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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to rip ex's head off over his comment to 5yr old DD?

78 replies

iProcrastinate · 24/08/2014 18:49

Ok, excuse my fuming-ness - I've had this recounted to me by an upset 5yr old!

ExH and his new GF took DD out for a day, he hasn't seen her in a few months and GF hadn't met DD before, but they wanted to take her for a day to a local attraction. DD was keen to go. This I have no problem with.

Apparently, at some point during the day DD had been playing and another person, innocently, said something along the lines of "you look like you're having a nice day out with mummy and daddy" - DD apparently said "that's not my mummy" and ExH stepped in and said to the person that it was, and later said to DD that his GF was "her other mummy", said that she should call her mummy because she was the same as her mummy.

DD was quiet when they dropped her off which I expected as she would be tired, but later recounted the story to me and got upset, I think she was confused by the whole thing.

My inner tiger mother wants to rip ExH's head, just for confusing and upsetting DD, but I wanted to check first whether I was being silly! AIBU?

OP posts:

Delphiniumsblue · 25/08/2014 07:46

I expect Hurr1cane is right- enough to freak gf out and she will likely run a mile! Can't think of a woman who would be happy with that in first meeting!!
Which is why I would play it down- can't think she will last long if he does that sort of thing!

diggerdigsdogs · 25/08/2014 07:55

Another step mother here and it's totally not on.

Yanbu. Give him both barrels!

Delphiniumsblue · 25/08/2014 08:10

GF has probably given him both barrels- I bet she was just as horrified!

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 25/08/2014 08:27

YANBU

Poor wee mite :(

However, I wouldn't waste my energy on trying to 'sort it out' with the utter fucking idiot. I'd wait until he asks to see DD again, ask DD if she wants to go or not and take it from there. If she does, explain quite calmly that any nonsense about gf being 'the same as her Mummy' or having to call her Mummy - or anything else that upsets DD and it will be the last time he gets unsupervised visits. Icy cold and deadly serious. IF DD doesn't want to go, tell him 'No' and why, and that it will be a cold day in hell before you make her spend time with such an idiot - father or not.

I hope it scared the gf right off

I hope you and DD have a lovely day together today and she doesn't keep fretting about it.

bananaleaf · 25/08/2014 08:29

I'm a step mum too and would have been embarrassed and felt very awkward if my DH said that when I first met my DSD. She calls me by my name. If people mistake me for her mother when we are out we either correct them or give each other a little smile and wink. Having said that she has been brought up to call her stepfather Dad.

Thumbwitch · 25/08/2014 08:34

What an utter fuckwit he is. And she's his new GF, who met your DD for the first time - and for all anyone knows, it could be the last time, eh? since he hasn't bothered with your DD for months, by the time he gets around to bothering again, current GF might have been replaced. Is the next one going to be your DD's new new "mummy"?

Please do rip his head off and shove it up his arse, as that's clearly where his mouth and brain already are.

PlacidApricots · 25/08/2014 08:35

My mom had a boyfriend when I was little, he took us out one day and at one point I referred to him by his name, and he told me "You don't call me X you call me Dad" Told DM as soon as I got home, she went mental at him, and dumped him, they had been together a couple of months I think, and the whole step parent conversation hadn't even come up...completely unacceptable.

Thegreatunslept · 25/08/2014 08:36

Another step-mum here.
I'd not be comfortable if dsd ever called me mum/mummy as I am not her parent. I am her brothers mummy and her dads fiancée but I am not her mum.
She has her mum and dad.
She has asked before 'what are you to me?' I replied with I am your (my first name) and I love you lots!
End of conversation.
She has also corrected people before when they have assumed she is my daughter! She's says 'that's not my mummy that's my (first name).

sashh · 25/08/2014 08:44

What exactly is a good thing to say? Saying that they are not mine sounds so offensive to them, but saying nothing is disrespectful to their DMum.

I wish I could take all the credit, but they were (insert ages) before I met their dad.

Or something along those lines.

I think you are very restrained in not having already ripped his head off, it's not like he is using it.
I also agree with gentlehoney

IceRocket · 25/08/2014 08:47

It is not unusual to have step parents or parents partners etc now so there is no reason anyone should feel uncomfortable about it. As for dd's dad he's behaving like a nob and yanbu.

KoalaDownUnder · 25/08/2014 09:10

What exactly is a good thing to say? Saying that they are not mine sounds so offensive to them, but saying nothing is disrespectful to their DMum.

I wish I could take all the credit, but they were (insert ages) before I met their dad.

Oh, that is perfect!!

scrimper · 25/08/2014 09:30

YANBU. My ex recently introduced his NEW girlfriend to my children and without telling me she came on holiday with them. He told my girls that they are going to get Married and she will be their step Mum. They had been together around 6 weeks at this point. I Thought that was bad enough but to ask her to call her Mum is just odd.

My partner is called by his first name most of the time, although my girls often want to call him Daddy because we also have 2 children together who obviously call him Daddy. So we leave them to it. But their Bio Dad has said to them that he doesn't mind if they call my DP Dad, as we all know that he is more of a Dad to them. We wouldn't ever tell them to call him that though and they call him by their First name 99% of the time. And refer to him as their "Step Dad" most of the time. Although I have heard them telling people he is their Dad when they think I am not in ear shot which I just take as a compliment to him as he is a fantastic father figure to them, unlike their Bio Dad.

I don't have much advice though as I am very good at loosing my Temper with ExH but it has never got me anywhere unfortunately.

JamaicanMeCrazy · 25/08/2014 10:05

My dcs call dp "dad" (though out of choice rather than us ever calling him that, though I do now refer to him as dad to them as they have corrected me when I call him by his first name ) but he is the one who looks after them day to day and is more of a dad to them than their actual dad has ever been. They do still see their dad occasionally (though the 2 year old had no clue who he is tbh as dp and I have been together since she was tiny) but even at their ages (almost 6 and 7 respectively) they are very aware of who is there for them and who isn't and feel that dp is their dad. In conversation with others they will refer to him as their dad (but often clarify that he is their step dad) and exh has said he doesn't really care ad long as he is their dad too, which he of course is and always will be. I think exh understands to an extent as he too has had a step dad from a young age and calls him and his own father dad too.

In your situation though op I would be upset, if exh were to expect the dcs to call his gf mum as they do not live with him and very rarely see either of them so it would be strange. I know that makes me sound a total hypocrite but it is a different situation to the dcs calling the man that they live with full time (exh has less than one days contact per month) and who is bringing them up "dad"

MyLifeIsFictional · 25/08/2014 10:38

My DS has known my OH since he was 11 but calls him by his first name. OH does treat him as his child BUT has never called himself Dad to him and I doubt ever will. DS does go to him for advice rather than his bio Dad anyway.

The relationship is there and it's how they both like it.

I also am a step-mum by way of relationship but have never met his sons so would never refer to myself as such. If I ever do meet them then I will be my first name.

springydaffs · 25/08/2014 11:20

My ex did this. I said 'new wife is your wife. That's it'. He didn't like it, neither did new wife. Too bad, that'll never change despite nw doing everything in her power to delete me out of the picture . let's hope gf has a sensible head on her shoulders. No, wait: she's with ex, so it's not a given ... But let's hope so eh.

Yadnbu. I'll look out for the earth tremour when you inform him of his mistake.

MsMarvel · 25/08/2014 12:01

Yanbu. Stuff like this should always be led by the child.

There's been a couple of times where I've been out with my dsd and my dp, and someone might make a comment about 'mummy and daddy' and dsd doesn't correct them. She knows I'm not her mummy, and afterwards she might comment on how other people think that we are a mummy an daddy and daughter, but she doesn't seem to mind the concept. If it's just a passing comment from a stranger I don't bother correcting, if it's any more in depth than that I'll correct them.

So while the idea of a step parent being called parent isn't necessarily a bad one, this situation isn't even that if your daughter had just met the woman, and if your dd wasn't happy with it then it shouldn't have happened.

Original poster

iProcrastinate · 25/08/2014 12:59

So, I had it out with him, he was apologetic over upsetting DD and claims he did encourage that because he wanted DD to feel like she was having 'a nice family day out, like a nice family, so she would feel comfortable'. He slipped something in about DD not usually knowing what it would feel like to be part of 'a nice family' (I'm single, by choice, he has a problem with DD being from a broken home, despite him doing the breaking).

I kicked his ass, made it very clear that it was not ok, he defended himself with the above line. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat tool

OP posts:

springydaffs · 25/08/2014 13:18

Moron.

At least he 'listened' though up to a point

todayisnottheday · 25/08/2014 13:25

Lol what a prize turkey! So he thinks he can rescue dd from your evil lifestyle choice (a result of his life decisions) by setting up a new nuclear family for her

Let's hope his partner has her head screwed on straight. Certainly, if he was my partner, he'd be kicked into touch he'd be set very very right on a few things!

HolyQuadrityDrinkFeckArseGirls · 25/08/2014 13:29

What a thicko. Although that would be too lenient to call him that.

WestEast · 25/08/2014 13:31

We had something similar when we were out with my DSD at the park. I responded with a 'oh DSD already has a lovely mummy, me and DSD are friends and I'm her daddy's girlfriend'
If my DP tried pulling this shit I'd be wanting to give him an ear bashing on his exW's behalf!

Thumbwitch · 25/08/2014 15:15

OMFG. He's blaming you for staying single after he fucked you over? (An entirely understandable response to being fucked over, and to having a small child, btw)
He's even more of an arse. Even if he was apologetic for upsetting your DD, something he maybe should have thought of beforehand, and actually it still doesn't cover his idiocy properly.

PosyFossilsShoes · 25/08/2014 16:31

What did his GF do? I've been mistaken for a friend's child's mother before and I just laughed and said "Much as I'd love to have such a wonderful child, she's X's daughter." Surely she had a responsibility to step in and not just sit there like three o'clock half struck?

He sounds like a prize ass.

Itsfab · 25/08/2014 17:03

Mummy Girlfriends Name is a stupid suggestion given they have been together five minutes and it is the first time they have met.

Mummy has huge meaning. Don't piss all over it by deciding a new lover is a Mummy figure.

OP, remind him he did the breaking if he uses that bollocks again.

Saying he won't like your new man being called Daddy won't help if he id a dead beat dad. He will just be happy to have got rid of the responsibility.

diddl · 25/08/2014 20:59

i suggested it thinking that the ex might be insisting on the Gf being called mummy somehow, not because I think that it's deserved.

he's a complete prat though if he thinks that calling a random (to OPs daughter) woman "mummy" will make her feel better about a day out with dad & a stranger.

to actually lie to a stranger about it makes it seem as if he wants to play at families with new GF at any rate.

Wonder how she feels?

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