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Original poster

To think my now ex friend is out of order for behaving like this?

28 replies

MidnightButterfly81 · 25/08/2014 19:18

Hi... This is my first post but have been lurking on here for a while.

I will try to keep it short and to the point. Five years ago I met a girl at work and we quickly became close friends, got on really well, spent a lot of time together. She moved a year ago a while away from me, new job and I felt we drifted a bit but thought it was inevitable tbh.

In April my Mum died suddenly, she had the all clear from breast cancer in October but started having headaches/sickness in March, some cancer cells had travelled to the brain before she had had the lump removed and laid dormant for the 5 months Sad she was in hospital for 6 days before dying and it has been hell, the worst time of my life.Life has been a blur and I have been struggling a lot.

My friend has only visited me once in all this time I was really upset by her lack of communication when my other friends have really rallied round me. So I did something very immature and deleted her from fb. She text me yesterday to ask why I had done this and I explained I felt hurt by her lack of support. She said to me she didn't know what to say and that she had text me and said anytime I need her to call etc I said I hadn't felt like I could reach out. She said that I hadn't been there for her the last few weeks, she had been in hospital ( I saw it on fb and asked if she was ok) she said a real friend whatever their problems should be there and she is sorry my mum died but there is nothing anyone can do!!
I said we have been friends for 5 years and would be crazy to throw it away but she says no that's it now and she wishes me all the best .
I am so upset and can't believe she has walked away from me at a time like this. I know it was childish to delete from fb and i apologised for doing that. I know I am not a perfect friend,

OP posts:
Original poster
MidnightButterfly81 · 25/08/2014 19:20

Ops pressed send too fast! Do you think this is ok from a supposed best friend??

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2014 19:26

I am so sorry to hear about your mum Flowers, I think this is affecting the way you are looking at it. You said that she moved away and you both drifted apart, tbh I would nit have expected much from her. Did she know your mum had cancer and the outcome? You said she visited, so she dud make some effort. Mabey just give it time, and mabey text or call her later on.

Groovee · 25/08/2014 19:27

Friendship works 2 ways. Maybe after some time for you both to reflect she may be open to talking again.

The facebook thing sounds like it's hurt her as much as you feel hurt by her.

PortofinoRevisited · 25/08/2014 19:27

So she has been in hospital and you basically ignored that, but you still expect her to drop everything for you? I would say that the friendship is not that strong anymore and leave it tbh.

Catzeyess · 25/08/2014 19:28

What was she in hospital for?

Did she text you at all about your mum, or just completely ignore it?

Sorry for your loss Thanks can't imagine how hard that must be xx

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2014 19:28

You seem to make it about you, dud you find out what was wrong with her that she was in hospital. Did you visit her? I think you are being very unfair, tbh I don't blame her for being hurt.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2014 19:30

You did not say she was your best friend in your op. You drifted apart that was that. It works both ways, you expected her to be there for you, but were you for her?

LynetteScavo · 25/08/2014 19:32

You sound very similar to each other TBH.

She wasn't there for you...you weren't there for her, you then deleted her from FB. She hasn't walked away from you, you pushed her away after feeling she hasn't supported you.

I would leave it. You obviously can't give each other what the other one wants atm.

redexpat · 25/08/2014 19:34

She may honestly not have known whar kind of support to offer. A lot of people dont, and dont know what to say. Id give the friendship a break and try and rekindle at a later time.

Bowlersarm · 25/08/2014 19:34

I think you're being unfair on her. She visited you, let you know she would always be there for you, and for her efforts you deleted her?

Then she was in hospital, and you didn't bother to visit her, just a quick enquiry whether she was ok?

Hmm, sorry OP, I can kind of see her point of view.

SaucyJack · 25/08/2014 19:34

I don't think she's been out of order, no. You've both had crap to deal with and neither of you were there for each other so you're neck and neck on that one.

But having a FB strop wasn't the way to deal with it- and I can't 100% blame her if she thinks you're more trouble than you're worth right now. Tantrums aren't the way to get what you want.

MyrnaLoy · 25/08/2014 19:36

I'm so sorry about your mum.

Grief skews absolutely everything. For a while it is impossible to see anything except through the prism of your own pain. I think that makes now a really bad time to make any big decisions, or do anything which could be permanent.

So maybe let things lie for a little bit?

It sounds like she is very hurt too, and the important thing is not to measure her pain against yours. That becomes a horribly limiting way to live your life (and won't make you feel better either).

Original poster
MidnightButterfly81 · 25/08/2014 19:38

I guess I have made it all about me though I haven't meant to. I think I am just so consumed by my feelings, i have a brother that is very depressed and I have been trying to help him and I have been in a state of shock and sadness I think.
I know the fb thing was stupid.
She was in hospital with low iron levels and was in for one night in a hosp where she lives so would have been difficult. She was the first friend I told about mum and I think in did expect too much as we weren't as close as we were.
I have always been there for her in the past and I figured this was one of those big things that she should drop other things for.

OP posts:
ithoughtofitfirst · 25/08/2014 19:40

Sorry about your mum Flowers

ithoughtofitfirst · 25/08/2014 19:41

Can you do a clean slate?

Original poster
MidnightButterfly81 · 25/08/2014 19:42

Thanks for replies xx
I did check on her to see if she was ok. I am glad to have other points of view. I think because my world has changed suddenly I am being selfish and not seeing her side of it.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 25/08/2014 19:42

Maybe give it a bit of time and try and rekindle the frendship when emotions aren't running so high (and if you both want to).

Sorry about your mum.

Viviennemary · 25/08/2014 19:44

I don't think it's anybody's fault. But if she was only in hospital for one night it doesn't sound so serious to me. I'ms sorry about your Mum. I think you should leave it for a few weeks and then get in touch. And if she says no then I'd just move on and leave it at that. But I know it's hurtful when a friendship ends.

Catzeyess · 25/08/2014 19:45

It's totally understandable that you are consumed by your feelings. Fwiw I think you are expecting a bit too much from your friend and being unreasonable, having low iron is exhausting and it can be hard to get out of bed with it so I don't think you are being completely fair on her. However no-one behaves completely rationally when feeling grief so don't beat yourself up. If you have genuinely apologised for the fb thing and she is still not wanting to see you then there is not much else you can do. It might blow over in time. Don't waste energy being angry look after yourself.

Brodicea · 25/08/2014 19:46

I'm with myrna - let things lie for a while.

It's hard to think clearly at the moment: maybe you did lash out and do something rash, but you went with your feelings rightly or wrongly. Why not give yourself a break on this one and maybe get back in touch if you find you still miss her in a few months.

Itsfab · 25/08/2014 19:47

I don't think you are being selfish.

Cancer is completely different from one night in hospital due to low iron levels.

You did ask her if she was okay.

You have had a bereavement. You are allowed to feel let down when you don't feel supported.

SaucyJack · 25/08/2014 19:47

Are her parents both still alive?

Might sound like a tasteless question, but my own dad died in June and the only friends who ever mention it (past the first condolences) are those who've also lost a parent. Other people don't "get" it and that you don't forget about it after a fortnight or so.

MyrnaLoy · 25/08/2014 19:52

Oh Saucy that's so true...

Original poster
MidnightButterfly81 · 25/08/2014 19:53

Thanks everyone. Her dad died when she was 15, I know that was a terrible time for her.
I think some posters are right and I should leave it for a bit and wait till things are a bit clearer in my head xx

OP posts:
LapsedTwentysomething · 25/08/2014 19:54

I am in a similar situation albeit that my mum is dealing with cancer currently. We have recently lost a young family member to cancer.

I have found it really hard to deal with the lack of support from a number of people, particularly family but also some newer friends. I have done with them and have deleted from Facebook, but I do actually mean that I'm cutting them out of my life. I do not want to share my thoughts, experiences and family photos with people who can't be there for us or who I don't feel I know well enough any more.

I haven't apologised for it though and I won't be rekindling contact when things are rosier. I need real friends and family who can be supportive and involved at the moment. I don't want bystanders in my life.

Perhaps your friendship has simply run its course.