up to 30, I'm feeling it now.

Yanbu
I'd had all 3 dc by the time I was your age.

If you feel ready and financially able then do it. Take no notice of other people's opinions.

I was 26 when I had DD and people said this to me...there is no 'right' time to have a baby. If you are in a stable relationship, you can provide for a baby and you have made the decision with your DP that you are ready then it's nobody else's business! There are advantages to having children young, and of course to having them older, but it's what you think that matters not what your friends think. Good luck!

Lol@too young.
Im 22 with 3dc
Eldest is4 then 1 and 13days old baby.

1st 2 were planned.

do what feels right for you

I was 21 when I got married and 22 when we had dd1, she was planned. We were already buying a house.

I don't regret my decision to get married and have children young.

I am now 37, dd's are almost 15 and 12.

SIL had her first 2 in her very early 20s and her other 2 in her 30s. She had more energy and dealt with sleepless nights better. She however feels she has been a better parent to her last 2 as she was more mature, more experienced in life and more stable.

I had my 3 in my 30s once we were stable financially (we both have PhDs and it took us a while to buy a house) and our careers were well established (I still work fill time, but I have a job I love and that is fulfilling). I love my kids but I find them very demanding, physically and emotionally.

There is no right or wrong time to have your kids, as long as you are financially and emotionally stable. But having a child/children is a lifelong commitment and there is no going back. If you are a little bit unsure, why not give yourself 6 months to think about it? Good luck!

I had my first at 23, next at 29 and my last at 34. I'd done the nightclubbing thing early, me and DH had travelled a lot together, had some mind blowing experiences and I was the first of my group to have a baby.
I don't think it's too young, if you're both ready and are secure then go for it, friendship dynamics change all the time, I kept many old friendships and made some great new ones. Some dropped by the wayside but it happens.
Like other posters I know older women who were considered to be 'elderly' first time Mums in their mid 20's, now it's considered quite young!

Yanbu. You sound like you're in very much the same position I was when I had a baby, and it was the right time for me, I was ready. As it happens I was in that position at 32 rather than 23, but that's not really the point. As you say, the stage you have reached in terms of your relationship, finances, and mental readiness to give up your old life (at least for a bit!) are much more important than your age. You sound very mature OP, I wish you well.

I had my first at your age. Personally i would put it off fir 5-10 years.

I agree with some of the others though that you'll be out of sync with your friends so it will probably be important for you to try to meet "mum friends" ie people having babies who live near you, as otherwise you could be pretty lonely.

I thought you were going to say you were in your teens (which I'm not dissing btw) I think your life circumstances prove your not too young.

At your age a lot of friends will still be "young" if that makes sense.

It took a long time for people I knew then to catch up and in fact I lost some on the way due to me being too old or them being too young (mindset not age) for us to stay friends.

If you feel ready. Are in a strong healthy long term relationship and have the money to not worry go for it

There is never a right time really but from your post you've already jumped some of the big hurdles for reasons not to!

I was too young at your age, I wasn't ready until I was 30. Just because I was and your friends are too young doesn't mean you are. It is your life and your family. You sound like you have thought about it carefully and can provide financially for your family. Go for it!

Do what makes you happy. It's not just about going out and getting drunk. It's freedom, freedom to travel, to go out to gigs, festivals, go for dinner, theatre, play sport, travel, be spontaneous, sleep in, buy nice clothes, spend quality time with your DH - whatever it is that makes you tick! If after careful consideration you still want a baby then go for it, for some people that is 100% the right decision, but don't think being child free is just about going out and getting drunk. You only have your youth once!