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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Believe it or not i am not a bridezilla

113 replies

KayakJo · 26/08/2014 22:38

I'm going to get flamed for this...

Ok, getting married in Dec. My poor mate is organising my hen do for end Nov. Only wanted a dinner/drinks in the interest of keeping cost down for people but she twisted my arm and its for one night, and within 40 miles of everyone. She heard back from everyone (ive organised these things before and its a ball ache so im really grateful to her). She had trouble getting hold of one person who eventually came back two weeks later to say she wont be coming because she doesnt know anyone. This is someone i have bent over backwards for in the past with no intention of receiveing anything in return. I am really surprised at how irritated i am by this. I would rather she had made up a better excuse. Aib totally u?

OP posts:
MyFairyKing · 27/08/2014 08:46

YABU. Perhaps there is other stuff going on in her life that she doesn't want to share?

tittifilarious · 27/08/2014 08:55

Hen nights are rubbish. The meal/activity bit is ok but I'd always sooner not bother but then the whole trying to find venues suitable for Aunty Mabel, mum, 18yo SILTB, the skint one, the quiet one etc is just a frigging ball ache.

I'd focus more on the people who HAVE agreed to come rather than the one who hasn't.

MaryWestmacott · 27/08/2014 09:21

See, I can see why some people are saying "hen nights are rubbish" but on the other hand, if you've 'taken' from someone else, had them help you out or put themselves out for you, done stuff they wouldn't chose to because it was your birthday or you were feeling a bit down, or even it was your hen do, then when it's theirs, the normal thing to do would be suck it up unless you really can't afford it and go. Because friendships are 2 sided.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/08/2014 09:31

Being in debt so to speak to someone who has done us a favour surely doesn't mean we must feel obligated to accept what is an invitation not a summons?

Little bit bridezilla-ish so yabu.

BarbaraPalmer · 27/08/2014 09:39

i declined a hen party for the same reasons
well, I lied and said I couldn't get childcare, but really I didn't want to go paintballing with 15 total strangers, regardless of my friendship with the bride.

angelos02 · 27/08/2014 09:39

Hen dos are so naff. I didn't have one.

adsy · 27/08/2014 09:48

God hen nights are shit.
And yes, you are being a bridezilla; it's an invitation and up to her to accept or not. Personally I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go on an overnight do with a bunch of strangers.
You also sound very unpleasant and resentful that you have done her a huge favour of allowing her to bring a plus one to the wedding. Surely that's just the norm.

Partridge · 27/08/2014 09:54

There is nothing that can kill a vibe more readily than that feeling of being self-conscious, boring, trying to enthuse, being forced to lark around with dares and forfeits at a hen do. I will never go to another, and if I did I would probably unintentionally ruin it for everyone else by trying to join in.

Despite all this I am sociable, outgoing and love spontaneous fun nights out. I never feel more lonely and awkward than at a hen night (I didn't have one for all of the above reasons). Hope that helps you realise just how deep the antipathy some people feel for them. I am sure it has nothing to do with how your friend feels about you.

Mrsjayy · 27/08/2014 09:55

You are not being bratty or bridezilla but tbh if she doesn't want to go then its fine honestly it doesn't matter If she has been a pita why are you so annoyed. Say oh I am sorry you dont want to come we will miss you and leave it

PlumpPartridge · 27/08/2014 09:56

I am really surprised at these responses; I didn't realise that so many people hate the idea of talking to strangers!

I think I've only ever known 1 or 2 people (MAX) at any wedding I've ever been to, excluding my own. I still go!

I see it like this:

  1. A person has invited me to a thing.
  2. This indicates they want me there.
  3. They drew up the guest list, so they know I don't know anyone.
  4. They've still asked me, so that indicate they hope I'll come anyway.
  5. Depending on the importance of the event in their life and (shamefully) whether I consider them to be a good friend or not, I will make a decision to go or not. I will nearly always go if I think they'd do the same for me.
  6. If I refused because I 'wouldn't know anyone', I am fairly sure my friends would politely accept my refusal but also be a bit hurt. I think they'd be justified, frankly.
PlumpPartridge · 27/08/2014 09:58

P.S. my rules above go for parties/hen dos/social gatherings of all kinds too.

What's the worst that can happen? You might get on with new people, and if you don't, you can always spend the time amusing yourself by observing their awfulness Grin

Partridge · 27/08/2014 09:58

I love talking to strangers. I hate organised fun. Hth.

PlumpPartridge · 27/08/2014 10:02

But there are loads of different types of hen dos - I hate the overly organised dares and forfeits sort too, but under the awkwardness people are still just people. If you can all laugh at how ridiculous you're all being, you can still have a good time.

DaisyFlowerChain · 27/08/2014 10:02

Why would you want her to make up a better excuse? The fact that she's been honest is great.

My idea of hell would be a hen night with strangers overnight so I wouldn't go either. A meal yes as it's just a couple of hours.

So you'd rather force her into doing something she would be very uncomfortable with just so that she can ask a favour in the future. Good friendships don't work like that.

Partridge · 27/08/2014 10:04

I can't "still have a good time". I hate them.

PlumpPartridge · 27/08/2014 10:09

Well alright then Partridge, we are clearly very different types of people (despite our usernames)!

diddl · 27/08/2014 10:10

i can talk to strangers, as long as I feel comfortable with the environment iyswim.

So meal/drinks, ok.

Strippers/games involving chocolate cocks, not so much!

Mrsjayy · 27/08/2014 10:14

Hen dos don't have to be rubbish its what you make of them really

PlumpPartridge · 27/08/2014 10:19

Maybe I've just been fortunate enough to go to naice hen dos. My friends can be rather prim although there was the burlesque one

MrsCakesPrecognition · 27/08/2014 10:20

I don't understand when/how going on a hen night became a measure of friendship, a sign of undying solidarity and support with the bride and a duty on a par with supporting someone through the shitstorms in life.

It is a party, a bit of fun, one last blast as a single person. So what if someone can't or won't go? It doesn't meant they don't love and support you in your marriage, just that this one event isn't their cup of tea (or they are busy or broke or whatever).

Would you rather she came along and martyred herself throughout the event? Or just that she put a bit more effort into lying about why she won't be there?

Perfectlypurple · 27/08/2014 10:27

Yanbu to be a bit upset about your friend not coming but yabu and childish to say you won't do anything for her again.

I know a wedding/hen night is a big deal for the person it includes but for other people it's not the biggest thing in their world.

A supposedly very good friend of mine is currently ignoring me because I cannot make her hen weekend as I am working and do not have enough leave. Just going for one night would involve 2 days leave because of the distance. I do not have the leave to take. There appears to have been a misunderstanding somewhere along the way and I have recently had to confirm I will not be attending. She is now not speaking to me. I have tried apologising and I have sent a text reiterating the apology. She has not replied. She is getting married abroad so none of us attending. I was going to arrange a surprise hen night at my house closer to the wedding for those that couldn't make the hen night. Now I am not going to as this is not the first time she has got in a mood if it isn't all about her and I have better things to do than be bothered with such childishness.

PlumpPartridge · 27/08/2014 10:36

Well I think in your situation Perfectly that you're right to respond as you have - she IBU to be upset with you.

tittifilarious · 27/08/2014 10:52

Last hen do I went on - activity in afternoon, great. Nibbles & fizzy wine in hen's flat organised by her sister - great. Meal in evening - great. If we'd called it a day at 9pm it would've been good. But oh no, we had "the trawling" to find bars in a busy city centre on a Saturday night that could accommodate all 20 of us with completely different tastes, ages, budgets, stamina levels. that bit was crap. Ok I had period pains and was fantasising about my hot water bottle, but still.

I'm thinking back now to all of the hen dos I've been on. The best ones were undoubtedly the ones with a bunch of mates. I don't mind chatting to strangers (in fact I worry sometimes I'm mad bus lady) but an evening out chatting to hen's boring colleague or hen's 16 teenage cousin? No.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/08/2014 11:05

Two choices [otherwise imo you are being a Bridezilla]

  1. text her or call her to say that you are sorry she doesn't want to come to the hen, but you understand. And that you would like to meet up for a drink instead just the two of you.

  2. Since she is bringing a "friend" that you don't know - if female - ask her along to the hen too. Much nicer if that person knows a few folk at the wedding and it will be MUCH easier to find them a slot on a table plan. If it's a male friend, then just arrange option 1) with them as a couple even if they are just friends.

And grow up - I honestly don't know anyone who enjoys a "traditional" hen night past the novelty of the first one or two that you attend. I admire her honesty in admitting that she is too shy/intimidated to go away with a bunch of perfect strangers to be honest and I find it bizarre that you would not wish to help her get to know your other friends.

Original poster
KayakJo · 27/08/2014 11:33

fact of the matter is obviously i'm not going to be a cow about it. Not my way and frankly what's the point. Appreciate all the responses. I won't text her and tell her it's fine and i understand, because that would be disingenuous. But i'm hardly going to end a friendship over it.

OP posts: