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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not hurry up whenever DH wants me to from now on, as he usually faffs around?

42 replies

hollylicious · 30/08/2014 23:29

DH has a habit of faffing around and taking ages to do things, unless it's something he wants to do or he has decided that we need to be quick, in which case he gets impatient with me.

For example, if we are going somewhere that he isn't keen on going but that I want or need to do, he'll do things like suddenly start cleaning out the car when we are all getting in it to go out, or the DC and I will all get ready only to find he's doing some task or other that isn't urgent but that he's determined to finish before we go.

Today we went out and spent a vast majority of the day doing something that he wanted to do. When I said I thought it was time to go home,he then took ages faffing around with DS's buggy and taking ages to have a sip of water, in order to delay us going back to the car.

When it was my nan's funeral a couple of years ago we very nearly missed the start of it because DH decided with 2 minutes to go before we left to have a shave and do a couple of other non essential jobs. We were all sitting in the car waiting for him!

Yet if he wants to go somewhere or considers something urgent he will get impatient with the DC and I if we're not quick enough. It's like he faffs when it suits him and doesn't faff when it suits him too.

WIBU to stop hurrying up when he gets impatient and to faff around like he does?

OP posts:
BOFster · 30/08/2014 23:31

To be sensible about it (not the Done Thing on AIBU, I know!), you should probably just talk to him about it. But I understand your frustration.

DoJo · 30/08/2014 23:32

Assuming that you have discussed it like adults and he has acknowledge the issue and still ignores the fact that he's being a massive pain in the arse, then no, YANBU. If you haven't ever actually pointed this out to him and told him how rude, annoying and bloody inconsiderate it is, then YABU, but it might help hammer the point home if he doesn't catch on quickly...

Original poster
hollylicious · 30/08/2014 23:34

Oh yes I've tried to talk to him about it a zillion times but he doesn't get it at all

OP posts:
scarletforya · 30/08/2014 23:38

I wouldn't have that. He nearly made you late for your Nan's funeral? What a nasty piece of work. He does get it. It's passive aggressive contempt Op.

Go without him. I mean it. Don't be dependant on him. If he's not ready, don't wait for him.

AgentZigzag · 30/08/2014 23:41

Does he admit that he does it?

It's not a coincidence or just the way he is all the time, so he's choosing to do it.

It made me wonder whether he's anxious before going off to do something he doesn't want to do. I like to be on time, but the more crucial the timing is the more my OCD makes me feel as though I have to do ridiculously small jobs around the house before I go, and it's the not wanting to do it that sends my anxiety sky high. But if it was anxiety it'd go double for something he likes to do and he'd faff about even more.

If you think he has got a measure of control over it, why do you think he does it?

(if it's not an anxiety thing, I'd have trouble getting over him faffing before your Nan's funeral, he should have been making sure you were OK not pissing about watering the plants or whatever he was up to!)

tippytap · 31/08/2014 07:26

He sounds contolling to me. My ex used to do the same thing. Is he controlling in other aspects of your relationship?

Bustermqc · 31/08/2014 07:44

Just wanted to add in solidarity. My DH is like this as is his whole family. I have spent years begging him to change. It's like a mental Illness

deakymom · 31/08/2014 08:38

welcome to the club mine will also watch me and my 14 year old get ourselves and the younger two ready get drinks coats and shoes sorted then when we go to put our shoes on suddenly sling on his shoes and stand there tapping his feet huffing and puffing and moaning we are going to be late snarls us out the door and blames us if we forget the drinks we have just made and has a go if i have to buy more while we are out

its controlling behaviour

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/08/2014 08:45

I wonder how many times you driving off and leaving him will help him get the message. I take it you do drive?

I've added in a faff factor for years, I say I want to go around 15 mins before we actually have to leave and am usually early getting to places. However, I must have the OH and his daughter well trained now as just recently they have been ready early. What's that all about?

TheTertiumSquid · 31/08/2014 08:45

My DH does this to a lesser extent. I've got to the stage of getting him to decide on or work out the time we need to be ready. Otherwise I can tell he just doesn't care that much. At least once we've done that he does stick to it.
If your DH still can't be ready even after agreeing the time, I agree you should leave without him. Give him due warning that's what you're going to do. Maybe he'll stop taking the piss after that.

Chipandspuds · 31/08/2014 08:57

I agree to tell him that if he's not ready on time you'll be leaving without him!

DM takes forever in the bathroom so this morning instead of catching the 9.20 train we have to wait until 10.30...it's so annoying!

ilovesooty · 31/08/2014 08:58

If talking to him about it isn't working I doubt that mirroring his own behaviour will be effective.
Go without him.

hamptoncourt · 31/08/2014 09:03

Of course he gets it!!

He is being controlling.

Do you drive? I agree with PP that you need to be far more assertive and self sufficient and make it clear that you are leaving at such and such a time. If he faffs he looses.

ilovesooty · 31/08/2014 09:07

And if you don't drive make it clear a set time before that of he isn't ready to go a taxi will be on its way.

quietbatperson · 31/08/2014 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMaddHugger · 31/08/2014 09:38

Also have this in my family.

Leave with out him.

VivaLeBeaver · 31/08/2014 09:43

You need to stop waiting for him and drive off. I did the when it was my dads wedding. Dh was faffing, I got in the car with dd and left.

anonacfr · 31/08/2014 09:49

Another one agreeing with the driving off method.

He's acting at best like a toddler and at worst controlling. When it's something he likes he's eager to go and drags his feet to leave. When it's something he doesn't want to do he's nowhere to be seen?

Do it without him.

Mintyy · 31/08/2014 09:53

Have you discussed this with him? Do you say anything at the time? I'm not sure what you want to achieve by going deliberately slowly when he is in a hurry. It's just going to result in another row.

So speak to him about it at another time, hopefully when neither of you are harbouring resentments about anything else.

Mintyy · 31/08/2014 09:55

Oh sorry, I somehow missed your post where you said you've spoken to him about it lots of times.

anonacfr · 31/08/2014 10:14

The fact that he gets impatient with you when he wants to get somewhere is even worse.

Trapper · 31/08/2014 10:16

You are absolutely correct. This is exactly how grown ups should handle this type of situation and your reaction will ensure a long-lasting stable relationship for years to come.

Lara2 · 31/08/2014 12:18

I've been married for almost 25 years and it took about 10 years of very similar behaviour to just get in the car and drive off. If we waited for DH we'd be late for everything! My family are used to him turning up after the DS's and me - it still makes me cross though, lateness is just rude!
I once left him at a New Year's Eve party when DS1 was very tiny, my parents were babysitting and we had to get back. He faffed around, so I left, taking the car. It was a Baywatch fancy dress party and he'd left his warm shoes, coat etc in the car. He had to walk home in flip flops and shorts and it started snowing on the way. Still didn't learn..........

hamptoncourt · 31/08/2014 12:27

Some people are just late. Annoying but that's how they are.

One of my brothers is like that, but he is late for everything, even things that he wants to do.

When someone is only faffing and delaying when it is something their spouse/family want to do but they are perfectly capable of being on time when it suits them, like the posters DH, then it is controlling. And downright nasty to be honest.

Original poster
hollylicious · 31/08/2014 15:21

I always feel like he gives lip service to anything I want to do, but then passive aggressively "stalls" us from doing it, by faffing and fussing.

I agree, I am going to have to become more assertive and just start driving off when he does this. I'm not naturally a very assertive person, and I don't think DH would like it if I was to drive off, so it would probably cause arguments, but I'm getting to the stage where it's pissing me off so much I have to take action.

He really annoyed me a few days ago when we were about to go somewhere; DCs and I were in the car, and DH decided to put the wheelie bin out and then someone he knew drove past, pulled over, and DH was chatting to him for half an hour whilst DC and I sat and waited. When he got into the car and I said that we'd been waiting for him and asked why he didn't just say to the friend "Nice to see you, but I'm just off out now", he seemed to think that it was me that was being out of order and unreasonable. I should have just driven off then really shouldn't I?

OP posts:
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