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AIBU?

to not accept this "apology"?

65 replies

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 20:59

Short version....DD was given a CRB form on Monday for enrolment on her college course tomorrow. She needs 3 forms of ID and we only have 2. She can use a letter from her college principle as she was there last year so I said that that is the only option. She went off in a right stink having a go at me and saying it was all pointless, they wont do it so she wont get on the course blah blah. I pointed out that very few 17 year olds will have utility bills or full driving licenses and she doesnt have a passport, thats the only option.

So she goes off and rings her dad, slagging me off, which doesnt work as he agreed with me so she yelled at him too and said everyone was having a go at her. More verbal, then she eventually comes back down.

She is asking me several favours to get this sorted tomorrow and I said that I would like an apology first. Wow....not had one like this in ages. Yelling "What for?! I havent done anything wrong etc" and then eventually I get a "kevin the teenager" apology, you know the tone of voice that makes it clear that a) they are not sorry b) they dont think there is anything to apologise for and c) that they think that you should be the one saying sorry not them.

So I told her to come back when she meant it and now she is crying and tantruming in equal measure because I am a total bitch. She said sorry and DID mean it so I am being a cow. Yes, that was the short version, her attitude/tantrum has been on and off all fucking day, the apology thing just happened.

AIBU to not have accepted it? She clearly thinks I am and I daresay ex will say I should have accepted it just to keep the peace, but thats the sort of attitude that means the kids have no respect for him and dont listen to a word he says as he always backs down! Oh and her period is due on Friday.....

Teen + PMT = Mummy on the vino!

OP posts:

Report

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 21:56

I feel your pain

My dd is 19 in a couple of months. She is very good company, pure sweetness and light, until I puller up on something. Then BAM. Can't think who she takes after.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 21:56

pull her

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 21:57

Mind you, age 15 was the < sharp intake of breath > grim year

I still have nightmares about that Dark Time.

PistolWhipped · 27/08/2014 21:58

OP, it is my belief that being able to say 'sorry' is hugely important at any age. Stick to your guns.

JustAboveTheDogPan · 27/08/2014 22:00

Bogey - dd 'kicks off' with me, as a NRP/dad, so something like this is 'easy' as it fits. But the rest of what you say is pretty much consistent with our experience. Head strong, demanding and not easy to reason with. The joy of teenage girls...wouldn't have it any other way.

Tikimon · 27/08/2014 22:04

Well, the problem obviously is that you can't make someone be sincerely sorry. Right now she's in toddler mode "Saying the word sorry = I get out of trouble". Treat her like a toddler and let her have her tantrum away from you. Wanting her to "mean" her apology will just be here refining her "sorry" to sound better. There's no point if you're going to force it. You already know she won't mean it.

Also, as a side note, being a teenager once on the other end, having a parent insisting you don't "mean" your apology is an infuriating game (even though I didn't).

Unfortunately as the adult, you have to be the mature one and de-escalate the situation. She is the child, see her actions as those of a child. Not saying cater to her, but I wouldn't keep digging your feet in either. Think about what you want. You want her to do the letter, and 2 other IDs, and to get registered for her course, yes? Stick to that, and don't do more for her until her attitude improves.

JustAboveTheDogPan · 27/08/2014 22:04

AF - I'm clueless too on who poss. she role-models herself on...

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 22:05

Justabove not suggesting that all NRP get away with it, just my ex because of the lack of boudaries and security. I think she worries that if she kicks off he will not want her to go there anymore. It isnt true, but I think thats her concern, which is very sad.

OP posts:

MamaDoGood · 27/08/2014 22:06

Not being rude OP but she's 17!
She should be able to sort all these documents out herself. At that age I would have cut my heart out to have a caring and involved mother like you.
I had my own house, bills, child and college to deal with at 18.
Stop babying her !

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 22:06

Pan, do you still have Year 15 to come ? < evil cackle >

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 22:09

She came down just and had a "OK OK" smile on her face. She said she had done the form and would ask for the letter tomorrow and said "Sorry for being a cow" with a rueful smile, so I think we are ok.

I knew she would be eventually but it just grated so much that she was being vile one minute then asking me for favours the next like her tirade had never happened!

All done.....until next time.....counting down to her period on Friday. I may be back to this thread again before then :o

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 22:10

"Sorry for being a cow" is a pretty good apology

MamaDoGood · 27/08/2014 22:12

That's a good apology !

YouTheCat · 27/08/2014 22:12

AF, do you have my dd there?

15 was also grim.

The turning point for us was when dd couldn't go back to 6th form because her A levels were too good. She didn't want to go to uni so didn't apply. She has Aspergers and wasn't ready to get a job. So she had to take herself off and get enrolled at college (which she managed herself with much angst). And now she's even getting some work experience by volunteering. And she's being mainly pleasant and reasonable. She'll be 20 in December.

JustAboveTheDogPan · 27/08/2014 22:13

yes we still have that pleasure..but we're prepared..

bogey - being a NRP/dad is v tricky, but being consistent with you is a bit of a must, and just learning to suck stuff up from time to time. IF he is being honest and firm with her she will appreciate that and not see it as a barrier. I think.

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 22:15

mama

Weird cos at 18 I was in a similar situation although I was at my mums, most of my money went into "housekeeping" leaving just enough for nappies for DS :(

I think thats why I am so aware of her feelings because I had zero support, no one cared if I was struggling with anything. Having support would have made such a difference. I dont baby her, believe me!

OP posts:

Tabby1963 · 27/08/2014 22:16

Bogey, good for her, she's growing up, and your response was good too. All done indeed, until next time, but these moments should become less and less...

Hassled · 27/08/2014 22:16

Reading this is giving me Nam-style flashbacks to DD's impressive teenage strops/tantrums/rages which were so horrific that they were the thing that first got me posting on MN. She's nice now, honest. They become nice at 20, I reckon - hang on in there.

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 22:18

"Sorry for being a cow" made me smile, it is a very good apology!

She is lovely 90% of the time, but the 10% is horrendous. There was a little girl who had a little curl....:o

Anyway, just called her a bimbo and she laughed so all is good! (Dont take offence, its an in joke from years ago!)

I do love her and tell her all the time (just did actually as she was going to bed), but I dont always like her. I am sure she would say the same!

OP posts:

Catmint · 27/08/2014 22:19

Just from a completely practical POV, she can provide fingerprints if she can't provide the 3 forms of ID. It sounds scary, but happens all the time and is no biggie.

Good luck.

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 22:22

Cat thats good to know, thanks for that.

We have just realised that although she never got an NI card, never did find out why, she does have the letter informing her of her NI number so that might be enough. We have got together anything with her name and address on (including the college letters) and she is taking it all with her on the basis that something in there might be ok, and if it isnt then she will ask for the letter from the Principal.

Thanks for this, posting on here helped me not get mad when the crashes and bangs from upstairs were threatening to wake the other 4!

OP posts:

MamaDoGood · 27/08/2014 22:22

You are doing a good job bogey !

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JustAboveTheDogPan · 27/08/2014 22:23

she sounds excellent. dd was an angel, til about 3 yrs ago (now 14yrs)....then whoosh! She thinks we're 'disappointed'. We actually think " Go for it. Form your character...just don't hurt us too much whilst you do it!".

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 22:26

Thanks mama

I think what helps is that I read an article years ago (when DS was just entering Kevin territory) that said that teen tantrums and toddler tantrums come from the same place emotionally and physically. It also explained the physical battle going on in a teen that means they cant get up in the morning but cant get to sleep at night. It was really interesting and made the explosions easier to handle because I understood where they were coming from.

I have been trying to find it for years, I think it should be required reading for all parents of 10 year olds!

OP posts:

ArsenicyOldFace · 27/08/2014 22:36

NI cards haven't been issued for several years now.

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