to think there's something wrong with my 6 year old?

[ohmychrist]

We've had days of her tantrums, screams, door slams and telling us she hates us.

She does nothing unless she can see a direct benefit to herself. For example I asked her to pass me a phone, and she just said "No".

The she's always been a terrible whiner and I'm ground down by it now.

No other children seem to be so full of venom. I dread the teenage years.

There's something psychologically wrong with her, isn't there? We're strict and send her to her room without hesitation. I'm sick of shouting and stress.

Is she the same in school? If not, it's time to harden up a lot more.
Immediate consequence at the first sign of attitude. A consequence that she will really hate, if she's been sent to her room a lot, it probably doesn't bother her any more!
Throw a toy in the bin every time she behaves badly, that kind of thing. (You don't actually have to throw it out, just grab it out the bin and hide it for a while until she deserves it back)

Also, don't shout, it's not worth the stress. Just calmly tell her from now on what will happen if she continues as she is. Then when she does something badly, just calmly say 'okay' and silently put toy in bin (or whatever consequence you choose)

No, apparently she's fine at school.

Yes, we should be tougher. It's hard to know where to go though. I've emptied her room before.

Thanks for the advice. I'll try to keep calm. Try not to increase the noise levels.

I disagree with nannynoss that sort if reaction will just escalate it. I found reading books like www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B00APJOY3A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1409392461&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+listen this helped hugely. She isn't horrible she isn't full of venom she is 6. My dd was hugely frustrating and had a ferocious temper but we worked through it together.

How does she behave at school? Do they have difficulties managing her behaviour? If there are problems at school they can call in the Ed Psych to do an assessment and you can then all work together on appropriate strategies.

Mine did the massive tantrums and "I hate you stuff"/ still does this when she was worried about something. She'd bottle it all up and take it out on us because we were "safe". Since we finally worked out the problem it is better, but she still has her moments (she's 9 now). It peaks during end of holidays because she's worried about going back to school. Could it be something like that? It took me a while to work it out because my family shares everything. This comes from DH's side. :-D

We did the zero tolerance thing too. It was only when we finally got to the bottom of her school worries it improved. We had a worry diary where she'd write me a letter and I'd write something helpful and positive back.

It's bloody awful. I really sympathise. She used to be physical as well during her tantrums. I hope you find a solution.

What happened when she said no about the phone? I agree with nannynoss. If you're using a punishment a lot, it isn't working. An effective sanction only needs to be used/threatened rarely to keep control.

I don't agree however about not actually following through on the threat. Once she's earned a toy back once or twice, she'll know it's only a matter of time next time. Screen bans are the most effective here.

What do her teachers think?

Have you tried the book "Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting"? I thought it was great and sounds perfect for a situation like yours,.

I think your biggest problem is going to be dredging up the energy that it is going to take to really focus on this problem and tackle it in a consistent way.

I wish you well.

No, she's fine at school. Well behaved, apparently. She does well academically and likes the teachers and classmates. She moans a lot about it all at home though - she hates school and all the children are mean etc. Load of rubbish.

Do you ask her to do things, like pass the phone, or do you tell her? Sometimes it can be as simple as the language being used. At that age my daughter thought 'please can you pass the phone' meant she had a choice. She also kicked off with strings of commands. eg come downstairs, get your shoes and coat on and say goodbye to nanny. Once it got broken down to single instructions she was much better.

Thanks all.

She's on no tv for the second day now. Yes, she gets physical too, which is laughable at her age, but I worry what it will be like when she's a few years older.

It's just such a massive drag. I wake up, feeling ok, but then she starts and it's another day ruined. I'm exhausted by it all.

I would certainly speak to a gp about it as it could be early onset of puberty or a chemical imbalance.

my godson has been like this since he was a toddler but is an angel at school. he is now receiving counselling and other medical tests as the Gp's believe that there is something causing the behaviour.

in the meantime have a

My dd really hated losing her temper and her embarrassment would escalate the whole thing even further. Try talking to her when she is calm about it. Honestly dd was horrific but we got through it together

I start off with "Pass me the phone, please", she said "No", and this ends up with me counting to 5 and sending her up to her room. Cue "I hate you. You're the worst mummy in the world!", lashing out, etc.

My 6 yo is the same. Rude, answers back, and can be generally very unpleasant. She whines too and I am also being worn down by it. The worst thing for us is her absolute refusal to tidy up. I bagged everything that was on the floor the other day having asked repeatedly to tidy. I also have refused to serve food until the table is clear of the junk she dumps. She is getting a bit better, but I think we are in it for the long haul with this particular battle. The othrt thing I have done, and I am sticking to, is not allowing her any friends over until she can show she can keep her room tidy for a period of more than the current hour... She seems not to give a stuff at the moment, but I am sticking to it: she has asked for playdates and I say no unless you can keep your room tidy. "NO I will NOT" and storms off.

From talking to other Mums I found it was quite common, but I always found it quite embarrassing to share how bad it was for us. It helps to get it off your chest. Completely exhausting. It does get better.

I'm worried that the GP would laugh at me.

She has no other signs of puberty, and is losing milk teeth at a normal rate. In other words, she seems to be developing normally, but she really is like a horrible teenager. Rolling eyes, tutting, shouting abuse at us. It's awful.

they won't laugh! they will help even if just to rule everything out. things like thyroid imbalances can cause this sort of behaviour too.

if the normal "I have asked you once, now I am giving you the choice to do as I have asked or go to the naughty step" or whatever punishment you choose doesn't work and only proves to escalate an issue then you need to investigate other causes

Ignoring all the "hate yous" is very powerful. DH found this very hard and took it personally. I used to engage in the whole thin because I was so furious about the cheek. Once we both ignored it we saw a huge improvement. Straight to bedroom, talk about it after.

The Explosive Child is very good to help you get the best out of your dd, and helps to teach co-operation.

Ds2 is very like this, started at 6. He's now 9 and being investigated for ASD. Not saying that's what it is in your case, but it's worth working out what is triggering this behaviour, anxiety, lack of understanding etc, and it'll help work out ways to help.

My 7 year old can be like this if I take my eye off the ball. She needs consistent, predictable routine, plenty of sleep, time outdoors every day and not too much stimulation. If I keep things really boring, she is happy, creative and delightful.

I am not naturally a routine sort of person, so I find this hard.

When the tantrums start, I make sure to get back to basics, and also to make sure that we connect during the good moments so that we can talk calmly about her behaviour.

My dd1 was like this at that age. She's now 15 and I really enjoy her company. She's still a bit selfish and lazy but was not the difficult teenager I thought she'd be. She never complained about school and was well behaved there but I found out that her teacher had been really impatient with the whole class due to personal problems and my daughter was just venting her frustrations at home. We changed schools and things got better. You may find a new school year will improve the behaviour. I did find the most important thing was not to get into a slanging match and to stand firm.

Mine is 6 and regularly tells me I am the worst mother in the world and that she would prefer to be dead then live with me (ok....). I just let her vent her anger and say nothing much. She hates soup and once when I was cooking it she said she would burn the house down rather than eat it. I calmly asked if she was ok with burning down her Nintendo, DVDs, barbies etc, and whether she wouldn't get cold without any clothes.
To my mind at 6 they can't articulate their feelings very easily and it you have a slightly dramatic highly strung child it tends to come out a bit strongly. I am not worried because I was exactly the same and I think (hope) I turned out ok in the end. I look forward to adolescence....

Being fine at school is not an indicator of things being "normal". It can be a sign of a child on the Autistic spectrum actually.

Many DC with Autism even mild autism are totally fine at school but the effort of holding it together at school results in breakdowns at home.

Not saying OPs DD is on the spectrum but wanted to correct that assumption