to not accept this "apology"?

[Bogeyface]

Short version....DD was given a CRB form on Monday for enrolment on her college course tomorrow. She needs 3 forms of ID and we only have 2. She can use a letter from her college principle as she was there last year so I said that that is the only option. She went off in a right stink having a go at me and saying it was all pointless, they wont do it so she wont get on the course blah blah. I pointed out that very few 17 year olds will have utility bills or full driving licenses and she doesnt have a passport, thats the only option.

So she goes off and rings her dad, slagging me off, which doesnt work as he agreed with me so she yelled at him too and said everyone was having a go at her. More verbal, then she eventually comes back down.

She is asking me several favours to get this sorted tomorrow and I said that I would like an apology first. Wow....not had one like this in ages. Yelling "What for?! I havent done anything wrong etc" and then eventually I get a "kevin the teenager" apology, you know the tone of voice that makes it clear that a) they are not sorry b) they dont think there is anything to apologise for and c) that they think that you should be the one saying sorry not them.

So I told her to come back when she meant it and now she is crying and tantruming in equal measure because I am a total bitch. She said sorry and DID mean it so I am being a cow. Yes, that was the short version, her attitude/tantrum has been on and off all fucking day, the apology thing just happened.

AIBU to not have accepted it? She clearly thinks I am and I daresay ex will say I should have accepted it just to keep the peace, but thats the sort of attitude that means the kids have no respect for him and dont listen to a word he says as he always backs down! Oh and her period is due on Friday.....

Teen + PMT = Mummy on the vino!

[Icimoi]

There's a 30 year old where I work who's all me, me, me and a total princess. Our theory is that it's because she's been allowed to get away with this sort of behaviour all through her childhood.

So I'd say you've been doing exactly the right thing, OP.

[BrowersBlues]

Meant to say my DS is 15. Grimsville Tennessee!

[BrowersBlues]

Bogey - Have you stolen my 17 year old DD because you have described her word for word - literally!

AF - My DD is 15 and as you put it I am in the 'grim years'. Truly grim.

Have always admired you two posters from afar so maybe I am not such a failure.

Completing forms is one big pain in the backside. They seem to be designed to be as difficult as possible!

[Moanranger]

Hi, sounds just like my DD. I would insist on a proper apology. They do tend to create these tempests in a tea pot. There will be more. I suggest that you try to not engage when it happens -"not my circus, not my monkeys" attitude helps here.
On of our jobs as parents is to train our kids in acceptable, courteous behaviour, and that mums & dads are not exempt. Good luck!

[Bogeyface]

Dont get me started on Dived v Dove :o

[ArsenicyOldFace]

[Bogeyface]

There you go then, get yourself a credit card in his name and book yourself onto the "MN Grammatical Pedantry 101" course with it :o

[ArsenicyOldFace]

Passport, probably not but his credit record must be spotless! Fancy some financial fraud?

(Not commenting on 'pled' because I make that error - can ever get it through my skull )

[Bogeyface]

Oh really?! So probably not a name you would pick if you were trying to get a fraudulent passport then!

Just clicked on the link to his name and yep, there it is! I edited the wiki page because it says he "pled guilty". No he didnt, he pleaded guilty!

[ArsenicyOldFace]

(some kind of 9/11 terrorist anyway- interesting way to spice up an article on NINOs)

[ArsenicyOldFace]

That's a 9/11 bombing knob Bogey (I wondered the exact same thing)

[Bogeyface]

What kind of knob would put (or allow to be put) their NI number and name on the internet?! Identity fraud anyone?!

[ArsenicyOldFace]

Teenagers are so communicative

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_insurance_number#Numbercards

[Bogeyface]

arsenicy have they not? That would explain it then! DS is 6 years older than DD and he got one so I assumed they were still around. NI cards were great if (like me) it took you years to memorize it!

I asked DD to ring them about not having a card and all I got was "They said they wont send me one" so I assumed they meant they dont send out replacements for lost/missing ones!

selfconfessed The last one in particular I do. One of my stock phrases is "What other people do is down to them, how you react is down to you". That usually comes out when 2 or more of them are arguing and says "but he did.....". Doesnt always work but I feel better because I know I am teaching them something even if they dont want to learn!

[SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker]

I have a 13 yr old going through similar things right now. Three months of summer holidays was a bit of an ordeal. I have found that

-refusing to argue and saying so repeatedly despite angry outbursts helped (me -- frustrated him more, but helped me not shout back and escalate it).
-pushing him out of the door with the dog and the leash and telling him to walk the dog around the block until he calmed down when he was throwing himself around slamming doors and stomping (sending him to his room resulted in him doing things he likes doing like reading and playing on iPod and resulted in more arguing about chores etc)
-giving him a moment and then offering something like a glass of water "as an olive branch" helped diffuse the situation after a while, even when he refused it and produce a good apology and some genuine dialogue.
-reminding him that we love him and are proud of him even when he behaves badly and things are going wrong (this usually happens after the apology) -- remind him that we get frustrated and angry too, it is what you do with those feelings that matter.

[ArsenicyOldFace]

NI cards haven't been issued for several years now.

[Bogeyface]

Thanks mama

I think what helps is that I read an article years ago (when DS was just entering Kevin territory) that said that teen tantrums and toddler tantrums come from the same place emotionally and physically. It also explained the physical battle going on in a teen that means they cant get up in the morning but cant get to sleep at night. It was really interesting and made the explosions easier to handle because I understood where they were coming from.

I have been trying to find it for years, I think it should be required reading for all parents of 10 year olds!

[JustAboveTheDogPan]

she sounds excellent. dd was an angel, til about 3 yrs ago (now 14yrs)....then whoosh! She thinks we're 'disappointed'. We actually think " Go for it. Form your character...just don't hurt us too much whilst you do it!".

[MamaDoGood]

You are doing a good job bogey !

[Bogeyface]

Cat thats good to know, thanks for that.

We have just realised that although she never got an NI card, never did find out why, she does have the letter informing her of her NI number so that might be enough. We have got together anything with her name and address on (including the college letters) and she is taking it all with her on the basis that something in there might be ok, and if it isnt then she will ask for the letter from the Principal.

Thanks for this, posting on here helped me not get mad when the crashes and bangs from upstairs were threatening to wake the other 4!

[Catmint]

Just from a completely practical POV, she can provide fingerprints if she can't provide the 3 forms of ID. It sounds scary, but happens all the time and is no biggie.

Good luck.

[Bogeyface]

"Sorry for being a cow" made me smile, it is a very good apology!

She is lovely 90% of the time, but the 10% is horrendous. There was a little girl who had a little curl....:o

Anyway, just called her a bimbo and she laughed so all is good! (Dont take offence, its an in joke from years ago!)

I do love her and tell her all the time (just did actually as she was going to bed), but I dont always like her. I am sure she would say the same!

[Hassled]

Reading this is giving me Nam-style flashbacks to DD's impressive teenage strops/tantrums/rages which were so horrific that they were the thing that first got me posting on MN. She's nice now, honest. They become nice at 20, I reckon - hang on in there.

[Tabby1963]

Bogey, good for her, she's growing up, and your response was good too. All done indeed, until next time, but these moments should become less and less...

[Bogeyface]

mama

Weird cos at 18 I was in a similar situation although I was at my mums, most of my money went into "housekeeping" leaving just enough for nappies for DS :(

I think thats why I am so aware of her feelings because I had zero support, no one cared if I was struggling with anything. Having support would have made such a difference. I dont baby her, believe me!