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Original poster

What to do about Christmas?

47 replies

Bustermqc · 26/08/2014 06:46

We have a BIG family. Every year we do four vIsits to different parts of the country over the Christmas period. We also buy upwards of thirty presents. Both are very expensive ( and yes do shop around, keep presents cheap, do lots of home made and lots of edibles etc).

This year we have a little baby. I have found it stressful any way doing this when the others were babies but it is fun for older DC.

I have suggested to DH we stay at home this year to save cash but he's not having it. We are EXTREMELY strapped for cash at the moment.

Secret Santa ideas etc have been suggested in the past and met with scorn.

So what would you think if you were my relative and had a group email from me being honest that we are struggling for money so could we please not do presents this year (as in they dont buy for us and we dont for thrm). Obviously worded carefully. Would you think it was awful?

Side note there are only three DC other than our own who I would probably just buy for regardless so it hopefully would be too much of a grinch, falling of excited faces scenario.

OP posts:
JoandMax · 26/08/2014 06:55

I wouldn't mind at all! I'd be glad you felt able to say that and happy you were going to have a calmer family christmas

katienana · 26/08/2014 06:56

No I think it is crazy to spend £££ on extended family that you could be spending on dc or indeed on essentials! It has to stop at some point. Send the email now. Would your dh take it better if you made it about the hassle rather than expense?

diddl · 26/08/2014 06:57

I personally wouldn't think it awful.

i don't know who you are talking about in terms of kids/adults/friends/family, but I think it can get ridiculous.

As for 4 visits!!

Why doesn't your husband want to stay at home?

can people come to you to visit or you meet halfway?

combust22 · 26/08/2014 06:58

I would stick at home. Put down your roots and christmas traditions. Trailing around the country with a baby sounds awful. I would buy for the three DC, but post the gifts. Having the postman deliver a parcel is very exciting for children.

Amy106 · 26/08/2014 07:00

I think your email idea is very sensible and I would not offended at all to receive a message like that. I say go for it!

CSIJanner · 26/08/2014 07:00

Aside - amazon is your friend here for the 3DC you will buy for. They'll even gift wrap it for you.

BikeRunSki · 26/08/2014 07:03

I'd be relieved!! 30 presents!!!!
We don't buy for people who've left school.

amyhamster · 26/08/2014 07:03

Is it your family or his you visit ?

pictish · 26/08/2014 07:06

I'd think it great and be relieved! 30 presents!! My purse and my energy levels just wilted to nothing at the thought of that!
NOPE!

Original poster
Bustermqc · 26/08/2014 07:06

I think DH is partly slightly embarrassed but if I'm honest I think it's mainly because he still wants presents from his parents (in their family they send links and thr patents spend thousands. I find it a bit grim). He also will want to go to his parents because he is just one of those men who can't help putting his DMs feelings first. She is lovely but when we weren't there for actual Christmas day (cane after) she was very woeful about her empty nest (her DH and other DC were all there). My DH is the favourite in the family (for his siblings as well) so everyone gets a bit up in arms. His mum also spends packs on food and I know he will miss getting 'home' and sticking his head in the fridge to snack on expensive cured meats and cheeses etc.

I would love to stay at home and use some money to decorate a bit. Last year we couldn't afford a tree and we always just do stockings for DC with snacks and tiny bits rather than presents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bustermqc · 26/08/2014 07:09

It's all mine and his family (though mine is where the numbers add up). I don't think we could get away with just not going because of hassle. Everyone would just be trying to arrange an alternative time to meet up to exchange gifts.

What do I do about grandparents who don't have email? I'm not sure I could face the awkward call!!

OP posts:
SweetPeaPods · 26/08/2014 07:15

Could you do a hand written letter ? They would appreciate that.

quirkycutekitch · 26/08/2014 07:16

I don't think you are being unreasonable - but your husband getting hundreds of pounds worth of presents & your kids only getting stockings and no tree- i wouldn't be happy with.

WhoDaresWins · 26/08/2014 07:20

Well, you have two separate issues- the presents and the visiting.

Say in your email that you can't afford both and you'd rather see people than have presents.

Boysandme · 26/08/2014 07:28

With regards to the visiting, we usually spend a few days between Christmas and new year travelling half the country seeing relatives. We end up paying for a hotel too as there isn't room for us to stay at MILs.

This year we announced very early on that we were staying at home and anyone that wanted to visit us was very welcome, we'll have open house for a week or so. Went down fine with nearly everyone, but MIL was not too chuffed. Mainly because she doesn't make too much effort to see anyone and she expects them to go to her. Don't know if she'll make the effort, to be fair it is an effort as we live 3 hrs away but she is healthy and not too old, perfectly capable.

You may not fancy open house though if you have a small baby, but it is worth considering.

Boysandme · 26/08/2014 07:30

With regard to presents, can you just do children so send an email saying things are a bit tighter this year with new baby so you'd like to just do children's presents. We did this with my uncle and his family and it was fine.

Original poster
Bustermqc · 26/08/2014 07:33

The PILs do spoil the DC as well.

I think it's all or nothing and should put foot down. Because I'm certain that if we do visits some people will still get us things and that will be embarrassing.

Also how do I communicate that I will still get things for the other children without it sounding like 'so you all better buy for my DC'

OP posts:
George9978 · 26/08/2014 07:41

Your buying 30 presents but only buying your children stockings.

That says it all, something needs to change.

We cut out adult gifts a few years ago. It saved loads of money/ hassle. We just buy for the children and parents. It's enough.

Can you not just see his parents this year if he agrees to the no gifts email.

petalsandstars · 26/08/2014 07:42

With the extra demands on our family now we have had to cut back our spending and whilst we are still able to do Christmas for the children (as that's who it is about really) we just can't stretch our budget to adult gifts this year. We hope you understand and can join us on x day to celebrate Christmas at our house.

Unless you want to do the travelling?

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 26/08/2014 07:43

Buster - it sounds like a bloody nightmare tbh. I can understand your DH liking to go to his parents for Christmas, but frankly, he has a wife and children now - so it's not all about him and he needs to grow up - sharpish. He's spending a lot of money on other adults, leaving no money for a tree or presents for his own children???????? WTAF, not in this house he wouldn't be.

I would leave the Grandparents out it (buy them presents, allow them to buy presents) but speak to the siblings and say nothing for adults but that you would like the children to exchange presents if the people with children would like that too. You could say that you are worried that some others will still go ahead and buy you presents, and you don't want that, so you will not be accepting any gifts.

Obviously you will have to do the same with your family & friends.

Can you cut it down to visiting his parents and your parents?

fairylightsintheloft · 26/08/2014 07:45

I agree that you need to separate the issue of presents and visiting. If your DH is really set, ask him to sit down, draw up a list for gifts, the get online and add up the total. If he is hit with that one big figure, it may help him appreciate the reality. I think presents for the kids and maybe your parents is fine but not aunties, uncles etc. My DSis and BIL and us all go out for a meal iinstead of doing £15 quid presents which are a bit "meh". We have family at the other end of the country and when DS was tiny we went there for Xmas but now we have two who are at the perfect Xmas ages (5 and 3) we have made it clear that we will be AT HOME on Xmas day until they are old enough not to do the whole Father Christmas thing. I want to establish our traditions, our xmas mornings etc. Anyone is welcome to come to us (this year a friend who lost her mum recently is coming) and my family are coming for dinner. we will travel up to them on the 27th and stay til the 2nd. Maybe also suggest to your dh that if you make the savings on presents etc you can afford your own special cheeses and meats etc.

Boldsheep · 26/08/2014 07:46

I think its perfectly acceptable and sensible, to just lay your cards on the table and say that unfortunately due to difficult finances you can only afford to buy for the children. My sister in law did this one year - nothing for the adults and sweets for the children, although we did all buy for her because we love her and giving isnt all about what you receive in return. You may have to accept that if you say you are cash strapped it may make some relatives want to treat you even more! BTW. your H does sound like he is being a bit of a tool with regard to this issue.

marshaF · 26/08/2014 07:56

I have recently had a similar conversation with my DH and he too is reluctant ( at the moment! ) I am just starting maternity and will be on SMP, so not keen to spend modest amount of money I have managed to save on presents. I think he is embarrassed also, as his family spend a lot of money on presents but as they usually just buy gift vouchers for one another it seems crazy to me to pretend that we can afford it to save face. His sister stopped work just before Christmas last year and they did the same thing - no one batted an eyelid as far as I know, and the children of the family had so many presents they didn't even notice! Personally I don't believe it's ever worth going into debt over and hopefully we will end up doing the same ( when I have persuaded DH!)

GoblinLittleOwl · 26/08/2014 08:04

Having a new baby is a perfect reason for breaking with Christmas tyranny tradition and establishing new ones of your own and I think most of your family will understand, particularly the presents situation.
But your husband seems to be the one who is going to be the most difficult as he is still enmeshed in his own family Christmas.
Stick to children's presents only this year, but do some restricted visiting, (2 rather than 4, your parents and his) because I expect everyone will want to see the new baby at Christmas. Doing four lots of visiting with a little baby will not be easy and probably be a surprise/shock for your husband.

waithorse · 26/08/2014 08:20

You can't afford a Christmas tree or gifts for your children other than stockings but spend money on petrol visiting others and on 30 gifts ?? This is madness, put your foot down and put your dc first. Not an easy conversation, but it needs to happen. You can get decent sized faux tree's from Argos/B&Q for less than £10. Good luck.