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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I am not too young to have a baby?

82 replies

FlyingHamster · 01/09/2014 10:16

I don't think I am but a few comments from friends have made me start doubting myself a little bit.

A bit of background - I am 23 and me and my partner have been talking about how we would like to start trying for a baby soon. I have worked since I was 16 and am now earning a good wage, my partner also works and earns a good wage. We also have our own house now. It's not like we're struggling with money or struggling to feed ourselves so we can afford to bring a baby into the mix.

However the reaction from friends has been surprisingly negative. They are mostly the same age as me but they seem to be under the impression that I'm too young and that I will be throwing my life away if I do this. They have been telling me that at my age I "should" be out having fun, going out to nightclubs and getting drunk and going places.

Except I have already done all of those things and quite frankly I'm getting bored of some of those things. I did party a lot in my mid to late teens and was out clubbing every weekend back then. I enjoyed it then however over the last couple of years I've gotten bored of it and now only go out drinking once a month if that. I'm happy with that however I have people who think I am turning "old" and "boring" too soon but that's a whole other thread.

I have also been to various places and whilst I want to travel some more one day I don't think starting a family now will mean that can't ever happen.

So now I'm worried that a lot of people will be thinking I'm too young except they won't want to say it out loud. Even though I shouldn't really care what other people think .

OP posts:

PixieofCatan · 01/09/2014 11:00

You are not too young, how ridiculous of your friends. I hate the idea that you should be out partying all of the time, I'm not a parent but I do get the whole "You should be out having FUN!" bollocks quite often from family. I'm 25. Going out getting wasted and spending half of your money on it is not my idea of "fun". Staying home with a board game and my knitting works better for me :)

I always wanted to start a family in my early twenties but circumstances meant that I couldn't, I don't think that it's that young to have a child tbh. I'll be 27 by the time we start trying and feel a bit sad about that in some ways!

notinagreatplace · 01/09/2014 11:00

I find it a bit weird that you've talked about it with friends, to be honest. I don't know anyone who discussed their decision on whether or not to TTC with friends. I feel like it's something that's between you and your partner. Not least because, even at your age, it's not guaranteed that it'll happen quickly or at all.

TalcumPowder · 01/09/2014 11:01

MrsJayy, I do think that the OP could (not necessarily accurately - I'm not psychic, and can only read what she's written)be read as suggesting slight boredom. I'm not being in the least condescending. The OP has got herself into what sounds like an enviably stable position at a young age through what sounds like hard work and common sense.

There are references in her OP to what other people feel she should be doing at 23 - drinking, clubbing etc - and she says herself she's no longer interested in them, having been a party animal from her mid-teens. What she doesn't say is what stuff in her life she is actually enjoying instead, now that she's no longer interested in the other stuff. There's a possibility she's thinking 'What next?' All I'm saying is that she could think about other possibilities, as well as a child.

OP, some notions of when you 'should' have a baby are very much based around a template of a person being in full-time education much longer, and therefore postponing their start in the job market and financial independence. You are far more established and financially well set up at 23 than some people in their 30s, because you started work earlier. All I would say is what I would say to any woman considering a child - are you in a good position now to return to work after having a child, unless you plan to be a SAHM?

Squitten · 01/09/2014 11:01

I had DC1 at 25, which was very young in our social circle and we were the only ones with a kid for a few years. Now I'm 31 with our third (and last!) baby and most of our friends are just starting their families.

We were like you - settled and solvent and it made sense to get on with it. We got married when I was 24 and I fell pregnant straight after.

Have you considered the issues around security for yourselves when you have children, i.e. marriage and/or wills etc? Probably a good idea to do all that before a baby arrives

happyyonisleepyyoni · 01/09/2014 11:04

You sound like you've got your head screwed on OP. I had my first at 26, we were the first of our friend group from Uni to have kids, and also the first to marry, at 23. We'd got bored of the partying lifestyle as well. You never know whats round the corner, sadly we lost my dad and mother in law when the kids were young and I'm glad they had the chance to know their grandkids.

stargirl1701 · 01/09/2014 11:04

No but you should consider the legal side first. Marriage (not necessarily a wedding) and wills, etc.

blondiebonce · 01/09/2014 11:08

I'm 22, my partner is 25 and we have a newborn. She was a wonderful surprise pregnancy and yes, initially we got comments and opinions but we were happy and able to support and love her without anyone's help so what did it matter? By the time she was born everyone was thrilled for us and couldn't wait to meet her.
Yes, it's a big life change but your life isn't worse/over/ruined...it's just different. Sure, the sleepless nights and not having as much time for yourself is strange to adjust to at first but that would be the case if you were 23 or 33 etc.
I'm so proud to be my DDs mummy and the feeling of love and responsibility though sometimes daunting, is worth it and I wouldn't trade my life for when i spent all my wages on clothes and nights out and slept for Britain. I plan on going to university a bit later than my friends but these days that's not unusual.

Do what feels best for you. As many people say, there's never a right time to have a baby just because if you waited for everything to be perfect, you'd never get round to it.

GillyMac14 · 01/09/2014 11:09

I'm 21 with a 5 week DS and like you I'm quite happy to don the Jammie's and cuddle up with baby and a good film on a Saturday night!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 01/09/2014 11:13

I had my first when I was 21. I love her, I don't regret her for a second (she wasn't planned). I don't regret DS either who was born just before I turned 25. But I wish I had been older. at least late 20's like I am now before having my first. I wish I had done more with my life before I had them. not falling out of nightclubs drunk more, but travelled, worked, met different people. Stuff you just can't do as easily or readily when you have children.

But that's me. and you are you. Your friends can think any way that they want it's up to them, you live your life how you want to, they don't get a say, just like you don't get to choose what they do.

tittifilarious · 01/09/2014 11:14

You're not too young, but worrying about what your friends think doesn't seem that mature.

Branleuse · 01/09/2014 11:17

what on earth has it got to do with your friends???

Rosebug258 · 01/09/2014 11:17

I had my 1st at 27 second at 29 in the area I live in I am considered an older mum, work that one out as the average age is in the 30's now.

Most of the people I know had children early to mid twenties.

Entirely up to you when you have a baby ignore other people

cherrybombxo · 01/09/2014 11:39

I don't understand why people are so shocked that the OP is concerned about her friends being wary. I think it's perfectly natural to worry about your friends dropping you the second you have a kid! Obviously you'll meet new people through your baby but it's not nice to think that your close friends would no longer want to see you because you can no longer go out and party with them all the time.

ReallyTired · 01/09/2014 11:47

I think that 23 is a great age to have a baby. It also has to be remembered that the OP will probably be 24 or even 25 when the baby is actually born as there might be a couple of cycles before the baby is concieved and it takes nine months of pregnancy to make a baby.

People in their twenties stand a better chance of having a good pregnancy and a good childbirth experience. The chance of having a disabled child is less if you have a baby in your twenties. If you have your children young then you have more time to build a career later.

RiverTam · 01/09/2014 11:49

yes, odd that people seem so surprised about that, you have to be very confident indeed to merrily go against the tide without a backwards glance (I couldn't at that age). If the OP is the only one of her friendship group at have a baby at this age (and for a number of years too) and her friends are all a bit about it, they may well start dropping by the wayside.

Not a reason not to do something, of course, but not unreasonable to be concerned or ask for other people's opinions.

Marmiteandjamislush · 01/09/2014 11:49

Would've been way too young for me. However, if it isn't for you, go for it. Out of interest though, how long have you and DP been together?

HesterShaw · 01/09/2014 11:51

Interesting isn't it? People tell you you're too young at 23, and too old at 35, when actually it's nothing to do with them.

If you actually want to organise your fertility i.e. plan a family, if you're ready for it now, do it now, rather than waiting until 34 and then finding you have problems. That was the mistake I made, though actually I was a stupid young thing at 23. You're at your most fertile now.

17leftfeet · 01/09/2014 11:53

I had my first at 23, my second at 25

My 40s will be when I do my travelling when I feel I will be in a much better position to appreciate it

Ham69 · 01/09/2014 11:54

I think your friends are worried that they'll lose you if you have a baby, and in a way they are right, especially the first few years! It may happen straight away, it may take years so if you both really feel ready, go for it I say. Don't underestimate how life changing it will be though!

Luxaroma · 01/09/2014 11:54

I think 23 is too young for many people. When I look back I didn't reach maturity till 26 years old and even then I still didn't wish to be tied down to family life. At 23 I was party central and I suppose that might be where your friends are coming from. I'll be encouraging my dcs to delay starting a family till their 30s but there are always exceptions and if you are sure you've done all you wanted to with being "young and free" then you have nothing to worry about.

sunflower49 · 01/09/2014 11:56

You sound as if you're ready, have considered carefully, and want to have a baby so have one!
Are your friend's doubts giving YOU doubts?

I agree some of them may distance themselves, but having a baby doesn't mean your life is over they may be bothered about losing you to a sea of nappies... Friendship is important and they may be seeking reassurance that you will still see them?

My closest friend had a baby aged 20 and whilst it isn't the choice I would have made, I wouldn't have dreamt of being negative about it!

What I did do was made sure I fit around her, if I wanted to see her I knew it was not going to be the frequent clubbing, more likely a coffee round at hers. Friends should support one another's choices unless they;re dangerous or stupid.

Societial pressure to wait until you're sorted financially and career-wise doesn't apply to your situation.

hashtagwhatever · 01/09/2014 11:57

I had four dc by your age. I have never felt as though I missed out on anything. A stable relationship is the main priority imo.

Ludways · 01/09/2014 11:59

My mam was 23 when she had me, her second, she'd had her first at 17. She's s brilliant mother, I adore the bones of her and so does my sister. If I'm half the mother she is, I consider my kids lucky!

I, on the other hand, didn't become a mum till I was 34. We each did what suited us best. Go for it, if that's what you both want.

ouryve · 01/09/2014 12:01

Do what you want to do. I had kids in mid 30s. My sister had hers in early 20s. She's now in her mid 30s and by the time she's my age, her kids will be your age and she won't have her life restricted by them in terms of big holidays, going out etc. Mine are still in primary school and won't be grown up until I'm well into my 50s.

If you're healthy, financially stable and mentally ready, 23 is not that young.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 01/09/2014 12:05

People manage (and thrive) with babies they've had at a fair bit younger than 23. The fact that your baby will be planned and all your finances, living arrangements etc are considered and sorted, is even better. Can't see any issues :)

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