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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About the car seat?

29 replies

CarSeatConundrum · 29/08/2014 20:14

MIL and SIL looked after DD (age 1) for us today. We didn't leave the car seat because they didn't think they'd be going anywhere in the car- they did have the pushchair so they could walk if they needed to go anywhere.

Anyway, they did decide to pop out in the car- so put DD in a high back booster with the car seatbelt around her. SIL says this one is suitable from 9kg up, but I'm pretty sure the only seats suitable from 9kg (ie stage 1) have their own harness of some sort and don't restrain the child using the car seatbelt. They reassured me that she looked fine in it as she's quite big for her age, and she was good and didn't fiddle with the seatbelt or anything.

I felt physically sick when I realised what they'd done and told them not to do that next time. I didn't want to make a fuss because they did do us a big favour and I know they wouldn't have done it on purpose- but still, to tell us that they weren't going in the car, change their mind, and put her in another child's car seat that's not even the right kind is a big deal, right?

OP posts:
Oldraver · 29/08/2014 20:20

This would be a deal breaker for me. My MIL let my BIL take DS out in a car with four kids shoved in the back. She never had him again as I didnt trust her.

If you need your MIL to have DD again make sure they have a suitable car seat and make it very clear it is to be used correctly

FoxSticks · 29/08/2014 20:21

I know how you feel, my dad couldn't do up dd's straps on her car seat the other week so they just drove her home with them undone. But they did drive slowly and carefully Hmm

As hard as it is I just had to think that nothing happened (thank god) and said if they struggled again to make sure they called me so I could talk them through it. I guess just make it clear that you don't want them to use the booster seat again.

MrsWembley · 29/08/2014 20:21

Sounds like all kinds of wrong to me! Tell them the weight of your DC and let them figure out why you're a little bit mad with them...

TwoKidsAndCounting · 29/08/2014 20:21

Erm yeah it would be a big deal! Not alone have they compromised her safety they have disrespected you.

Bang out of order! Shock

AlpacaMyBags · 29/08/2014 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissClemencyTrevanion · 29/08/2014 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CarSeatConundrum · 29/08/2014 20:50

I don't think the car seat was the Britax one, I think SIL just forgot when she bought it (ie she got it when her child was 3 and thought she got it when her child was 2). I did point out that DD is at least 3kg too small for the high back booster and that's when they said 'oh, we thought it was OK from 9kg'

The really annoying thing is, I know MIL has a suitable car seat stored somewhere but they used this one as it was already in the car. If we had known they were going in the car then I would have said to get it out. I've asked her to dig it out so it's ready for next time, if they decide to go out on the spur of the moment again.

OP posts:
hollie84 · 29/08/2014 20:53

They have to weigh at least 15kg for the adult seatbelt to work, and should be harnessed to 18kg ideally.

I think you need to be clear with them that that seat was unsafe and you only want her in an appropriate seat.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 29/08/2014 20:56

Yanbu. But the seat may be suitable from 9kg with a 5 point harness, which can be removed later when the child is bigger.

Ds has one as it was a spare for my mum's car. It's ideal as it gets very little use and means I don't need to buy a new car seat for every stage - this one will see him through until he doesn't need a booster.

However, and obviously, the label still states it can be used from 9kg. I'm sure most people would apply common sense. But a quick glance at the instructions shows clearly when the harness should be used.

Purplepoodle · 29/08/2014 21:20

Iv only just moved my 3 year old onto a seat belt instead of a harness (there's a 5 point harness on the seat too). Wouldn't dream of putting my 1 year old in that seat even then and he is huge

tobysmum77 · 29/08/2014 21:29

This kind of thing makes me v Angry . mil has been asking since dd was about 13kg when she can go on a booster cushion
.... er never! I have never trusted her with car seats, thankfully dd can now ensure she does it all right!

tobysmum77 · 29/08/2014 21:34

hollie I think it depends on their age/ height tbh. dd was 113cm tall and well over 5 before she was above 18kg, I did cheekily put her in 5 point harness for short journeys in emergencies up to then Blush but she started to look very wrong in it at that height. .....

Original poster
CarSeatConundrum · 29/08/2014 21:42

toby I'm more Sad than Angry now, thinking about what could have happened. And the fact that they couldn't even be bothered to check the seat instructions or phone one of us to make sure it's OK.

OP posts:
rallytog1 · 29/08/2014 21:55

I would be very cross but it wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker, depending on their attitude when you talk to them about it. It's only in recent years that people have become better educated about why children need to be safely restrained in cars. It may just be that they didn't realise.

HOWEVER, I would have strong words about it, including showing some of the evidence about car seat safety, and seek reassurances that this will not happen again. If after that they don't think they've done anything wrong, then it would be a deal breaker for me.

tobysmum77 · 29/08/2014 22:29

my mil when pressed was of the opinion that in our day we were never restrained Confused Hmm . Now I'm 37 and my parents always went out of their way to ensure that they used what was available at the time so for a start that is total bollocks. ok I doubt the seats/ harnesses then were great but you'd at least try surely? ?? (and I pointed this out, it was just them who didn't bother) Just bloody lucky for dh and sil they never crashed really.

That said she's always grumbled and done as she's told so far.

BerylStreep · 29/08/2014 22:37

I think in future you need to leave (or even fit) the car seat if you are leaving your DD again.

AgentZigzag · 29/08/2014 22:46

I had a similar problem with DD2 when she was two or three and her GP thought she'd be OK with just a lap belt on in the back because she was falling asleep and it'd be more comfortable.

This was after they'd assured me they were picking up a car seat and knew full well that she should be in one because I'd insisted.

I know they would never knowingly hurt her and it was down to not thinking it was a hugely important thing, (at least I hope it is, because the alternative is that they were doing it on purpose to prove a point, which although one of them I've noticed does do that with other things, the other GP I know for sure would override them if they thought it'd be a risk to their GD).

But even if their ideas of road safety are stuck in the 70s, it's not the fucking 70s now, and they're not the ones to make the decisions about car seats etc.

I found out about it after they'd left and felt I had no option but to tell them straight that this is what she needs in the car and if she hasn't got it then she doesn't go, and if they don't make sure she has it then she can't travel with them again.

It was awkward and contact from them dropped off for a bit afterwards, but your ILs have left you/your DH with no option.

You've come away from your situation not feeling reassured that this definitely won't happen again, and that's what you'd be looking for if you contacted them specifically about it.

Weelass83 · 29/08/2014 23:19

Also remind them that had they been stopped by the police, they would have been in more trouble with them than with you!! X

goingloombandcrazy · 29/08/2014 23:25

Purple even 3 is too young for a booster seat. Too young both maturity and skelton. Points on pelvis that seat belts need not mature yet. Harness til 18kg and if they outgrow that you need a rear facing seat til 25kg or a britax two way elite ff til 25kg ( only seat that ff til 25kg)

OP I would be furios with anyone who did that to my child!

DuelingFanjo · 29/08/2014 23:32

I would be furious too.

fassbendersmistress · 29/08/2014 23:58

I would be furious. And I would put my DCs safety first by always taking 10 minutes to fit a car seat securely in their car and show them how to use it correctly, every time I left my DC with them in the future.

nocoolnamesleft · 30/08/2014 00:09

If your MIL mentions again that in our day noone was restrained...

I'm a similar age to you. My parents were very safety conscious, and believed in the best possible seat belts/car seats/booster seats. Many others did not. Including one family at my primary school. All 4 of whom (both parents and both children) will still to this day bear the significant facial scarring from going through the windscreen.

YADNBU

backwardpossom · 30/08/2014 00:16

I would be really angry too, OP, but I think they probably thought they were doing the right thing by having a seat at all and wee just ignorant to the requirements. Maybe gently point out to them the dangers and that if the driver had been stopped by the police, they'd have been in a lot of trouble?

backwardpossom · 30/08/2014 00:17

Wee = were