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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this be unreasonable at a wedding? It's today!

43 replies

Hurr1cane · 29/08/2014 10:09

It's my DPs brothers wedding and we have all been invited, including me and my DS (not DPs child)

I'm so grateful they include DS like they do, my maternal family are horrible with him and we are now NC because of it.

DS is autistic and has severe learning difficulties and is 8. I was thinking we all go to the wedding, I'm taking me, DP, DS and DPs adult son, then when they go in to do the actual wedding bit, vows etc, I was going to wait outside with DS and amuse him myself so he doesn't make any noises and disturb their wedding, which is being videoed.

Would this be ok do you think? He doesn't understand quiet voices or when to be quiet and would most likely echo everything being said in a very loud voice if he was in there.

OP posts:
Shockers · 29/08/2014 10:12

I think that would be perfectly acceptable. Have a lovely day!

TeWiSavesTheDay · 29/08/2014 10:12

I'm sure that would be fine - they might not be bothered about echo's, but it's possibly a bit late to ask them!

fatlazymummy · 29/08/2014 10:13

Yes, that would be fine, if you think he would definitely create a disturbance.My daughter is autistic and I've had to take her outside at times during weddings or during the speeches afterwards.

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 29/08/2014 10:14

Thanks! If I asked I think they'd probably be too polite and lovely to say anything and just say it's ok. But with it being recorded, it might put a dampner on their video.

OP posts:
Nerf · 29/08/2014 10:15

It's fine but probably not necessary, if they've accepted him as part of the family. If it makes you feel more comfortable why not?

londonrach · 29/08/2014 10:15

Sounds like you are the perfect guests. Enjoy the day. I hope your ds has a lovely day too. X

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 29/08/2014 10:18

I was just wondering if they would think me rude, skipping out of the actual ceremony and then staying for the dinner etc.

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 29/08/2014 10:18

I think that's fine - I'm sure they wouldn't mind either way but it's very thoughtful of you.

Hope you all have a nice time.

awsomer · 29/08/2014 10:20

Perfectly fine, just make sure you sit somewhere where you can make a quiet getaway and don't hang around outside when the bride is about to make her entrance. ( I'm sure you wouldn't anyway.)

Have a lovely day!

MsAspreyDiamonds · 29/08/2014 10:21

This is absolutely fine, my ds is autistic too and we do this with him. Lots of people take crying babies & fractious toddlers out during the service so this is perfectly acceptable & very thoughtful of you.

I fill a party bag with bubbles, crayons, party bits & his favourite comic to keep him amused during the day. He is five so this idea will work for only a few more years!

MrsMinton · 29/08/2014 10:22

You'll be outside to cheer and congratulate them which will be lovely and you and DS will have quiet time before the busy meal which will probably help him I imagine? Have a lovely day as a family Smile

WipsGlitter · 29/08/2014 10:23

Fine, as long as you don't make a disturbance going out or DS gets more upset about that, ie having to leave and wanting to stay.

Maybe you could wait outside to see the bride going in and he can be part of all that pre bit when everyone is greeting each other outside and then just keep him outside?

MammaTJ · 29/08/2014 10:24

I think it is very lovely of you and no one will mind.

My DD had her wedding videoed and the youngest flower girl and her Mum were sat behind me.

The little one wanted to run around and mum was pinning her to her. Tot was screaming-it was ruining the wedding. I just turned and whispered 'Let her go, weddings are family occasions, she won't do any harm'.

I got up and shut the open door on to a busy road that was nearest and the little one ran free and to Daddy (Best Man).

That was much better than a screaming child IMO.

Curlyweasel · 29/08/2014 10:24

You sound lovely and considerate. I'm sure they wouldn't think you rude - quite the opposite. Part of me still feels that it would be nice if you could both stay to watch though Confused

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 29/08/2014 10:24

Thanks. I wasn't even going to go into the actual room with him. It's a big hotel thing so there will be plenty places to go. I was just going to do the whole milling around outside with the family, then as everyone goes in to wait I was going to slope off and find a quiet place to sit and then go back when everyone's coming out.

We have to go in 30 minutes and my DP is "just having a little lie down"

I think they'll probably just be grateful if I get his lazy arse there Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurr1cane · 29/08/2014 10:26

Yes sorry I wasn't clear. I wasn't going to go into the ceremony room with him at all, because DP pointed out that he would probably scream blue murder when I made him leave.

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 29/08/2014 10:26

They seem like nice people, so I would be most surprised if they would find it rude (in fact until I joined MN many years ago and found out how weird some people are, I wouldn't have thought anyone would find it rude.!!).

However, have you spoken to your DP about it? How well do his brother and very soon to be wife know your DS? Do you think they already know that he is most likely to contribute to the video if he is in the room? They might be OK with that? I would be, but I would know what to expect iyswim.

Dubjackeen · 29/08/2014 10:28

Hope you all have a lovely day. YANBU.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 29/08/2014 10:31

No one will really notice or mind, so if you don't mind missing the ceremony then do what you have suggested, much less stressful for you! :)

At the last wedding I was at there were two babies, both about a year old. A boy on one side near the front and a girl on the other side near the back. they both 'chattered' through the ceremony sort of in turns - at one point I thought THEY might end up married Grin

awsomer · 29/08/2014 10:34

Wips at first I disagreed with your suggestion to with the wait outside to see the bride going in, but then I realised we might be imagining very different parts of the wedding, or different styles of wedding entirely! Do you mean, where she arrives in the car to the church and everyone oohs and ahhs for a bit before being seated? If it's a wedding like that I think it's fine.

But at both my sisters' weddings the bit where the bride enters the room/church were really private moments where we the bride and DF had a few loving words and steadied the Bride before walking down the aisle. If there had been a member of the congregation and her son standing watching I don't think it would have been the same. The brides wouldn't have been bothered by it, I'm sure, it just would have changed that private atmosphere.

...but then I think I'm overthinking this...

awsomer · 29/08/2014 10:36

Grin at hurr1cane! Go and get your DP!

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 29/08/2014 10:39

DP says it's best to keep him out.

The brother and his wife to be know DS a bit. He was invited to their child's christening but I had someone look after him for the church bit and went and got him for the party bit, that was local though, this place is quite a drive so I can't do that today.

They don't know him that well though. DP works a lot so we don't get to see anyone often

OP posts:
Sunna · 29/08/2014 10:43

I think you're being very considerate and it will be appreciated.

Curlyweasel · 29/08/2014 10:45

I've been to a wedding where children joining in/running around during the ceremony was positively encouraged - the vicar said he'd be disappointed if they didn't...!

It would be nice if your DS could be part of it, but I guess your DP's input is valid too. I too always feel grateful (perhaps the wrong word) when my DD is included in DP's family's / friends' activities - people can be so lovely xx

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 29/08/2014 11:11

In that case H I think what you have suggested would be the best solution - they don't know him well enough to know that he would find it impossible to be quiet, so I too would wait outside with DS.

I hope you all enjoy the day :)

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