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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Believe it or not i am not a bridezilla

113 replies

KayakJo · 26/08/2014 22:38

I'm going to get flamed for this...

Ok, getting married in Dec. My poor mate is organising my hen do for end Nov. Only wanted a dinner/drinks in the interest of keeping cost down for people but she twisted my arm and its for one night, and within 40 miles of everyone. She heard back from everyone (ive organised these things before and its a ball ache so im really grateful to her). She had trouble getting hold of one person who eventually came back two weeks later to say she wont be coming because she doesnt know anyone. This is someone i have bent over backwards for in the past with no intention of receiveing anything in return. I am really surprised at how irritated i am by this. I would rather she had made up a better excuse. Aib totally u?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 27/08/2014 11:41

Plump - I'd agree with you for a wedding. Over the years I've been to a few weddings where I've not known people (other than B or G, obviously - well, I've been to a couple with dh where I've not known either) but a hen night isn't usually the chance to sit and chat and get to know people / make new friends.
Now, we don't know exactly what is planned, but from this bit in the OP Only wanted a dinner/drinks in the interest of keeping cost down for people but she twisted my arm and its for one night, and within 40 miles of everyone it would suggest it's not going to be sitting round a table in a restaurant, or going out for afternoon tea, or a drink in the local pub. It sounds like more of "an event".
Some people find this difficult - friend is already going to the wedding without knowing hardly anyone, and it could be quite a 'thing' for her. I consider myself quite outgoing, socially confident etc., and would be happy to go to wedding, or go for a meal or a drink, but that's as far as it goes. 'Activities' or games on a hen weekend would be bad enough if it were with a load of friends, but not a lot of fun when you are with strangers.

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 27/08/2014 13:00

I love meeting new people and very sociable. But I hate enforced fun, compulsory joining in and 'amusing' games. Over the years I have concluded it is best to decline politely. If ut ia this type of do and your friend feels the same as me, would you really want her to force herself to come.

But then I am old fashioned and don't get big hen dos.

PlumpPartridge · 27/08/2014 13:06

To backtrack slightly, I think there are ways to decline which soften the blow. If a friend said 'I'm sorry, but I won't be able to come to your thingy because the idea makes me really nervous. I'd much rather celebrate with you some other way - maybe we could meet up and go shopping, have a coffee etc?' then I think I'd be touched by the fact that they wanted to make me happy and I'd be ok about them missing my big do.

It's all about knowing we're cared for, I guess. If you're secure in the knowledge that you're important to someone, you don't mind so much if they miss stuff. If they routinely give the impression that they don't care much, you tend to be less forgiving (or I do anyway).

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 27/08/2014 13:25

I guess I don't get when a hen do became something you have to soften the blow of not attending - like a wedding or something. As opposed to a voluntary piss up for them yhat fancy it.

BackforGood · 27/08/2014 14:04

Quite, Penguin

KanyeBeArsed · 27/08/2014 14:35

I won't text her and tell her it's fine and i understand, because that would be disingenuous

Disingenuous maybe, but a bloody nice thing to do! Will you really not do that for the sake of your friendship? After it's much easier to do that than for your friend to suffer a night away in the company of a bunch of people she doesn't know.

I am honestly struggling to see what she has done wrong here.

KanyeBeArsed · 27/08/2014 14:36

After ALL it's much easier....

chipshop · 27/08/2014 14:43

I went to my DF's hen do recently, a weekend away, I knew no-one but the bride-to-be and it was absolutely fine. I went because she's a good friend who's been lovely to me over the years and I thought it was the right thing to do. I can understand why you're disappointed because I think it's lame for her not to come. She should put you first IMO. That's the kind of friends I cultivate.

Clearly I'm in the minority!

Fairywhitebear · 27/08/2014 14:47

My mate organised a baby shower (shudder) for me as a surprise.

Whilst the thought was lovely, it was the most excruitiating thing ever. 8 girlfriends in the same room, most of whom didn't know each other. Some of whom made no effort to mingle. Individually, I have plenty of time for each and every one of them. Truly awful.

I would imagine going to a hen do where you know no one is exactly like this! Not surprised she doesn't want to go. Really, does it matter?

KanyeBeArsed · 27/08/2014 14:50

That's the kind of friends I cultivate

Equally valid to cultivate the kind of friends who will understand when something is going to be an ordeal for you. And throw things like 'I am allowing her a plus one at my wedding' in her face (big whoop). Not too sure why the friend should put the OP first any more than the OP is (not) putting her first. OP will after all be surrounded by other mates.

KanyeBeArsed · 27/08/2014 14:51

And NOT throw things.... Jayziz wept. Proof read Kanye!

adsy · 27/08/2014 14:57

I won't text her and tell her it's fine and i understand, because that would be disingenuous
No, that would be the nice thing to do.
Why have you invited this woman when you obviously dislike her so much or do you treat all your "friends" so callously?

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 27/08/2014 14:57

I try to cultivate the kind of friends who would rescue me if me car broke down, cheer me up if I got made redundant, brought me a casserole when I had a new baby...and of course I would do it for them.

Isn't that the value of friendship? Not whether someone wants to get pissed with a bunch of strangers (and did I see mention of shared rooms. shudder)

daphnehoneybutt · 27/08/2014 15:02

Hmmm If I was her I would use the hen as an opportunity to meet people before the wedding so you have something to make small talk about on the day...

Really though OP its better she doesn't come than turns up and acts weird and miserable cos she doesn't know anyone!

tittifilarious · 27/08/2014 15:08

KayakJo
Appreciate all the responses. I won't text her and tell her it's fine and i understand, because that would be disingenuous.

You want your friend to do something she doesn't want to do just because you're getting married? Bridezilla

temporaryusername · 27/08/2014 15:10

You say you have done things for her with no expectation of anything in return, but you sound quite resentful of having had to do them. I do understand being upset, but I think I would have called her and reassured her about coming. At least then you would have spoken and picked up on anything in her tone that was relevant.

I was invited to a hen weekend where I only really knew the bride, and she also invited a friend of mine along (whom she had met but didn't really know). However, my friend couldn't make it, but I still went.

I do think it is a bit off to go or not go just based on whether she thinks she'll have a good time. I might get flamed for that, but if you have done a lot for her and she knows you'd like her there, she could make the effort. If she is shy or anxious that would be different.

On the whole though you do sound quite unreasonable and angry. If you're not a bridezilla, you're on the way to becoming one. Allowing her a plus one is not something you should be emphasising as a huge sacrifice on your part!!! I wouldn't be surprised if she has picked up some negativity from you.

Original poster
KayakJo · 27/08/2014 15:17

Sorry to disappoint but I am lucky to have fantastic, meaningful friendships about people I care very much about.

Said friend is selfish, i'm coming to realise. Like I said, she is 'take take take' and i have wised up to this.

Sometimes the advice on here is totally impractical - why would you text someone a slushy message about understanding when she has no idea she's not coming to it? As it happens, I had to ask her if she was coming to the wedding because hers was the only rsvp slip we hadn't received (received invitation 4 months before deadline), that's how I found out she was bringing her mate. That p1ssed me off.

I gratefully received your suggestions and opinions, really I did. But I just don't feel bad about this despite from what i've noticed - people on MN generally hate weddings.

I for one love celebrating my friends' happiness.

OP posts:
Original poster
KayakJo · 27/08/2014 15:20

Thanks temporary - honestly, there is not a chance she has picked up any hostility on my part. None at all. I often find with our conversations that it is 75% about her.

I haven't ever begrudged doing anything for her until recently.

I wouldn't want to go into details as they are very specific.

OP posts:
Original poster
KayakJo · 27/08/2014 15:21

re-read my earlier message - she isn't aware that I don't know she will not be coming. She hasn't contacted me about it.

OP posts:
MyFairyKing · 27/08/2014 15:26

You obviously don't like her, so why are you bothered? Phase her out.

temporaryusername · 27/08/2014 15:28

'she isn't aware that I don't know she will not be coming'

Sorry, I haven't had enough sleep to decipher that Wink

Original poster
KayakJo · 27/08/2014 15:31

Temporary, basically, I dont think she is aware my friend has told me she wont be coming to the hen do.

She certainly hasn't contacted me to tell me she wont be coming and it is clear that it is an intimate list of valued people.

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 27/08/2014 15:45

It pissed you off that she didn't RSVP to the wedding invitation until after the deadline, or it pissed you off that she's bringing someone?? Confused

KoalaDownUnder · 27/08/2014 15:50

Also, why do you think she should have contacted you regarding the hen's night? Surely the invitation came from your friend who is organising said night, and that's who she RSVPd to? I don't get what she's supposed to have done wrong here!

BackforGood · 27/08/2014 16:10

Agree with Koala - surely she should reply to whoever sent the invitation.

Also agree very much with Penguin's description of a friend who would rescue me if me car broke down, cheer me up if I got made redundant, brought me a casserole when I had a new baby. I have lots of friends who are very good friends, despite the fact we don't share the same idea of a night out or weekend away. I can still be friends with them, just because their idea of a good night out might be my idea of hell. Neither of us would expect the other to do something they didn't want to if it would make them uncomfortable. YOu just don't need friends to do that.

Since when did an extravagant hen night constitute part of the wedding ? Confused - IME, it's always been just an excuse for young people who like that sort of night anyway, to have another night out, not something at which attendance measures how much you like the bride.
I have 2 SiLs - both of whom I like very much, and get on with very well, but I didn't go on either of their hen nights.