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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DPiL to breech my sanctuary

46 replies

BloodyUserName · 24/08/2014 10:07

I do know I am really, I'm just venting.

My DPiL are lovely but feel the need to be involved in everything we do. They come over uninvited and unannounced, have invited themselves on days out and holidays (and look wounded if we dare to say no, we'd like a little time to ourselves). We even have to play things down to try and avoid them wanting to go. They are lovely and we do do lots of fun things with them.

Now I have bought a piece of land and am growing fruit and veg on it, it is my space and sanctuary from the world - I go there when I want peace and tranquility. My cabbages are my stress vent. DPiL insist they want to see it - I don't know why, it's not pretty. I know it's only a small thing but I really don't want them to - it's mine and I don't want to share it!! Selfish only child moment I know but I share the whole of my life with others (DH, DPiL etc) and I just want a little piece for me.

It's lovely that they see me as an extension to their family but they don't recognise that me and DH are also our own little unit too.

OP posts:

PlacidApricots · 24/08/2014 10:10

YANBU, I can't verbalise why, but you are definitely not unreasonable.

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 24/08/2014 10:10

Just stall them indefinately. Nice and airy, keep it light, but commit to absolutely nothing. You have every right to a little piece of privacy for yourself.

Goldmandra · 24/08/2014 10:10

Do they know where it is and, if they see it, will they then start returning, uninvited? If so YANBU to maintain a sanctuary where you won't have unexpected guests.

LadySybilLikesCake · 24/08/2014 10:13

They sound very overbearing TBH. It's unreasonable of them to invite themselves on your days out/holidays, you need to stop telling them when and where you're going. I get that they have invaded every other part of your life so you want this for yourself. Tell them you're going to go there for a little 'me' time and it's your private place. If they start moaning, just ignore them. If they keep asking, say once that you've said no, and ignore them. Don't tell them about your days out or holidays, you are allowed some time with your children and DH without them tagging along.

Your secret garden sounds lovely

Mrsgrumble · 24/08/2014 10:13

They are encroaching on your life a bit too much. I would start to tell them less. Is hard when they are nice, but they have had their mine together and now it's time for you to have your own family time.

Just hard because you like them. I couldn't stand my space being invaded that much at all.

Mrsgrumble · 24/08/2014 10:14

Time not mine

outtolunchagain · 24/08/2014 10:14

I feel your pain , I feel like this about MiL! Our lives are so interlinked.Even to the point that I am thinking about changing hairdressers because she goes to the same salon and I can't bear it.

Can you get your dp involved , since I summoned up the courage to explain to dh how I felt , he has been fabulous about protecting me from them and making sure I have space .

outtolunchagain · 24/08/2014 10:14

Mine are very nice too by the way , it's just claustrophobic

FunkyBoldRibena · 24/08/2014 10:17

'No husband, it's my version of a man shed. I don't want to share it yet. Let me get it ready for an audience first. Cheers'. Of course being a work in progress, it may take a good 20 years for it to be ready.

I couldn't bear living like that - really couldn't. We see my family 4-5 times a year, and his the same. Mine live 200 miles away and his live 10 mins drive away. No no no, you are not being unreasonable.

TheMaddHugger · 24/08/2014 10:18

((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

YANBU

winkywinkola · 24/08/2014 10:19

Is it really lovely to keep coming round uninvited?

Do they not have interests and friends of their own?

To be honest, it's little wonder they don't get it. You will have to be more upfront and honest about their intrusions.

Do you have dcs? If you don't and when you do, it's only going to get worse.

I would ignore all the hurt looks etc and just tell them you will see them every other Sunday from 2-4pm. Or whatever suits you.

It's not really just about your allotment being your sanctuary. Your home should feel like a place where you don't have to look out for visitors the whole time.

I would feel like I could never relax in case people popped in.

I think you will have to be firm and polite and place some clear boundaries. If you are polite then you will sound reasonable.

They will guilt trip you and pile on some emotional blackmail but it seems to me it's either your happiness or theirs.

LadySybilLikesCake · 24/08/2014 10:21

You could do with laying some boundaries unless you're happy for them to be there when your child starts school, every school play/event etc.

Original poster

BloodyUserName · 24/08/2014 10:21

Thanks all, you made me feel less of a precious cow.

It is possible they could just drop by the land once they've been although probably unlikely.

Claustrophobic!! That's the word I was looking for.

We have no kids as yet and DH is an only child which I don't think helps - another issue is that we share a hobby so anytime me and DH do anything relating to the hobby, they assume it's fair game for "ooo I'll check our diary" - Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

DH knows what they're like and is happy to say no and resists the sad-eyes, me? I'm a people pleaser and their guilt trip works on me. We stand firm but I feel awful and it takes the fun out of the day/trip.

OP posts:

RedToothBrush · 24/08/2014 10:23

You ARE allowed to be selfish sometimes you know.

Its as simple as that.

Goldmandra · 24/08/2014 10:45

if you're planning children at some point you need to harden your heart. If you don't you will find their behaviour 100x more intrusive and suffocating once the first baby arrives.

If you can establish some boundaries now, they will behave more appropriately and you will be more willing to welcome them into your house. Win/win.

Original poster

BloodyUserName · 24/08/2014 10:46

Thank you everyone, I feel better for the vent and have decided that I will not have nosy in-laws treading on my spring onions and commenting upon my neighbours choice of curtains and their ethnicity/marital status

OP posts:

Original poster

BloodyUserName · 24/08/2014 10:48

And you're right, I must think of my future kiddies .

OP posts:

Castlemilk · 24/08/2014 10:53

It's good that your DH is willing to say no. Have you considered that he's probably like that because they have breathed down his neck ever since he was old enough to move?

The thing with the garden is your stress over all this coming out.

Here is my advice.

LET YOUR DH PUSH THEM AWAY. He knows whereof he speaks... Let him know that they are stressing you out too, and then stand back and let him deal with them, with your blessing.

How near do you live? Moving house sounds like a good option...

Does this sound excessive? It isn't. I will tell you why. I have seen a MILLION threads on here with roughly similar situations. In almost every one of them, things ticked along ok with only a slightly narked but polite OP managing to adjust and keep the peace. Then she gets pregnant. And all hell breaks loose.

If you do not establish really spiky boundaries now, before you start a family, then the chances are that when you do you will end up with a really, really bad relationship with them. That would be a shame if they are essentially ok people, and obviously would be sad for you and your DC.

Do something NOW, and certainly stop being the 'buffer' who says to your DH, 'Oh it's ok, they mean well...'

Original poster

BloodyUserName · 24/08/2014 11:00

Food for thought........ we were planning on moving a bit nearer to them in preparation for if we are needed to care for them as time goes on (they're both well past retirement age). It wouldn't be ideal for the reasons already covered but it'd save us a lot of to-ing and fro-ing. Eek

OP posts:

LadySybilLikesCake · 24/08/2014 11:08

Goodness, don't move closer!!

Original poster

BloodyUserName · 24/08/2014 11:14

Quickly adjusts search area on Right Move

OP posts:

LadySybilLikesCake · 24/08/2014 11:18

OnlyLovers · 24/08/2014 11:19

I'm very of your little piece of land!

YANBU, obviously. They sound a nightmare. I wouldn't be impressed by anyone turning up at my house uninvited and unannounced, and I think you and DH need to stamp that out sooner rather than later.

Practise being less of a people-pleaser and repeating 'No, it's just DH and me doing this' whenever they assume that they're coming along somewhere with you.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 24/08/2014 11:23

Dear god don't move closer!

I struggled when I moved in with dp, after years of wandering round in a t-shirt and knickers in my own home it was a shock when fil or mil would just walk in through the front door!

That then moved on to me sat on the couch breast feeding dd looking like worzel gumage , baps out and mil bringing all her extended family round that I had no idea who there were.

Covet your little piece of sanctuary with your life !!

Castlemilk · 24/08/2014 11:25

Good God NO, don't move closer!!!

The sad thing is that if they are like this then it probably is not a good idea for your family to be the ones doing the caring, except perhaps in extremis.

If you find things difficult from this distance, and it sounds like your DH certainly does, then living closer is, again, ultimately only likely to lead to the relationship breaking down. Not a nice way for them to live out their very old age, and not a good thing for your marriage.

My mother always said that she would be happy to have her MIL come and live with her in her old age. Her own mother? Over her dead body. 'She'd last a week before we were digging up the patio' was one memorable comment.

You can only adjust so far to accomodate people who, essentially, just don't fit your way of thinking or being. Who are too nosy, or noisy, or pushy, or quiet, or bossy. Lucky are the families who happen to be 'on each other's wavelength'. Those that aren't - lucky are those wise enough to know it, and know that distance makes for sweeter times overall.

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