To think we should have been invited??

[Pigallina]

Ok. I've been stewing about this all day yesterday so this may turn into a rant! I'm quite upset and pissed off so I may need a bit of perspective here. My so called close friend hasn't invited myself and my child to her child's first birthday party. How tragic am I?! Background : went through school together, inseparable, went to different uni's in the same city, each other's maid of honour, have always had different circles of friends but have always remained quite close. Or so I thought. But anyway, she's started being really crap at replying to texts/calls, we live a good hours drive away from each other, always have, which she always mentions/has a dig about if she comes to mine, (which has only been about 4 times in the last 4 years) so we always plan to meet up in the city which is half way for both of us, but has never happened as something always "crops up". She's back to work part time now and has always said "we can meet in town on Wednesdays as that's my day off", it's never happened. I'm in town every Wednesday for swimming now, so last Wednesday night texted to let her know for this week to see if she was free etc, no reply all week. While in town I remembered it was her child's birthday this week so bought her a present, and I remembered a conversation we had the last time I was at hers about her going to have a small birthday party, which I just assumed that me and my wee boy would be invited to. Seeing as I hadn't heard from her all week I texted her just before leaving town for home to say we'd need to arrange for getting my present to her and got a reply basically saying "I'm in town now let's have a coffee". I just thought "you bitch" you knew I was in town, why not reply until now when you know I'm leaving for home? Car was all packed up from a major shopping spree, car park ticket paid etc, baby asleep, told her so and just said we'll just need to make it another time. On the way home I made a mental note to check the post box before I went up the drive to see if there was an invite, nothing. Asked husband if there had been anything earlier in the week but no. So I thought maybe not having the party after all. But deep down I knew we just hadn't been invited for some reason. So yesterday, sent a happy birthday text, asking if she got my card and if she got the day off work to do something special and was a bit naughty and said I could meet her today (party day) to hand over the gift, just to see what she'd say. Didn't get much of a reply, just what they'd been up to so again thought - maybe not happening. Then I saw a couple of comments on Facebook when I was doing my usual flick through before bed along the lines of "my kid can't wait for the party tomorrow". Felt vey fucked off at being left out. And lied to. So today I'm just furious and realising what a shitty friend she has actually turned out to be, husband thinks so too and has said so for a few years now. Anyway, should I be this pissed off? I'm just not understanding why we've not been invited? Or even a "we're just having family" (even though that would only be one set of grandparents and 2 cousins and their parents) I'm quite an understanding person. But, I feel like telling her to just fuck off if she ever does contact me again because I just KNOW that there will be certain (childless) people invited so why not me and my boy? Really quite angry at being left out of something yet again, but am I being unreasonable to think I should be there? I've done so much for her and been a true friend to her over the years. I'm just thinking that people just don't actually care about anyone or anything apart from their own little lives anymore! And I see I've written a novel, I do apologise!

Sounds like she isn't really that bothered about the friendship, tbh.

People do grow apart. And sometimes if it's a hassle getting together, you realise who is a real friend and who has been a friend due to convenience, iyswim. (shared situation, close distance wise, etc) When someone can only see the practicalities of getting together as a pain in the arse, you have to ask yourself how much value they place on the friendship.

You're an hour away, obviously that's too much faff for her and she prefers friends who are located closer to her.

You still see her as a close friend, but maybe she now sees you as a person she went to school with, who she keeps in touch with when it's convenient.

It's horrible when you're the one who's more bothered about the friendship than the other person. Really hurtful. But perhaps it's time to pull back and see if she sees the friendship as something worth continuing.

YABU

Sounds like you haven't been close for a while.

Maybe she's just not that into you anymore. Time to let it go, instead of forcing the friendship to stay alive.

This is about so much more than just the birthday party; it's the final straw that has opened your eyes to the demise of a once-cherished friendship. Of course you're angry and upset.
She sounds like a crap friend and has treated you carelessly. I wouldn't waste any more energy on her if I were you.
Hugs x

You need to draw a line under this and move on.

People change, and it sounds as though you so called friend, for whatever reason, doesn't view you in the same way you view her.

I think for your own sanity, you should think about her as a friend from the past, but not for the present.

Don't look on her Facebook, make new friends, build your self confidence.

YABU. You need to move on. I had friends I was close to (note past tense) but I'm not any more. Wouldn't dream of inviting their kids to a party we were having. Kids don't know each other for a start.

You sound way over invested in this and your husband too. Do you always take offence so easily?

How old is your ds? Are the children 'friends'? It doesn't sound like your close enough in terms of friendship to be invited to a 1 year olds small party an hour drives away.

Tbh it doesn't matter how long you've been friends for

This is her child's birthday party not hers
Her one year old doesn't have a close relationship with you or your son
She's probably invited people she sees all the time - new antenatal friends I'd bet

How do you know other childless people will be invited?

Most of the first birthday parties I knew of when mine were little were for family only or for the ante natal club babies.

It's probably just a case of growing apart. Does her ds know you and your dc?

Sorry but I don' t think she wants to be friends with you anymore.

I don't understand why you thought she was a bitch for texting you back to say let's meet for a coffee when you were leaving town when you didn't text her until you were leaving town.

I agree it sounds like she doesn't want to be friends anymore and is going about it in a shitty way. Personally I think you've made more than enough effort to salvage the friendship. If she wants to reach out and pull her weight in the future then consider it but I wouldn't keep putting myself out there to be hurt by her.

I know your hurt but I think she has been distancing for quite a while and you haven't picked up on it. I don't think she's that into the friendship tbh, I would leave it and move on now. Stop investing in this "friendship" it's very one sided, your dh is right.

How do you feel in yourself op?

I only ask because when I'm feeling low I tend to over analyse everything & obsess about stuff instead of just letting it go
For example if I text a friend & they take a couple of days to reply usually it doesn't bother me but when I'm down I worry I've offended them in some way

If it helps delete her from facebook that way you won't be tempted to look on her profile etc

Have you grown apart? My friend who considered to be one of my best friends dumped me about three years ago I don't know why ,we had known each other over twenty years had loads in common but she started making excuses why she couldn't meet up the last straw was at the beginning of the summer holidays three years ago she said she couldn't possibly meet up as she had planned something for every day!I stopped phoning her then and she phoned me ,she does sometimes see my sister In passing they live near each other and says we should all meet up ,I have refused I don't see the point!,

As people's life circumstances change friendships can wax and wane. A 1 year old's birthday party is going to be a couple of hours probably and you live an hour apart now.

Maybe she's moved on, or maybe your lives don't seg into each other's so well now but might again some time in the future.

But if it's making you unhappy maybe just stop getting in touch.

She never phoned me!

Thanks for the varied replies. I did take a very big step back from the friendship a few years ago because of her crappy behaviour. I'm just always of the attitude of "she knows where I am, if she ever wants to catch up, that's fine", I'm pretty laid back and not really a "forcing friendship" type of person. But she's always the one saying "oh we must meet up, not seen you for ages, we must must meet up!" and when we do it's great fun, so if she doesn't want to be friends why does she always say this? It's just confusing and draining behaviour!

Yes our babies "know" each other, as much as you can at 1 year and 5 and a half months! They've met quite a few times, usually at hers.

woowoo I thought she was a bit of a bitch as I texted her a WEEK before with when I'd be in town and what times etc and had no reply all week. I texted her in my car before setting off as I'd just bought the birthday gift, so was kind of a "I can't believe you're baby is going to be 1, must get present to you" type text. And before anyone says "maybe didn't get the text" she's one of these people ( we all know them!) who constantly checks her phone. So why should I drop everything when she contacts me last minute when she knew when I'd be on my way home and when she knew I'd been in town for hours already?

And I just know who's going to be invited because they're friends, who live close by, as vital touched upon in her post. I'm obviously too far away now, even though we've both always lived in roughly the same areas! I'm just unsure why it's all of a sudden a problem, it doesn't bother me, I've always lived out in the sticks, as has she.

I'm just pissed off, and as AlfAlf has said, it's now a bit more about not getting invited, I just feel she's lied and been quite deceitful, which is not really like her.

Sorry but you need to dump.

Sounds like you have BOTH grown apart - her approach sounds horrid, I totally sympathise - but, if your first thought on the town thing really was 'Bitch...' - then do you know, you don't really like her any more either.

Her fault, by the sound of it - but deal with this in a good way. Move on. Say nothing, don't contact her again.

I've had a similar experience, oh we must meet up when are you free... I'd reply then nothing.

A few weeks later the same and on and on.

I stopped even trying to meet, so did she and we have no contact at all now, and it's a lot less annoying.

Take the present back, get your money back and just stop making any effort.

I think we only have room for so many friends we can make time for in our lives, and sometimes you get pushed down the list so far it's not that easy to maintain a friendship.

And next time your get the:

But she's always the one saying "oh we must meet up, not seen you for ages, we must must meet up!"

• then reply 'That would be great if you can suggest a time and date that works for you.' - and forget about it.

" if your first thought on the town thing really was 'Bitch...' - then do you know, you don't really like her any more either." - Castle - never thought of that! Haha! But I have been remembering quite a few shitty things she has/hasn't done over the last few years and thinking "why the fuck have I even bothered??!!?!"

Have you seen the episode of Friends where Chandler dates Rachel's boss?

And he's not that into her and doesn't want to see her again but ends every date by saying "well this was great, we should do it again sometime".

It's just what people say when they feel awkward and someone's looking at them expectantly.

You should judge people by what they do, not what they say. She's just not that into you. Sorry.

You say she's been 'crap with answering texts and calls' and only come to see you a few times in the past four years, so she's been trying to drop the friendship fir all that time. That's the way people do it. It doesn't matter if they say 'let's meet up' and 'let's do lunch' etc

Those are the unwritten rules. Everyone pretends they're too busy to get together anymore. The hint is given, the hint is taken. No one acts offended. Etc etc.

It's a social dance. You kept pushing even though the friendship had ended. Of course she was lying and being selectively truthful about the party. You were supposed to pick up on that and back off gracefully!

If someone wants to be friends they'll make it happen. Otherwise it's all talk and falseness. Ignore it all. Forget her and move on.