to be annoyed at my friend

[Nonameyet79]

for allowing her husband read my private messages to her?

There was a similar thread a few weeks back.

I'm married, I have no secrets from my husband and if he wants to use/look through my phone he's welcome to. Not sure he'd be even vaguely interested though. Similarly I'd tell him anything my friends told me.

Others had very different opinions though.

I would assume that most stuff will be shared between partners, and I share 'private' stuff with my husband unless explicitly asked not to, but my husband has the good sense to keep stuff like that to himself unless he is told independently by the person in question. How did you find out that he is reading them?

For me the 'don't tell anyone' doesn't include my DH. We tell each other everything so I would just assume most people do this. How did you find out?

A friend of mine was annoyed that I told my dh something which I didn't think was particularly confidential (someone she 'liked' but I told dh not to say anything, and he wouldn't). Anyway, so she was annoyed, but I think if you don't want someone to tell their other half, you should say it is confidential. There is stuff I wouldn't tell dh (about the same friend) which is extremely personal.

I thought there was a standard rule with this which is that everyone tells their husband/wife everything (or, if they don't it's incidental rather than intentional) but the husband/wife must pretend that they were never told and it is never mentioned that they know.

So on that front your friend or friend's husband is BVU to have let you know they shared the messages.

Shaska yep that's the rule I know too

what about if your friend called your husband an asshole while you were defending her against him (being an asshole)

I don't think you can really tell a friend anything and be confident she won't tell her DH or DP. Most people tell them everything.

This has come up a few times recently, and I remain absolutely staggered that so many people think it is acceptable to tell their OH pretty much everything, and that people should just know that they tell their OH everything.

I can't get my head around the idea that so many people seem to see themselves not as two separate people any longer, and that not telling them a bit of gossip is somehow "keeping secrets."

I mean, how do you know at what stage your friend is going to start telling their OH things you've told you? Is it when you've been dating for 6 months? Or is it a silent part of the marriage vows? Or when you have children?

OP, I'd be pissed off it a friend allowed her husband to read my messages to her. Though I'm a bit confused by your second post?

I share everything with my husband and presume it´s the same with other couples (not necessarily married ones). However I wouldn´t expect the partner to tell anyone else about my business and I´d be shocked if my husband told someone else something I´d told him about one of my friends...perhaps it´s lucky he forgets everything I say(!)

My friends husband was being an absolute tool and I was messaging her about it. She had given him her iPad and was allowing him read the messages I was sending while she answered on her phone. I was answering her on the assumption that it was a private conversation between friends.
Her Husband then messaged me with the details of my private conversation.

I agree with shaska

I'm confused - who called who an asshole?

They're a couple of twats and I'd be having a serious look at the "friendship"

She called her friends husband an asshole in reply to her friend slagging him off. In that case I would be pretty annoyed!

She asked for moral support from you, and then used you as ammunition in her argument, and threw you to the lions with her dh. I can see why you're upset.

Most things I share with DH. However a close friend of mine has told me details of the abuse she suffered as a child which I would not share with anyone. It depends what you are talking about.

Err, no - that's not right.

That's like putting someone on speakerphone without telling them, while they're slagging off someone who's in the room!

Your friend is a major stirrer.

Ah so she used your messages of support as a way to get at him. Not cool and I can see why you are cross with her.

I also work by Shaska's rule of sharing info.

So can I!
I would give her a very wide birth from now on.

This is a problem, you are trying to support your friend and she doesn't have enough balls to stand up for herself so drops you in the shit. No I wouldn't want to support her any time soon! Poor you.

I'm with you Thurlow. What's with people who have to tell their dh/dp everything. What's it like to live with that kind of verbal diarrhoea/stream of consciousness constantly going on. It must be draining.

Adults are supposed to be able to hold information without blurting it out to someone else. Who are all these husbands listening to this drivel?!

OK this is kind of different to what I was imagining.

Your friend and her husband sound like weird immature dicks.

To me if someone says dont tell anyone and I agree to that it means I don't tell anyone AT ALL.

If a friend asked me to keep something confidential, I would tell NO-ONE. That's what it means. I would not expect her to have to add "including your DH, don't tell him either". That would go without saying.

I think it's disloyal to a friend to put every piece of information given to you on general release to your DH/DP.

And come on, it's not impossible to do. Surely some of you who share everything with your DH/DP work in jobs where confidentiality is key and therefore CAN'T tell them everything...so it's not that hard.