to be annoyed at my friend

[Nonameyet79]

for allowing her husband read my private messages to her?

My friends husband was being an absolute tool and I was messaging her about it

Did she bring up his absolute toolery, or did you?

If she approached you with the 'he is being a tool' thing and you just agreed, then she is out of order, it looks like you have been caught up in a dynamic where she has said 'see, she thinks you are a tool too', what happens then, is she and him continue with their relationship united, while you are painted as the problem/bad guy.

If you approached her with 'he is being a tool' then it may be that she disagrees, or was offended by you doing so and has shown him your messages...etc.

YABU/YANBU depends on which of the above it was.

I think it does depend whether your friend was telling you her husband was being a tool and asking for your support, and then she showed him the messages, which is awful. But if you volunteered that he was a tool - that's a completely different scenario.

The thing about sharing with your OH is that you have chosen your OH: you have fallen in love with them, you have decided that you want to spend the rest of your life with them - and you have decided that you trust them and want to share everything with them.

It would be a good thing to remember that your friends haven't decided that they love and trust your OH and want to share everything with them.

I'm happy my friends are happy with their partners. Doesn't mean I have to like all of those partners. And certainly doesn't mean that I want them knowing everything I've chatted to my friend about.

I agree OP and have been in a similar situation myself. Friend was emailing me about her boyfriend being an idiot. I agreed he was being an idiot (although actually thought she was being over sensitive). I then got a page of abuse from the bf for calling him an idiot (they always read each other's messages apparently). I was fuming. Told her I would never speak to her about anything personal over any form of electronic communication again.

I'd have said YWBU until I read the update.

They're a pair of stirring twats. Distance yourself, and if either of them brings it up just give them the

FWIW, I always assume that stuff might well get passed on to partners, and work within those parameters, although to be honest amongst close friends I kind of know which ones would discuss it and which ones probably wouldn't. But you can never know!

I would not discuss with my DH anything that I could make a sensible guess that the person who'd talked to me about it would not like him to know - would find it embarrassing or too personal.

Your friend is either stupid, silly, a stirrer or controlled by her husband imo. I am sure you know which.

I'm married, I have no secrets from my husband

But it's not about keeping secrets. Surely it's about having respect for your friends privacy.

If a friend told me something in confidence, why would I need to tell my husband if it has nothing even remotely to do with him?

In this situation YNBU op.

Like you and Magical I too was put in this situation however my esteem was quite low at the time I was made to feel dreadful and apologized.

Now a few more incidents have happened to make me realize my friend is quite self absorbed and has been for a good few years acting only in her self interests.

Now I've finally cottoned on and starting to cut loose (she's not the kind of person I'd want to get on the wrong side off).

Incidently,they separated within months of the text where I was supporting her regarding his 'issues'.

*I've been in your situation

Wow, he just messaged me telling me to apologise.
I swear, he really is an asshole. I was talking to my friend about him encouraging her to do something that would literally end her in hospital as she has been very sick lately and he thinks I should apologise for calling him an asshole. wow. Wide berth from here in I think. Pity, my friend really needs all the help she can get right now, but she can't see how he doesn't care.

Do not apologise.

If your friend is in genuine danger then you need to tell someone.

I agree she sounds like she needs help. For your safety you could contact woman's aid for advice for outside help for your friend. You can give her the facts for helplines and who to turn to then take a step back to allow her to soak in all the facts.

Better people than me will be able to advise you where to turn but I'd let her know she's not alone and where to get help then take a step back so as not to get involved with him.

He wants her to do something that would see her end up in hospital? This friend obviously has serious problems in her relationship over and above him not wanting you to message behind his back.
In your shoes I would stick to advising/sympathising with friend ONLY in person, not by any email/text etc. Can you meet her for a chat? Does she need to leave him for her own safety?
I'm wondering what the heck he wants her to do - don't tell us BTW, but am thinking I could not stand by and see a good friend pressured/persuaded into doing something that would endanger their health against their will. Different matter entirely if she is happy to go along with whatever it is. She is an adult, after all.

Just reply "I don't apologise for speaking the truth"

Then block him.

So your friend's dh wants her to do something that would put her in danger.
He reads the conversation his wife is having whilst it is happening

Either your friend is very very odd or being abused. He may have insisted she show him the messages, if he saw her messaging on her phone. This could be a way to isolate her from her friends, anyone who can protect her from his control/ abuse.

I would have a serious think about what could be going on, and knowing her, if she was just being ridiculously immature giving him the computer whilst you were messaging, or if it is something more sinister.

To me, this is very worrying.

Some stuff I would tell, some I wouldn't and it really depends on context.

I do find though that generally, men aren't gossips so they don't tend to give a shit.

I agree with Thurlow.

I dont get the looking at each other's phones or mails, opening letters, or looking into handbags. We are not 'one item'.

As for your 'friend', i cant stand this kind of childish stuff. I would ignore her.

I have had a go at dh before for reading my texts and I wouldn't read his. Partly because they don't show as 'unread' and then you miss them. To me, that is different than telling dh that a friend fancies another friend.

But this scenario is very, very odd.