To have told DD her gorgeous looks are luck rather than her doing.

[MammaTJ]

She has just turned 9 and has been calling her DB ugly, which he is not. He does have an unusual look due to his ptosis, which means he has a droopy eyelid. This effects his three D vision, he cannot judge distances. Big implications in the life of someone who wants to be a superhero policeman.

He may look a bit odd, but the last person who should be saying this is his big sis!

She has also made comments about my fatness (again true but unkind) and her Dads big nose (true but mean).

She was making comments looking at DD1's wedding pic and I had to tell her again. She is upset, but it has to stop.

I said 'You are beautiful, but its more by taking after your Mummy and Daddy and by luck or anything you have done.'

She does look like me in a lot of ways and has her dads gorgeous eyes but she has other things going for her and doesn't need to rely on her looks but she also does not need to be judgmental about the looks of others.

YANBU.

Criticising people or teasing them about something that is none of their doing is a bad habit to get into.

YANBU and are handling it very well.

She needs to learn about being kind and thinking about others feelings, whether that's in relation to looks, intelligence, anything really. It's not just about looks being down to luck, if she did well at something through hard work it still wouldn't be nice to poke fun of those who haven't done as well.

Lots of different issues there. Does she think she is beautiful?

She can be as gorgeous as anything, but making unkind comments about other people isn't going to help her out in life. Bullying isn't acceptable. I think you've said the right thing.

Beauty is very much in the eye of the beholder. A two-dimensional image that is symmetrical really doesn't compare to the animation of a person. What one person thinks of as beautiful doesn't mean that somebody else will.

I think you're definitely doing the right thing nipping this in the bud otherwise she will be very unhappy when less kind and compassionate people pull her up on her rudeness. Correctable at 9 and hopefully without upset to her.

It's hard to know what to say isn't it?

But I'm not sure I would have commented on her looks at all because they are irrelevant in this situation.

What is relevant, is her unkindness to other people who she deems unattractive.

Thank you Trills, it seems harsh but true at the moment.

She is just not getting it.

I just tried 'How would you feel is someone else said that to your little brother?' and she shrugged. I know she would be super defensive if someone else was horrible to him!

How would she feel if someone said something unkind to her about her looks?

That might be a question to ask her?

But where has she learned to take such notice of physical attributes? Do you allow her to watch reality TV? X Factor? Do you discuss looks a lot around her?

She passed her RED belt in karate this week and her little brother didn't. She was amazing. She was stroking his shoulder and reassuring him before we even really knew what has happened. She can be so kind. She made it OK for DS. She is actually generally the kindest person I know, first to rush to those upset. She wants to be a paramedic. I am signing her up for St. Johns Ambulance.

The fact that she is confident in her looks is fine, but making fun of others, even those closest to her, which is all it has been, is not OK!

Mrs because of my DS's slightly odd looks, it is not something I take as priority. I am probably more sensitive than most around this issue.

That's why I wouldn't have brought her looks into it when you tried to explain how she was making you all feel.

If she was ugly, the things she said to her brother, her dad and you wouldn't have been any less hurtful IYSWIM?

Worra, I have and am met with a slightly arrogant 'Well, what could they say'.

She is not shy or under confident!

Right, so ignoring her gorgeousness, I should say 'You are being unkind, that is not nice'. Sounds good Worra. Will try that in the morning.

When you told her she was beautiful but it was more to do with luck than anything she'd actually done, was it in response to her talking about her own looks and how much more beautiful she is than any of you? It just seems odd that you even mentioned her appearance in the context of reprimanding her for unkindness. I think I would just have told her not to be unkind without mentioning her looks, because they're not important in that context.
In any case, as a PP said, it's all subjective - you think she's gorgeous, but not everybody will agree.

I guess you just have to hammer home the message that beauty means very different things to different people, that it's not the thing that counts more than personality, intelligence, or integrity.

Looks are a very subjective issue and should be of minimal importance in life.

It might be worth a shot so that she doesn't connect being 'beautiful', as giving her the right to say unkind things.

Plus she will soon learn that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that just because someone doesn't tell her she's got big ears/a weird chin/whatever, it doesn't mean they're not thinking it.

I'm sure she hasn't btw, but you get what I mean

She starts Middle School in a few days a notorious jungle! She will be the youngest again. That hurts!! I know she will struggle as she has undiagnosed ADHD. (not part of the OP, so not a drip feed)

Have the school been supportive? Have you managed to speak to them about the suspected ADHD? Are you seeking a DX? Sorry you're worried about it all Mama.x

Agree with the others, her looks have absolutely nothing to do with it, you shouldn't even mention it. It sounds very much to me like you were trying to subtly put her down by saying "yeah you're beautiful but that has nothing to do with you." You should never mention her looks at all really, apart from to compliment her now and again - drawing attention to a child's appearance (especially a girl, who will experience a lot of looks-related pressure) in a negative way is never advisable.
That said, she's 9 and that sort of unkind behaviour is pretty typical for that age. I'd reprimand her, but gently, and explain about how being kind is so important. Don't make too big a thing of it, part of it is feeling out what's acceptable and trying out reactions etc. Be clear that it's not on, but don't overdo it and remember to compliment her lovely kind behaviour too.

Get her to read Roald Dahl's The Twits. There's some good stuff in there for kids about being beautiful on the inside.

Have you tried Handsome Is As Handsome Does?

Well done on nipping it in the bud - no one likes the rude child.

No you weren't B.U at all. No-one should take credits for their perfect looks at all, because it isn't her doing that she is beautiful. Just as it is not the fault of someone who is unattractive, so no should be praised of criticsized for their looks.