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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To change the way we think about women with multiple partners?

30 replies

fun1nthesun · 31/08/2014 15:38

Like not calling them slags or damaged goods

I would think of someone who had slept around as having low self esteem

Or perhaps abused

Then theres the double standards of men being studs and women being slags for the same behaviour.

Or women not being marriageable if they sleep around.....

Thoughts?

OP posts:

TalcumPowder · 31/08/2014 15:45

Well, I'd take issue with your judgemental assumption that a woman with a lot of sexual partners was an abuse survivor or had low self-esteem! Maybe she was having a good time, and didn't equate numbers of sexual encounters with self worth! Would you assume a man who had slept with a lot of people was an abuse survivor???

Nomama · 31/08/2014 15:46

Weirdly, being as old as I am, when I was a teen, there was little of that in my circle of friends. We all thought it was weird that the distinction still held in the enlightened 80s.

Just as my mum must have thought something similar in the 60s and all through the 70s.

Something started to happen in the 90s... prudery snuck back in.

So it isn't me and my generation... it's you young'y'uns!

squoosh · 31/08/2014 15:47

Lots of women have multiple partners simply because they enjoy sex.

Very sexist to assume they have low self esteem. Almost as sexist as calling them a 'slag' or whatever.

gatewalker · 31/08/2014 15:47

"I would think of someone who had slept around as having low self esteem"

I feel that's a particularly limiting view of a substantial group of women who have had multiple partners for just as many reasons.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 31/08/2014 15:48

What are we calling "multiple"?
More than one?

seasavage · 31/08/2014 15:48

To have multiple partners isn't necessarily 'low self esteem'. I bloody love sex. After my ex left me I massively enjoyed relationships that were solely restricted to friendly "dates" for company and/ or sex with some of them (the ones I fancied really). There were no delusions I had my girls, my family. I wasn't after complicating my home life. I didn't "need" their love / money/ support I had my network. But sex I like. I didn't want more. It was fantastic and empowering in it's own way. There was no posturing. No dating rules crap. No agonising over areas we were not compatible. They and I are still in touch friendly and able to carry on without the sex.
When I asked my husband out I also made it very clear I did want to try the whole romance, future out with him as he attracted me in that way. And I am bloody lucky. He wanted to give it a try too.

lunar1 · 31/08/2014 15:49

Maybe some of us just like sex, you know the same as some men. Its not stopped me having two loving, happy marriages.

Original poster

fun1nthesun · 31/08/2014 15:52

Oh yes sorry!

It's ok to like sex with multiple partners. I apologise for not mentioning that.

I think women get objectified if they do was the point. You can be strong, faithful sexual etc and have lots of partners!

OP posts:

ArabellaTarantella · 31/08/2014 16:13

Good luck with that, OP. Think you are swimming against the tide just a tad.

Ham69 · 31/08/2014 16:18

I'm very happy with the fact I had 'multiple partners' in my youth. Been married a longtime and I look back and chuckle at the 'slut' I was. I don't have low self esteem and I was not abused. HTH

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 31/08/2014 16:21

As PP have said it isn't necessarily anything to do with low self esteem or being abused and tbh that is just as bad as the comments some people make about a woman being a slag.

I slept around a lot in my 20s because I enjoyed no strings sex with ONS. I am now celibate but that was a decision I took 14 years ago because I didn't want physical or emotional relationships.

Suzannewithaplan · 31/08/2014 17:26

I think the double standard that you mention is mainly the preserve of the very conservative, behind the times types, or the very religious, it's certainly not my view.

DoJo · 31/08/2014 17:54

I agree that your argument falls down at the point where you are making 'excuses' for any woman who has chosen to have numerous partners. If you really think that, then you are as bad as someone calling women sluts. If 'enjoying sex' really wasn't on your radar when you wrote your OP, then I find that really surprising considering you were obviously hoping for a discussion about society's view of women as sexual beings.

WineWineWine · 31/08/2014 17:56

I think the fact that you forgot in your OP, that many women do actually enjoy sex, is the biggest reason why this attitude still remains.
So many people still see sex as something that a man does to a woman.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/08/2014 17:58

I was a massive slut before I met DP. I find it hilarious that you think that's down to low self esteem or sexual abuse though, given your thread title.

I had many, many partners because I liked having sex. I also lived in a flat with no heating for a while which meant I particularly liked having someone warm in my bed that winter!

BolshierAyraStark · 31/08/2014 17:58

What DoJo said.

As for your low self esteem/abuse theory, what utter bollocks

Suzannewithaplan · 31/08/2014 17:59

I'm getting the impression OP that English is not your first language, perhaps we are misunderstanding you?

Scarletohello · 31/08/2014 18:01

So I assume you're not talking about threesomes then, OP..? :)

Suzannewithaplan · 31/08/2014 18:01

or is it just that damnably impenetrable troll vernacular?

Lally112 · 31/08/2014 18:04

I don't know anyone who has that snobbish opinion, especially if no one was getting hurt in the process. I know plenty of 'party girls' who like me had a fucking rare time enjoying their youth, abused? no, self esteem issues? haha I doubt it, unmarriageable? ask DH - I assure you he doesn't care what my magic number was, so ling as hes top of it.

Sex is just sex, and im of the opinion that actually we should stop lording it as something of value to be saved or given away etc.

WookieCookiee · 31/08/2014 18:15

*I would think of someone who had slept around as having low self esteem

Or perhaps abused*
Well my thoughts are that these 2 thoughts of yours perpetuate the opinions you claim to want to change.

I have had lots of sex, with many different people, because..... I like it

gincamparidryvermouth · 31/08/2014 18:20

Or women not being marriageable if they sleep around...

Who thinks this?

Original poster

fun1nthesun · 31/08/2014 18:22

Sorry my first post was really disorganised. Can you tell?

What I actually meant was that given the recent events, where girls were allegedly called "chavvy slags" who therefore were not as deserving of support than other girls, shouldn't we change how we view girls and sexualitiy.

Of course its fine for consenting adults to sleep with whoever they like, without being judged.

In the case of Rotheram the very young girls were judged to be "a certain type of girl" and written off.

I do apologise for the garbled post earlier.

OP posts:

Suzannewithaplan · 31/08/2014 18:22

marriageable

what are we in 1876?? :o

gincamparidryvermouth · 31/08/2014 18:25

If you're talking about 11 year old girls then you're not talking about promiscuity, are you?

You're talking about girls who have been raped. Which is actually completely different, isn't it?

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