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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable about exH's new girlfriend?

40 replies

extremepie · 24/08/2014 18:15

ExH and I broke up last year and since feb he has been in a new relationship with a woman with 2 daughters, who he also lives with.

Our boys have gone to visit him and will be staying in the house with her and her daughters so I thought it would make sense to make contact with his new gf since they will be staying with her and I've never met her so we made contact through Facebook.

She often messages me 'from ex' as in (ex) says....or (ex) wants you to know.... and so far every message I've had from her has been very frosty in tone :/ I know that we're probably not going to end up best friends but I would like us to be amicable and it bothers me that she's 'off' with me.

Aibu and over sensitive? Should I just accept that she will probably always be like that with me as I'm the ex wife or should I try and sort it?

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ArsenicyOldFace · 24/08/2014 18:24

Could your ex be stirring things?

Does she ssm like a nincompoop generally? Or just in this regard?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/08/2014 18:33

You thought it would "make sense" to make contact with his new g/f but she obviously didn't think so. She can be as frosty as she likes: she doesn't have a relationship with you and possibly never will. There is no "sorting" to be done. Perhaps it would be better only discuss stuff to do with your children with their father.

gobbynorthernbird · 24/08/2014 18:34

I don't think there was any need for the pair of you to have this kind of contact, and she probably feels put on the spot.

WorraLiberty · 24/08/2014 18:36

Are you sure she's using a frosty tone and not just the tone of someone who doesn't know you?

HerRoyalNotness · 24/08/2014 18:37

Look, she doesn't know you and emailing is without emotion. I sometimes email the xW on DHs behalf and keep if factual and to the point. I do nt go in for the how are you, how are the kids etc, love and kisses as I don't know her and it would come across as false. If you don't like her messages, contact your X and leave her out of it.

Happy36 · 24/08/2014 18:38

What do your children say about her? Do they like her? Do they come back from her home happy? If not, then worry, but if not, don´t.

spine · 24/08/2014 18:41

I think it's great that you're trying to make contact for the benefit of your kids.

You do say however that she messages you with messages from your ex. What is your relationship with him like? Are you on speaking terms?

If you haven't got a generally good relationship with your ex I think it's unlikely you'll have one with his gf. He may be poisoning the well...

Original poster
extremepie · 24/08/2014 18:42

It could be worra, I don't really know her well enough to know either way!

Bitter, I don't contact her with things to do with the boys but often she will message me on his behalf, for example she messaged me to let me know the boys had arrived safely, not him, not sure why this is the case?

It's entirely possible that ex has given her a sob story (especially since I ended our relationship) but I have no way of knowing and I can't really ask!

Like I said, I'm not expecting to be her best friend but if she's in my boys' lives I would prefer if she and I were on good terms :)

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mathsgsceresit · 24/08/2014 18:43

You and she aren't friends.

It's odd to have her on FB and she probably is going for factual rather than showing emotion.

Original poster
extremepie · 24/08/2014 18:47

Ex and I do have a amicable relationship, we speak on the phone so I'm not sure why she feels the need to message on his behalf :/

The boys haven't met her until a week ago, ex lives about 300 miles away and has not seen them since Christmas until now so I've not had the chance to ask them yet :)

Now he's working I have started asking for money from him as I've had nothing so far, I wonder if that has anything to do with it?

I don't have her email or phone number, just Facebook messages :)

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ArsenicyOldFace · 24/08/2014 18:48

for example she messaged me to let me know the boys had arrived safely, not him, not sure why this is the case?

Could be his insistence, or hers, or convenience. Could be you friending her has been taken as an odd gesture for some reason, or that he has encouraged that view.

Almost impossible to guess, isn't it? Most people and situations soften in time Smile

mathsgsceresit · 24/08/2014 18:51

She may not feel it's appropriate to be on good terms with you.

ArsenicyOldFace · 24/08/2014 18:55

Or just be awed/intimidated/shy.

Sometimes it would be so blooming useful to be able to mind-read.

One of my ExH's girlfriends just used to sit in the car and glower. Thankfully she didn't last long, I was getting worried the DC would notice.

Original poster
extremepie · 24/08/2014 19:03

Yes I bloody wish I could mind read!

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FunkyBoldRibena · 24/08/2014 19:07

No, don't message her. Unless your ex is unavoidably detained and you have to speak; keep it to the two of you. Why on earth you needed to be in contact through facebook baffles me.

Castlemilk · 24/08/2014 19:07

Just rise above.

She doesn't have to have a relationship with you. If she's choosing to do the mailing, it's because she wants to piss on her territory, and she'd rather email herself with added frost than to see him emailing you. So, she's probably quite insecure. Especially as you ended it.

You don't need to be friends, so feel sorry for her insecurities, be friendly, and in time maybe she will relax and feel better. But if she doesn't - so what. As long as she is nice to your DC, that's all that counts.

Castlemilk · 24/08/2014 19:08

Oh and yes do the contacting with him if possible.

Original poster
extremepie · 24/08/2014 19:10

Well I thought it would be a good idea to get to know my ex's new partner on a basic level, especially since I have never met her and she is spending 10 days with my sons!

I have no idea what sort of people she is and I think it's fair enough as their mother to have a general idea of a person they will be spending a significant amount of time with :)

Also, I don't message her, she messages me.

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Original poster
extremepie · 24/08/2014 19:12

Sorry castlemilk, that was for Funky!

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Original poster
extremepie · 24/08/2014 19:12

Person she is, not people!

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Fairenuff · 24/08/2014 19:13

It can be difficult to read tone correctly in a text message or email. Talk to your dp and ask him to deal with her messages directly, there is no need to be that involved.

Cabrinha · 24/08/2014 19:15

She's 300 miles away. Whatever your good intentions, you can't get to know her.
You should be speaking to your ex about the kids, not her.
My best guess is she's suspicious about your best pal motives and mailing on his behalf to stake her claim. Probably way off , but it's ALL guess work.
She's not your mate. Leave it be!

KellyElly · 24/08/2014 19:19

But if you didn't like the sort of person she was that would make no difference to whether your children would be spending time with her or not. I would find it very odd if my ex friended on FB any future partners I had and I wouldn't do with his.

WorraLiberty · 24/08/2014 19:20

When you say 'we made contact on facebook', who sent the friend request?

Original poster
extremepie · 24/08/2014 19:20

So what should I do if she messages me in the future?

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