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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU can I still use this baby name

69 replies

ilovepombears · 31/08/2014 13:08

Right, there is a friend who I know through my DP work. We don't live close but we text call each other lots well we did not so much now. I occasionally get a lift with my DP and spend the day with her when he's at work as he commutes everyday to the area they live.
I am 8months pregnant with a girl and have been thinking about names and had put a name on facebook that I was attached too but my DP hated it. A couple of friends commented with a variation of the name that was one letter out that changed the pronoun citation of the name. Think Conner / Conna. Sorry not a great example there. The name I love was a strong boys name but I loved it for a girl. Anyway I spoke to my DP about the suggested name and he really liked it and said it was a great name. The new name is a unisex name but typically a girls name and it's very uncommon in the uk but popular in the states as it's a place name also a sports team name. Anyway I was bored on may leave and posted about thoughts of our new name on fb. I had a pm from this friend just saying please can you not use this name. No explanation nothing. I explained to her we loved the name and plan on using it and if she wanted it for her next baby if she were to have one then that's fine by me as they have the connection to the name as they both go to this place and love the team when they can afford it.
I've also chosen the middle name for bubba and it's my mums middle name that's been in our family for generations. I had a personalise blanket made and put it up on fb to show this friend we are using this name as no one owns a name, I also have my c section booked. Cue a long pm stating that my friend was pregnant last year by accident and they had named the baby very early on my fist name and middle name. The middle name of mine is her partners name but a shortened version now same as mine as it's unisex too. She had to have a termination due to problems didn't say why. No one knew about this pregnancy and the date of her termination last year is the date of my section so the anniversary of her termination. She has begged me not to use the name. I know it is a huge coincidence of the names / date but I love this name. I can understand why she doesn't want me to use it and I respect that but it's my baby's name now we can't decide on anything else. AIBU to still use it? I know the friendship will end if I do but since she found out I was pregnant we haven't really spoke.
What do you lovely lady's think?

OP posts:
Kittydragon · 31/08/2014 14:22

OP, that's what I was trying to say - this is a wonderful time for you. If you can think of another first name for your child, without the taint of this woman's sadness, it might be the best thing to do.

It is all a but coincidental though.

waithorse · 31/08/2014 15:07

I really w want to know the name and I'm rubbish at guessing. YANBU to use the name, though it may end the friendship. Amazing coincidence if she is telling the truth.

Sunna · 31/08/2014 15:19

I wouldn't use the first name but would use the second. I wouldn't want to cause her pain.

phantomnamechanger · 31/08/2014 15:40

But naming a terminated foetus

Bloody hell that's an awful way to put things!

DD3 was not just a terminated foetus, as you so charmingly put it. She was fully formed baby and almost at the stage of being viable had she been born a couple of weeks later. She was a very much wanted 3rd daughter, we just never got to enjoy her. All we have is her footprints and handprints and a card we received when she was blessed by the hospital chaplain.

Oh and guess what, we then had to endure finding out that DHs cousin called their baby the same name (thankfully NOT the same surname) just a few months later. This did not just affect us at the time (I can't tell you how much) but will forever - at every family gathering and occasion. 10 years on I can manage to speak to and about their child without getting a massive lump in my throat. It took years to get to that stage! In their shoes no matter how much I had wanted that name, I would have only used it as a middle name as a mark of respect/consideration (I can't quite find the right word but you know what I mean)

That said, how close are you? IF it was a friend you were close to you would have known her history and I am sure thought twice about using the name, however much you love it. IF this is someone you would rarely see and your children would not be growing up as part of the same close circle, then that's very different.

BitchPeas · 31/08/2014 15:52

I think she's either,

1, a very distressed woman still grieving and did name the baby your chosen first name but the same middle name and termination date is untrue and she's using it to lash out at you to make it seem worse so you definitely won't use the first name.

2, she's a bat shit crazy liar who wants your chosen first name for her next born (that she's not even pregnant with yet) like she said originally. But a part of her knows it's unreasonable so she's come up with an outrageous emotional blackmailing lie to get her own way.

And definitely stop putting your every thought on Facebook. It stops this kind of drama.

Original poster
ilovepombears · 31/08/2014 15:54

Oh phantom my heart goes out to you!

I know we can't use this name now. Well we shouldn't but I still love it.
We are going to have to re visit the baby book tonight.

We live a long way apart, we do not have mutual friends in common so don't mix in the same circles. We used to text/ phone everyday but we have not been close or in contact for most of this year.

But out of respect we shouldn't. Would like DP to suss out the situ as it seems such a conisidence for my liking.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 31/08/2014 16:02

It is certainly all a HUGE coincidence, that's for sure!

306235388 · 31/08/2014 16:03

No I absolutely wouldn't use it because I'm not entirely selfish and narcissistic.

waithorse · 31/08/2014 16:09

phantom, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks Family using the name of your lo was horribly cruel and insensitive. How incredibly difficult for you and your dh.

CommanderShepard · 31/08/2014 16:11

What's the name?

Matildasmam22 · 31/08/2014 16:18

OP me and my sister in law were pregnant around the same. I lost my little boy at 18 weeks. If we'd both had boys we would of had the same name (family name)

I picked a different name because I didn't want to "taint" that name iyswim.

As it happens she's having a girl so it wouldn't of mattered anyway.

But I would be upset if someone used that name now, irrational and unreasonably so but i would.

Maybe you should talk to your friend I think she is being unreasonable but I kind of see her reasons why.

And congratulation Flowers

SisterMoonshine · 31/08/2014 16:40

I bet your kicking yourself for putting it all on Facebook now.

Tbh it sounds like you'll be seeing less of her now anyway, if there's not been a lot of contact since you found out you're pregnant.
Both names and dates sounds a bit too coincidental to me too and I think you'll find there will be plenty of others ways you will offend her.

You won't get any medals if you make your choices around her. Do what you want to do.

merlehaggard · 31/08/2014 16:40

grocklebox I agree with you and also NovemberRain. I wouldn't use it cos friends mean more than a name.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 31/08/2014 21:53

I am desperately trying to think what this name is. Ice hockey?? Erm, Basketball?? Those are popular sports but not place names, but of a riddle there OP Grin

Mim78 · 31/08/2014 22:12

I think it would probably not use the exact name. Is there any way you can vary it a bit, or swap the names over. Maybe have more than one middle name or vary the middle name if your mum won't mind.

Jumblebee · 31/08/2014 22:31

Phantom Thanks for you, I can't believe your relatives would use the same name! I know situations differ but I think the fact they used that name is awful :(

And I agree, "a terminated foetus" is a horrible way to describe the loss of a child. Whether she was 8 weeks or 28 weeks it makes no difference to the parents. My DD was certainly a little person, from the day I saw her heartbeat on a 6 week scan. An early miscarriage may not seem like a big deal to others but to parents who have already imagined what their baby will grow up to look like and imagined holding him/her in their arms, hearing them referred to as a terminated foetus is awful Confused

Whilewildeisonmine · 31/08/2014 23:33

I think you should choose a different name.

Matildasmam22 · 31/08/2014 23:55

I don't like that term either. My 18 week "foetus" was a baby in my eyes no one can tell me different. And I simply can't imagine what someone having a medical termination goes through phantom your post made me cry Thanks

Bulbasaur · 01/09/2014 00:03

I know it is a huge coincidence of the names / date but I love this name.

My bullshit meter is going off. She had the first and middle name, as well as the date of the scan? Really?

If she's not typically like this, I'd put it to grief. Especially if it's close to an anniversary date, emotions are probably running wild.

It's probably for the best to change the name. You don't want this tainting your baby delivery and announcement.

What was the name out of curiosity?

coralanne · 01/09/2014 00:06

I guess the name is Phoenix.It''s extremely popular at the moment for either sex.

Bulbasaur · 01/09/2014 00:09

I am desperately trying to think what this name is. Ice hockey?? Erm, Basketball?? Those are popular sports but not place names, but of a riddle there OP

I'm curious too. In the US we always put the city before the team name, I wonder if that's what the OP was referring to?

You guys call your team "England", while we always call ours "England Teamname". It's not technically the team name, but where the team is from.

So example: New York Yankees. The team name is Yankees, but they are from New York.

But if there is a team that is two place names, I'm really curious to hear it! :)

Bugsylugs · 01/09/2014 00:25

Seems the reduced contact coincides with her loss? Maybe she has really struggled hence less phoning or as others have suggested - just giving benefit of doubt

Original poster
ilovepombears · 01/09/2014 10:55

UPDATE:

My DP has spoken to my friends DP at work today. He phoned me as usual on his break and told me the situ, the first name was spot on the second name was very similar but is not the same as ours, the termination date although he can't be 100% certain as he doesn't quite remember but he thinks its different, he will look in the work diary as he took leave so he can work it out. So looks like it's not the same date as my section.
Apparently this is ware this all goes from a strange situ to be in to a very sad one. Turns out my friend has not been totally honest on the very brief details she has told me.

She was pregnant, it was a accidental pregnancy however seems between my friend and her DP there was a huge misunderstanding on finding out the news. They were not planning on having anyand it's public knowledge he has never wanted any children. When she broke the news to him he comment was "oh well don't worry it's not the end of the world" he then told her he needed time to process the news and they should talk about it in a few days time. He explained to my DP he was thinking of how to tell her nothing had changed for him and he didn't want the baby. However she took his comment that he was okish with the news and they were going ahead. Within a couple of days she had nursery furnature picked out and a name a full name. He then had to sit her down and explain that he has misinterpreted his comment and he didn't want this baby. He said they argued for a long while and she had a termination at 12/13 weeks however he has said that he is not certain on this either as he didn't attend the appointments with her so he thinks she has slightly bent the truth about how far along she was. But has said she was def pregnant this wasn't a lie as he took her to the clinic. He is fuming about her telling me what she has.

I am saddened by this as I really feel for my friend. Yes she has bent the truth but its truly awful situation. I am going to call her and tell her we are not using the name. It in her mind is her baby's name and I can no way use it now. I will use my middle name as it is similar but not the same and I am going to double barel it with another name. And also pick a new first name. After the birth I will just make an announcement that the name just didn't suit the baby.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 01/09/2014 11:06

Bloody hell she sounds unhinged!
I am amazed they are still together TBH!
I feel for her, I do, having had a termination when she wanted the baby. But I also wonder, and so must her DP, whether she did not get pg deliberately in the hope he would catch her excitement and change his mind about being a parent.
And whether there might be another "accident" at some point in the future.
If she wants kids and he does not, then staying together seems strange to me.

Thanks for the Thanks folks and sorry to those who my post upset (it always tend to get to people when I tell it on here, funny how others closer to home can be so unaware!)

SanityClause · 01/09/2014 11:07

So, her partner talked her into terminating a much wanted baby? Sad

Find a different name, ilove. This is just awful!

(And when you have chosen a new name, keep it to yourself until the baby is born. It's hard enough to decide on a name both you and DP like, let alone trying to please everyone else in the world.)

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