To think we should have been invited??

[Pigallina]

Ok. I've been stewing about this all day yesterday so this may turn into a rant! I'm quite upset and pissed off so I may need a bit of perspective here. My so called close friend hasn't invited myself and my child to her child's first birthday party. How tragic am I?! Background : went through school together, inseparable, went to different uni's in the same city, each other's maid of honour, have always had different circles of friends but have always remained quite close. Or so I thought. But anyway, she's started being really crap at replying to texts/calls, we live a good hours drive away from each other, always have, which she always mentions/has a dig about if she comes to mine, (which has only been about 4 times in the last 4 years) so we always plan to meet up in the city which is half way for both of us, but has never happened as something always "crops up". She's back to work part time now and has always said "we can meet in town on Wednesdays as that's my day off", it's never happened. I'm in town every Wednesday for swimming now, so last Wednesday night texted to let her know for this week to see if she was free etc, no reply all week. While in town I remembered it was her child's birthday this week so bought her a present, and I remembered a conversation we had the last time I was at hers about her going to have a small birthday party, which I just assumed that me and my wee boy would be invited to. Seeing as I hadn't heard from her all week I texted her just before leaving town for home to say we'd need to arrange for getting my present to her and got a reply basically saying "I'm in town now let's have a coffee". I just thought "you bitch" you knew I was in town, why not reply until now when you know I'm leaving for home? Car was all packed up from a major shopping spree, car park ticket paid etc, baby asleep, told her so and just said we'll just need to make it another time. On the way home I made a mental note to check the post box before I went up the drive to see if there was an invite, nothing. Asked husband if there had been anything earlier in the week but no. So I thought maybe not having the party after all. But deep down I knew we just hadn't been invited for some reason. So yesterday, sent a happy birthday text, asking if she got my card and if she got the day off work to do something special and was a bit naughty and said I could meet her today (party day) to hand over the gift, just to see what she'd say. Didn't get much of a reply, just what they'd been up to so again thought - maybe not happening. Then I saw a couple of comments on Facebook when I was doing my usual flick through before bed along the lines of "my kid can't wait for the party tomorrow". Felt vey fucked off at being left out. And lied to. So today I'm just furious and realising what a shitty friend she has actually turned out to be, husband thinks so too and has said so for a few years now. Anyway, should I be this pissed off? I'm just not understanding why we've not been invited? Or even a "we're just having family" (even though that would only be one set of grandparents and 2 cousins and their parents) I'm quite an understanding person. But, I feel like telling her to just fuck off if she ever does contact me again because I just KNOW that there will be certain (childless) people invited so why not me and my boy? Really quite angry at being left out of something yet again, but am I being unreasonable to think I should be there? I've done so much for her and been a true friend to her over the years. I'm just thinking that people just don't actually care about anyone or anything apart from their own little lives anymore! And I see I've written a novel, I do apologise!

I get hounded by friends and family loads . They all want to meet far more frequently than I can or care to . It doesn't mean I don't love or value them .
Perhaps she's just really busy . Perhaps the party was small but still a big deal . My dd had her three friends and their mums . I never considered that my friends should be there .

I wouldn't tell her to fuck off at any point. I don't think she's done anything particularly bitchy or worthy of drama. She's just caught up in her own life as people are when their kids are little and time and energy is precious. You live far enough apart for it to be an effort/inconvenience meeting up, yet you still say your DC have met several times in the last five months since your little one was born, so it's not like she's been entirely useless. She just has closer friends right now and the party is for her DC, not about you and your friendship. It's nice that you bought a pressie but there can't be strings attached to that and the anticipation over an invite seems OTT to me. Enjoy your lo and your closer friends and let this one wane for now. ime when kids get older, people revert to their old selves a bit more and friendships can come back into play. But not if you've got into a tizz and told them to fuck off unnecessarily.

We really must get together v let's get together, which date is best for you, I'm free on the 8th
isnt it?
one is just what folks say when they really arent that bothered, to be polite. The other is what people say when they want to make an arrangement to meet.

she probably does like you, probably remembers your childhood friendship fondly, probably likes the idea that you are friends, but for whatever reason, isnt really committed to sustaining an actual friendship in the here and now.
honestly, id just reply lovely, let me know when and leave the ball in her court.

Over time I've ditched all the "we really must get together sometime" people in favour of the "see you at 8pm on the 9th" people because I'm worth more than just fitting in with them or getting their dregs when all their fabulous friends are unavailable and I'm the only one left. I am much, much happier. Arrangements are made and stuck to and I feel so much more secure and contented about my current friendship group. I still get a Christmas Card from a woman I haven't seen or spoken to for 8 years and every year it says "we must meet for lunch!". I just bin it as soon as I get it, she was a flakey bitch and I deserve more, so do you, so do we all.

Poor you OP, some blunt replies here when youre feeling a bit sad about this, eh?

Doesnt sound like a close friendship anymore and it prob feels tough as you were once so close. hope your ok. no more over thinking the issue, ok!?

Personally, i wouldn't walk away from the friendship but would keep "friendly" with her as a type of friend i'd meet up with 5-6 times a year for a day out with etc.

you're ok!

I would just ditch her, I think she says that to be polite, but really I get the impression that she does not want the friendship. I agree themoon totally.

Just delete her from facebook and enjoy your life.
I know it is very hurtful and I totally understand how you feel, but unless you stop contacting her by text, factbook etc it will just keep making you feel angry, some people are just not worth it.

I think you need to move on because sadly, friendships do change and can get outgrown over the years. It sounds as if she's already moved on but has an unfortunate habit of sending out confusing messages. All this "we must meet up soon" stuff gets very meaningless if it doesn't go further than vague expressions of interest rather than definite arrangements.

I really wouldn't be too upset about the birthday party either. Not everyone makes the hugest event out of a 1st birthday party - in our family they are very much events for the family rather than a "come all ye" for adult friends - so I doubt you've been callously excluded.

That said, she comes across as flaky and uncommitted. Not the best basis for an ongoing friendship.

I've just been out with a friend I haven't seen in months. We always say we must meet up more often. We live 1.5 miles from each other. No kids. I still consider her a friend.

Two choices, walk away or accept seeing her less often. I have quite a lot of friends that I do the "must meet up sometime" routine with, most live within an hour's drive but even those I'm close to I only see once a year or so since we all had our DCs but it seems to work fine, the shared history means we just pick up where we left off. It only works when both parties treat each similarly though.

I agree that she's just phasing you out, which is pretty shit but does happen. I recently lost a close friend of several years after I moved 50 miles away and it became a big hassle to see each other, the texts became less frequent and I realised that I actually didn't like her very much and she'd never been a very good friend to me. We got on well enough when we met up but I was convenient to her, and her attitude towards mutual friends was horrible, which made me wonder what she was saying about me to other people. It all came to a head when she booked her wedding in a place two hours away in a village with no real public transport links and I can't drive, so had to decline the invitation and she lost her shit. We agreed not to be friends anymore. Sad and hurtful but not totally unexpected.

I say cut your losses. I think your friend has been looking for a way to let you down for a while now. These things happen :(

It is rubbish and I don't think you're that unreasonable to be a bit hurt at the way she's behaving towards you - but now is your chance to "take back the power" in this relationship and sack her off completely so she can't upset you again. :)

I read somewhere that friendships go in 7 year cycles and we can drift off and form new friendships along the way. We all grow emotionally at different rates, we need friends for different reasons and have more in common with others when we have children or live in another area.

I really think it is quite normal when I look back at who I have lost touch with. Also the "we must meet" friends who have no intentions of ever doing so. I think you just have to look towards what you have and move on, still remain friends but stop making any effort for the time being. Perhaps you will fall back into some kind of friendship in the future, but perhaps not, but don't take it personally.

What seacadets and others have said, but there's no need to "ditch" the friendship - some people on MN are so overdramatic.

This is just a time of life when a combination of reasons mean you aren't going to be as close as you once were. Let me assure you that it doesn't mean you can never be friends with her ever again.

I've got to a time in my life now where I can easily go out without my dc (as they are older) as can most of my friends, and we're all in a situation where neither time nor money is all used up on the family, and I've had a lovely Summer, meeting for lunch or coffee or a walk, with people that I might not have spent much time with over the last 10 or 12 years, but it's really lovely to have a wide circle of friends, and the chance to catch up with them.
It's OK to have friends you don't see much, especially when there are young dc involved.

I am exactly the same as waltonswatcher. it drives me mad.