What to do about Christmas?

[Bustermqc]

We have a BIG family. Every year we do four vIsits to different parts of the country over the Christmas period. We also buy upwards of thirty presents. Both are very expensive ( and yes do shop around, keep presents cheap, do lots of home made and lots of edibles etc).

This year we have a little baby. I have found it stressful any way doing this when the others were babies but it is fun for older DC.

I have suggested to DH we stay at home this year to save cash but he's not having it. We are EXTREMELY strapped for cash at the moment.

Secret Santa ideas etc have been suggested in the past and met with scorn.

So what would you think if you were my relative and had a group email from me being honest that we are struggling for money so could we please not do presents this year (as in they dont buy for us and we dont for thrm). Obviously worded carefully. Would you think it was awful?

Side note there are only three DC other than our own who I would probably just buy for regardless so it hopefully would be too much of a grinch, falling of excited faces scenario.

We found ourselves in a similar situation a few years back as the next generation started to arrive and what went from a little Christmas gift for a pfb suddenly spirralledIn to around 20 presents.

With my extended family we no longer do presents but a trip to a pantomime with all the dc. Lovely chance to see each other and we just pay our own way. With my brother we just get each others dc something from their Christmas list. We club together for my parents and for my db and sil we have a 5 gbp budget, it has become somewhat of a competition to see who can find best, funniest gift etc..

My dps family we stir do the traditional thing. Costs a fortune would love to do like with my family but never going to happen.

For me dp and our dc we each give a small hhomemade or similar gift. ( obviously they get a real present from Santa).

I think it is probably just worthpicking up the phone and speaking to siblings. I expect many of us our in the same boat these days.

Ps we also the long trips visit family would love to do a Christmas at home but just don't ever see it happening - really feel your pain on this one.

Good luck op.

Has it ever occurred to your DH that while he gets to have a lovely trip down memory lane, indulging himself in going 'home' and having that lovely family Christmas just like when he was a boy, his DC are rapidly ending up with no memories of their own family Christmases, none of that special time at home with their own nuclear family at the heart of it, just hours and hours in the car and visit after (admittedly nice, but pretty exhausting and 'best behaviour') visit?

It will be interesting to see what your DH thinks when your children are grown up, his own parents are gone, and he might expect his own children to flock to the family castle bringing his own grandchildren to his feet for a big family Christmas. Do you think he'll have a shock when they don't really know what he's talking about and say to him 'But Dad - to us, we never did have 'family Christmases' - you got to continue maintaining the memories you made with your parents, and as a result we never built those memories at all. Why would we come to you at Christmas? It was never about our family, we never spent Christmas in our childhood home!'

Ask your DH if the reason he now has such treasured memories of Christmas with his parents is because that's what they prioritised - making a magical family Christmas for their children in their family home - or did he spend it on the road, with his own grandparents clearly taking priority? I doubt it, I would expect that your 'lovely' MIL expected then to be the host as she had young children which she put before visiting other relatives. Now she is the elder relative, she still expects to be put first? And your DH lets her? That's crap. Can he not see what he's missing by clinging to the past, and what he's making his children miss out on?

I really don't like the idea of adult men who are lucky enough to have a wonderful family of their own still clinging to a setup where they take the role of 'child'. It's insecure. It says 'I don't have the courage of my own convictions enough to say -my family is just as valid. I'm in the father role now, and I'm going to give as much to it as you did, Mum and Dad.'

I would personally insist on staying home and giving your children some of the lovely memories he clearly treasures so much.

Definitely the year to make a break. I have had this suggested to me by some friends and it's never been a problem. Say so early as well so people don't get buying for you.

maybe I'll do little presents for both our mums (we usually like to spend a bit more on them any way as they are both wonderful to us), children and that be it.

DH and I also didn't give each other presents last year and I think I'll really enjoy Christmas being able to choose things for our little (not actually that little but compared!) family rather than ploughing through te sales trying to find acceptable gifts for a favour and spending weeks cooking up jams and such like. It takes the joy out of giving really because I am just spending all head space on trying to et it affordable.

We tend to do token gifts for adults and spend more on the DCs. Having said that, just worked out what it costs for the adults (smellies - half price in Boots sale on Boxing Day - yes I really am that organized , wine - 3 for £10 deal and chocs) and it still comes to £10 each!! Cutting that out this year. They can just have the half-price smellies!!

If your PIL are that ridiculous about spending money on presents, how about you give them a wish-list? Nappies, wipes, clothes for the baby, bubble bath etc, at least that way it'll be stuff that you can use .

Of course that suggestion is tongue-in-cheek but what a ridiculous amount of money to spend.

If you pop over to the Xmas bargain thread there is a link to get a Tassimo machine for £30 plus £5 postage. Get one of those, send it to MIL and say it's for the whole family while they're there for Xmas!! Chuck in some of the Tassimo Pods (often 3 for £10 deal at Asda) and every adult is sorted!!

Wow how selfish of your dh, did you say nothing last year when you realised you couldn't get s tree? I agree with Castlemilk, he is enjoying his trips down memory lane and the expense of your children, I'd let him off on his own this year and I'd stay and home with my children and a tree and make my own memories, he sounds like a selfish git to be honest.

Your email idea is fine but I would just not go and let him off

The Bit that struck me was your MIL being woe is me about empty nest if your DH doesn't come on Christmas Day itself. That would piss me right off. I'm all for families being together at Christmas but surely once your DCs have families of their own you expect priorities to change?

Or yeah, exactly what castlemilk said

I don't understand these unreasonable husbands. I'm going to be heavily pregnant at Christmas and suggested to my husband that I might not feel up to visiting people. He's immediately told the whole family that we're staying home and if people want to see us then they can come here! We've also decided on no presents as I'll be on maternity.

So just lay down the law, tell your husband to stop being a selfish baby, and just tell everyone there'll be no gifts. I would expect people to understand. It baffles me when people don't.

Ooh I feel excited at the thought of Christmas with our little one!!

Tbf to DH this is the first year I have suggested it and am a bit putting words in his mouth. But I do agree the premise is selfish and pathetic. They are quite a nuclear family (grown up other DCs still live at home despite being older) whereas mine is so big and sprawling we are more independent. Have been brought up in such a different way. Mother still spends her days picking up bits for someone or doing their laundry etc. v different from how I was raised!

DH is an excellent man but notorious for being too concerned about keeping his mum happy. I do also really agree that its not fair that she gets to keep her vision of a family Christmas and we don't get to create our own.

I think we should stay at home and maybe host a mini Christmas party at ours? (tea party so no money on booze...?) and say you can all come or not come. And also no presents. and no smiling, or laughter.

"I do also really agree that its not fair that she gets to keep her vision of a family Christmas and we don't get to create our own. "

But it's up to you to claim that "family vision" for yourself. It won't be given to you.
In many families it's the woman who makes christmas "happen"- as sexist as that is, it seems the way.

When I have my children I staked my claim - no travelling on christmas day, no traipsing around the country spending the whole christmas period in cars or trains.
That's no fun at all.

Maybe leave out about how strapped for cash you are especially if your dp is not happy about the change of plan. Just say it is because you are so busy with new baby and you'd prefer to stick to pressie for children only instead from now on. Could you alternate years for visiting. Depending on age of dc, it will get harder to maintain a routine with such a busy schedule as dc get older anyway

Every christmas when the kids were little we'd traipse round all the relatives. We'd get home early evening and the kids would be ready for bed. Boxing day was the day we stayed at home and got to play with all their presents.

One year due to illness we had christmas at home, what a relief that was, wish we'd done it years before.

I have always thought it was a little sad taking kids out on christmas day- Santa has been, but you can't play with youtr toys because we have to visit relatives.

Christmas is all about the children really, and seeing them have a great day is the most important thing.

My siblings and I decided ages ago just to buy for each others' children, not for each other. It certainly takes the pressure off. One of my sisters has no kids so we've crept back to buying for her though she was quite happy for us not to.

OP, you need to put your foot down! If you have a baby in the house as well as other DC you can't be expected to go travelling around visiting relatives across the country.

Last year was the first Christmas that I spent with DH in all the many years we've been together. His DM didn't like it one bit and did the same thing about her empty nest (even though she had a full house with lots of DC, and my DM came to ours for food and then went home and spent Christmas evening alone). She also did the same thing about the food, and absolutely insisted on having a separate Christmas day on boxing day - along with party hats, crackers and all the trimmings. She then complained when we didn't go down every day of the Christmas holidays!

This year we will have a baby in the house, I can't see me going anywhere else! No thanks!

Definitely stay home, Christmas is so special when you get to spend it with just your partner and children. Before having DD we used to spend Christmas morning at MIL's and the afternoon at my parents'. Fine when you don't have children, but we found when we had DD it meant a super speedy 30mins to open all her presents before getting us all fed, dressed, and out the house. There was no time to relax and enjoy it, and she was so over tired by the end of it that she spent hours screaming before finally going to sleep. We made excuses last year and spent it at home - twas so wonderful! We now plan to go to one Christmas Eve and the other Boxing Day but to keep Christmas for ourselves. Stand firm and ignore your MIL's guilt trips.

These are the people I buy for every year:

my dc
my partner
my parents
my niece

that's it. I don't send a single xmas card and stay at home every year,I don't visit anyone!

I buy for
DH
DC
Mother.
MIL
SIL
BIL

This year my neice and her OH are staying with us for 10 days over chistmas ( they live abroad) so will need to give them gifts too- and a stocking as although in her 30s never had a christmas stocking or a christmas tree ( fundamental christians).

Demonic auntie will change all that.

D'you know, I was dreading last year because we finally decided, after 2 serious illnesses and another crisis, that the adults would not buy each other presents. I thought it would be sad and dreary but it was a blessed relief and Christmas was more fun as a result. We've decided to make the arrangement permanent.

The way it works is that we don't get our siblings or siblings-in-law or cousins presents any more. We buy for the young nephews and nieces, our children, partners and parents. Aunts and uncles get a general family present that is pretty modest. They send us the same. At the moment I do give money to the adult nephews and nieces though.

So I say go ahead and tell everyone (don't ask) you can't afford to do it. This is one area you really do get to present a fait accompli you can't do presents this year. Only a complete arsehole would mind, given the reason, and you may be surprised how many people would like to change the very demanding status quo given a chance.

And if it isn't accepted, please don't put too much effort in and exhaust yourself. Let your DH do his family, and you do your own. Modestly.

Castlemilk Tue 26-Aug-14 08:24:41
"Has it ever occurred to your DH that while he gets to have a lovely trip down memory lane, indulging himself in going 'home' and having that lovely family Christmas just like when he was a boy, his DC are rapidly ending up with no memories of their own family Christmases, none of that special time at home with their own nuclear family at the heart of it, just hours and hours in the car and visit after (admittedly nice, but pretty exhausting and 'best behaviour') visit?"

^^ This, a thousand times over.

In fact, I agree with everything that Castlemilk says in her excellent post. Christmas is a time to put the children in the centre, and your husband IS NO LONGER THE CHILD, no matter how his parents & siblings favour him. It is time for him to grow the fuck up act like a father and make Christmas memories for them, that they will cherish. I was so happy when my mum put her foot down and we stopped going to my dad's parents for Christmas. I still have memories of Christmases there, and they are grim and grey. Unlike the shiny red memories of our Christmases at home, just we four.

And as for your MIL - " She is lovely but when we weren't there for actual Christmas day (came after) she was very woeful about her empty nest (her DH and other DC were all there)." - WTF? Another one who needs to grow up and cut the apron strings.

So, in your shoes, I would point out everything Castlemilk has said and put my foot down. Your idea of hosting a "mini Christmas party at ours? (tea party so no money on booze...?)" is an excellent idea. FWIW, as I have the youngest child of the family, I am now the family host . I get to stay in my house and everyone comes here. DS's Christmas memories are of being in his own house with his wider family.

And raising the 'no presents except for the children' - no reasonable person would have a problem with that. As adults, we mostly have everything, so additional 'stuff' in the form of presents is just something to find space in a drawer for bah humbug leanings on adult presents.

Good luck, and merry Christmas when it comes!

Our Christmas's used to be the same every year. Then a few years ago me and DH decided we wanted a change. Result is a much happier less stressful time. I really enjoy it now. There were a few grumbles from some of our extended family, but now they have accepted it.

We only do big presents for under 16's now too. A few other people get bottle of wine or box of nice biscuits. I wouldn't buy any of that if it meant my DC missing out though.

We would find all that travelling about the country stressful and so would our DC. Put your family first.
Also could you make decorations/presents/cards with your DC? You can find xmas trees/decs in charity shops.