To have told DD her gorgeous looks are luck rather than her doing.

[MammaTJ]

She has just turned 9 and has been calling her DB ugly, which he is not. He does have an unusual look due to his ptosis, which means he has a droopy eyelid. This effects his three D vision, he cannot judge distances. Big implications in the life of someone who wants to be a superhero policeman.

He may look a bit odd, but the last person who should be saying this is his big sis!

She has also made comments about my fatness (again true but unkind) and her Dads big nose (true but mean).

She was making comments looking at DD1's wedding pic and I had to tell her again. She is upset, but it has to stop.

I said 'You are beautiful, but its more by taking after your Mummy and Daddy and by luck or anything you have done.'

She does look like me in a lot of ways and has her dads gorgeous eyes but she has other things going for her and doesn't need to rely on her looks but she also does not need to be judgmental about the looks of others.

It's difficult as no matter what messages come from home, she's got a whole society telling her she's better than over people if she's beautiful.

I would agree dealing with the unkindness as separate from her own looks is a good way to approach it, and coming down very hard on her each and very time she's cruel in that way.

I was about to say the same as CarmineRose. When this issue comes up with the younger years at school, I refer them to the opening pages of The Twits: if you are beautiful on the inside, that will always shine through, no matter your chin/teeth/size, etc. If you are ugly on the inside, that will also be apparent to other people, no matter your attractiveness.

I think, rather than trying to be deliberately unkind, she could be misjudging things, putting accuracy over kindness.

He has big ears. (True.)
But he must already know that. (So why mention it. It's unkind and actually, irrelevant.)

I was a bit like this as a child. It didn't connect for me that mentioning someone's looks was unnecessary, potentially unkind and could cause upset.

Could you link her upset about being told off to how people would feel if she points out something about themselves?

All the things she has said sound fairly factual, she may just not perceive there's a massive issue with telling the truth about people's physical appearance. I agree with everyone who has said she might need some help reflecting on how personal remarks feel- this weekend, some not very polite child went up to my 10 year old who is extremely self-conscious and remarked 'you've got rabbit's teeth' which may be true but was very hurtful for her to have a stranger point out.

Having said that, I think sibling teasing about looks is fairly standard stuff. My brother also had the hereditary rabbit's teeth and I used to chant 'Bugs Bunny' until he hit me, he then used to tease me about my 'blobby lips'. However if your son has a slight issue with his eye, you need to take the position she needs to be his number one defender and that will switch things around.

Actually, I've just read your OP again, I wouldn't be tolerating the word 'ugly' in my house. It really is 'handsome is as handsome does'.

Hmm.. If she has ADHD are you sure she's not just blurting out whatever pops into her brain without thinking about the consequences? I have ADHD and I didn't learn to keep thoughts in my brain ever until I was an adult. I'd just tell her that looks are off limits in conversation unless it's a compliment. Kids don't understand the subtleties of social skills, kids with LD's understand them even less.

That aside, growing up with her brother, she may not understand the implications of calling him ugly. He may seem normal to her and she's just being mean for the sake of it. Had a cousin with a speech problem (and severe LD), but at the time it was just how he was, I didn't understand he had and LD, and I called him stupid once because I was upset with him. I didn't understand the bigger implications of it at the time, but both parents (his and mine) cracked down pretty hard. It sounds like typical sibling bullshit, but if he has a medical condition, it's important that she understand why it's a bigger deal to call him ugly than it would be if he didn't have one.

Telling her she didn't earn her looks is a bit negative also. She does her hair, picks out of her outfits, practices basic hygiene. Trying to put her in her place like that seems a bit counter productive.

I agree with PP's, and to not mention her looks when lecturing her. Even if she were a slug, it'd still be wrong to make fun of her brother.

I think you need to have a serious word with her about how real beauty comes for the inside. I know its a cliche but she will only get so far on her goods looks. If she carrys on being bitchy thats what she will be judged on

Well, it seems the chat we had did some good, as I have noticed her go to say something and then clamp her mouth shut, then say 'I mustn't say that'.

I think a lot of it is the impulsiveness linked to ADHD though. She is getting there.

Thanks all.