To check it's not normal to be spoken to like this?

[ToughTimes1]

I feel like I'm going mad sometimes but think I've just had a very uncomfortable lightbulb moment in my marriage.

My DH has just told me to 'F*k off' several times during a minor row, and when I told him it was disgusting to be spoken to like this and I didn't want to be in a marriage like this he said 'You're going to divorce me now you fing bitch? Divorce me then. You're going to take my son off me you Fing bitch? Go on then.' I then went to leave the room and he was in my face, hand on my shoulder, not wanting me to go (with anger, not out of apology), I told him to leave me alone, get his hands off me etc. and as I walked by he pushed me saying something like 'F off, bitch' again. The push wasn't any more than a tap - it isn't right though is it? And as for the language and losing his temper so quickly, I feel he is completely out of control.

Believe it or not, we have a very close, affectionate, stuff in common, laugh a lot relationship, he is a fantastic Dad and always there for me blah blah, but when we row it is horrible. We've had a bad patch recently and I've begun to wonder if he is quite emotionally abusive as he's very 'good' at arguing and I'm often left feeling like I'm to blame when the starting point is he's snapped at me or said something not very nice, etc. etc. Anyway, we were trying to work on things, and I was beginning to accept this 10% unreasonable behaviour, as he was trying to not speak to me badly / lose his temper easily. However I am now upstairs shaking and thinking that it really isn't normal is it? Our arguments never feel healthy, I never feel I get to have my say, and things always seem to get turned around.

Does anyone else's DP speak to them this way whilst still having a good relationship? Or have I had my head up my arse for 7 years?

I haven't posted this in relationships as I really do want to know what is normal - or not, and I guess most people in relationships have been in bad relationships and I want to be given it straight / objectively.

Thanks.

I honestly can't recall DH ever telling me to fuck off, ever, in eight years. And we argue; that's normal. Swearing is not that unusual in anger. But swearing AT someone is different. And the push is definitely NOT ok. So, no, it isn't normal I'm afraid. And I speak as someone who tolerated a very violent and abusive relationship from an ex.
And please don't try to water down what he does or justify it - a push is a push.
It isn't normal or healthy.
It's almost impossible to reason with someone who can out-argue you. Is suggest Relate ASAP so he can see from an outsider how wrong his behaviour is.
Do not put up with this - you are worth more

My ex used to do this. I remember him stomping around downstairs slamming doors and raging what an f'ing bitch I was (over and over). I never told anyone because I knew that once I said it out loud I would have to leave. I used to be scared that he'd completely flip, and by the end I actually used to tense up walking into my street.

I was so relieved when I left (after 5 years) and wished I'd gone earlier.

My dh was like this when he became depressed. I left him. He went to the doctor and got medication and counselling. We then went to relate to rebuild our relationship. It took me leaving for him to realise he had an aggression issues. It took me going to relate for me to realise I needed to stop chasing him around the house once an argument started to try and make my point. It took a while but we learned how to argue sensibly iykwim, to able to make points without turning into an argument and when to give dh some space

"When to give dh some space"

You mean walk on eggshells round him?

What would happen if you didn't give him space?

It's fine, normal and healthy to give people space to calm down and think things through. It's not normal, fine and healthy to have to back off and not seek a resolution because if you pursue a theme, the threat of violence returns.

Re going to relationship counselling, Relate won't see couples where abuse is a factor and it definitely is here, though not all counsellors are good enough to recognise it. But your DH has an abusive mindset. In cases such as Myrna has described, counselling can be brilliant and things like CBT can work wonders, but her DH always knew it was his problem and never tried to dump it on her. That's not what you're dealing with OP.

It's not your fault for not spotting it earlier btw. Please don't blame yourself for being a normal woman in our culture. You didn't cause this and there's no reason why you should have some special powers of discernment that enable you to spot abusive behaviour from a DP when the whole of your culture is telling you that the behaviour only becomes a deal-breaker when it escalates to regular physical violence.

To me it's normal but over the past couple of years I realise its not and despite some counselling I don't think anything will change. I am trying to put in place an exit plan but feel really helpless and unsure. I could have written your post but just replace bitch with cunt and that's all.

OP I think you know that his behaviour is abusive. You are already modifying your behaviour so you don't set him off and even at 15 months your ds is going to pick up on this and start doing the same. He is not a fantastic father, fantastic fathers do not show their children how to abuse their mother.
You can stay with him and walk on eggshells, accepting the abuse and the fact that your son may grow up to be the same.

Zombie thread but wondering how things worked out for you OP? I’m currently in your shoes, with 2DCs. I don’t know what to do I’m feeling so low.