To not hurry up whenever DH wants me to from now on, as he usually faffs around?

[hollylicious]

DH has a habit of faffing around and taking ages to do things, unless it's something he wants to do or he has decided that we need to be quick, in which case he gets impatient with me.

For example, if we are going somewhere that he isn't keen on going but that I want or need to do, he'll do things like suddenly start cleaning out the car when we are all getting in it to go out, or the DC and I will all get ready only to find he's doing some task or other that isn't urgent but that he's determined to finish before we go.

Today we went out and spent a vast majority of the day doing something that he wanted to do. When I said I thought it was time to go home,he then took ages faffing around with DS's buggy and taking ages to have a sip of water, in order to delay us going back to the car.

When it was my nan's funeral a couple of years ago we very nearly missed the start of it because DH decided with 2 minutes to go before we left to have a shave and do a couple of other non essential jobs. We were all sitting in the car waiting for him!

Yet if he wants to go somewhere or considers something urgent he will get impatient with the DC and I if we're not quick enough. It's like he faffs when it suits him and doesn't faff when it suits him too.

WIBU to stop hurrying up when he gets impatient and to faff around like he does?

If any arguments are caused it's not you who would be causing them holly.

Tough shit if he doesn't like it, you don't like him dictating that you'll all be late.

at you waiting in the car while he's yapping for half an hour.

You should have definitely driven off, definitely.

Cheeky twat.

I know, I felt like a total doormat afterwards!

He excused it by saying he'd have waited half an hour if I'd have wanted to chat to a friend, knowing full well that my manners and conscience would have meant that I'd have chatted for a minute or two and then got in the car.

holly I don't want to upset you, but is this issue that you have actually posted about the tip of an iceberg?

Are there times when you don't say anything knowing that he 'wouldn't like it' if you did.

How does he behave when you do things he doesn't like? Like is he a sulker, shouter or an ignorer?

Hampton, I think it is in a way, yes.

Zigzag, he's a bit of a sulker/ignorer. There are definitely times when I don't say anything as he wouldn't like it. I think that's why I'm not very assertive, as he just wouldn't like it.

As others have said, drive off without him. I would though make sure he knows that you will be doing this e.g. say "I will be leaving at 10:30, so please make sure you are in the car before then." Then leave at 10:30.

I agree with going without him but give him fair warning.

"I am leaving in ten minutes, are you coming?"
"I am leaving in five minutes"
"I am leaving now, I assume you are not coming"

and then leave. No he wont like it, but selfish passive aggressive wankers never like being called on their shit behaviour.

you will probably need to do it 2 or 3 more times before he gets it.

But I have to say, I am not sure I would be bothering, I would probably be packing his bags for him.

It is difficult when someone says something you maybe don't want to hear, but that shouldn't stop them feeling able to say it.

Him overreacting to any criticisms is definitely an effective tactic in getting you to STFU, accept him acting like a twat, and turning the responsibility for the problem onto you for telling him rather than on him for choosing to behave like that.

Because he made you/DC wait for such a long time for him to yap shows just how important he thinks he is, and how unimportant your feelings are to him. I would hate to make DH/DC wait for that long for me, even if it was for something more than just a general chat with a friend.

It's OK for you to talk to him about things you don't like, keep calm, don't raise your voice, and don't let him try and turn it round into being your fault for daring to raise it.

Whenever I try to talk to him about anything, he always, always manages to turn it round onto me and make out that I'm being a total arse and very unreasonable by daring to speak to him about it. I get accused of trying to cause an argument, so inevitably end up backing down and feeling shit. I really need to grow a backbone!

"I am not trying to cause an argument, I am telling you how I feel. If you think that my feelings dont matter then it is you that is starting the argument"

Or 'I'm not taking responsibility for your behaviour', which is one I use on DH and DD1

DD1 has actually used it herself with a lad who was trying to manipulate her into doing what he wanted.

I don't think it's good to have full on barnies in front of the DC, but it does do them good to see that you'll not take any shit when it comes to people overstepping the boundaries.

It's pretty bad that he's making you feel as though you're not entitled to a say when something's become a problem for you. You're not an disobedient child answering him back when you bring something up.

Thanks everyone for the replies. Yes, he definitely has a total lack of ability to see anyone else's view, or to see how his behaviour may impact upon others. He thinks that he is always right.

'He thinks that he is always right.'

I really can't stand that in a person, and as I have a couple of close family members who are exactly like that, the fact that DH isn't is something I really value (he'll also back down and apologise if he was being an arse it took me a while to get used to )

Along with thinking they're always right and trying to turn it round onto you, they've also got a tendency to try to discredit the things you say/opinions (eg by questioning your mental health), getting nasty when you agree with them, and playing the 'long game' (eg sulking over days, even weeks) to ensure they win the point.

The effort I've seen people go to try and avoid losing face and admit they're wrong is outrageous!

The effort I've seen people go to try and avoid losing face and admit they're wrong is outrageous!

It would be quite funny if it wasnt so sad! My SIL hasnt spoken to me in 7 years because she was shown to be wrong about something utterly inconsequential that everyone else would have long forgotten about if she hadnt kept on about it to them! Do I care? No. Does she look like a dick? Oh my dear yes, indeed she does!

Hmmm... My dh can be a bit like this so it's interesting reading. Not always but there have been some vivid examples. He also does it "both ends" as you describe, ie being determined to leave on time if he thinks it's important, doing non essential tasks if it's something I want to do AND making a point of leaving swiftly if he wants to go but hanging on to stay somewhere if he is enjoying self.

We haven't been late for anything like a funeral because of him, or a wedding or similar, just social arrangements I would rather not be late for.

I have been thinking of pursuing tactics as advised above so may give them a try.

Ps I have known for years that he was being controlling and doing it to see if he could make me lose my temper (I.e. When he is stalling) but have always just tried to get everyone there by hook or by crook rather than doing the simple thing and leaving him behind.