To not want DPiL to breech my sanctuary

[BloodyUserName]

I do know I am really, I'm just venting.

My DPiL are lovely but feel the need to be involved in everything we do. They come over uninvited and unannounced, have invited themselves on days out and holidays (and look wounded if we dare to say no, we'd like a little time to ourselves). We even have to play things down to try and avoid them wanting to go. They are lovely and we do do lots of fun things with them.

Now I have bought a piece of land and am growing fruit and veg on it, it is my space and sanctuary from the world - I go there when I want peace and tranquility. My cabbages are my stress vent. DPiL insist they want to see it - I don't know why, it's not pretty. I know it's only a small thing but I really don't want them to - it's mine and I don't want to share it!! Selfish only child moment I know but I share the whole of my life with others (DH, DPiL etc) and I just want a little piece for me.

It's lovely that they see me as an extension to their family but they don't recognise that me and DH are also our own little unit too.

My ex's mother was a pain. We'd go out with her for a day to see an air show or something, but she'd walk off or whizz ds around so quickly he wouldn't get the chance to see anything. Ds's birthday and we'd have plans, she'd come along but faff around so much we ran out of time. I'd tell her I was taking ds to the panto, she'd get herself a ticket. She'd collect ds from school and give me a ring when I was on my way to get him. She'd turn up at school events etc. The icing on the cake was her going into ds's school during the day and unannounced, and telling the head that I didn't give her copies of ds's school report and could she have one? Then her telling the head that ds's father had just got married and I was jealous!

I moved a little further away and we rarely hear from her.

Honestly, don't move closer and put down some boundaries. They sound like the sort of inlaws who will be in the delivery room whilst you give birth. Being involved is lovely, there's a line though.

It's such a shame that I live so far away from my own mum who respects my privacy (doesn't even ring me without texting first) and would be an ideal neighbour

Your ex-MIL sounds awful.

Can you move closer to your mum?

Her son was worse.

Gosh! I wouldn't let them near my allotment if they were my PILs! If they include themselves on any outing now and you were to show them where your allotment is, they'd start doing jobs there, discarding what they didn't like, introduce plants that are not your choice, rearrange what's in your storage shed and generally take over because you'd be busy with something else at the time so they'd feel free to do so.

Don't tell them where it is although they might guess if there aren't many in the area.

Fortunately, I think they wouldn't be able to guess. It's a small odd shaped piece of land tucked away down a quiet road that I've bought from the landowner rather than a managed allotment site.

OP, your DH is happy to say no, so tell him that your PILs insistence on seeing your allotment is stressing you. And then let him be your buffer while you get used to being less of a people pleaser with them.

You will need to harden up your boundaries in the event you have DCs. The sad eyes, etc, are all known forms of manipulation, you know.

My DS is very good at the sad eyes. However, I'm very good at saying NO to him, so it's a bit of a game now

Move nearer your mum.

Then when the time comes for PIL to need care, your mum can help out with childcare when you or just DH need to make maybe longer visits.

Unfortunately moving near my mum would be difficult - DH has lived here all his life and I've been here for 10 years. Our work and friends and our whole life (except my parents) are here. As much as I miss my mum I couldn't leave my in laws without any family at all at their age.

My ils are a bit like this. They are lovely but want to be involved in everything. For special things, I tend not to tell them about things until it is too late for them to come. But to balance it out we do make plans to go places with them and let them take the lead.

Yep my mil wanted to go on holiday with us. However she wanted to choose the date ( I have restrictions at work) and the place. When I said I couldn't go on the date she wanted she expects dp to go with her and me and him not to have a holiday as we couldn't afford two! Glad we didn't as I'd have lasted two days before drowning her.

We made the mistake of telling her we were off today and she has called 4 times so far. She expects dp to be at her beck and call and drive her here, there and everywhere with no offer of petrol (not that we'd accept it but the offer would mean a lot). She thinks his car is a free taxi and she is a queen getting dropped door to door. Her latest obsession is being taken 30 miles to some garden centre (again not thinking about the petrol).

I understand they are overbearing OP, I totally get where you are coming from but my God some of the replies on here are fucking horrible, really really depressing, poor PILs, they don't sound that bad to point where you have to move closer to your own mother, they don't sound abusive. I'm hiding this thread now.

Enjoy your land OP, just keep putting them off, I would.

I think Lucille has never experience the claustrophobic affect of stifling niceness that some people can have on others.

I would definitely set the boundaries before you have children, am only halfway through that battle and have a 7 week old and the PILs are reacting badly to being told they cannot just drop in unannounced and demand alone time with their grand daughter. I should have started their training sooner .

Love the idea of a secret garden full of tasty veg.

Thank God your DH can stand up to them sometimes. I would seriously look at your people pleasing tendencies. Your PIL sound bloody awful . I hope this thread has got that message through to you.

You are definitely within your rights to keep your garden to yourself. Howeverm, do look at the rest of your life and put down some boundaries. Sounds like your DH would be up for this too. Get some counselling if needs be to learn some techniques. How can you bear to have them coming along to everything. People pleasing means never pleasing yourself which is shit.

Tell them landmines have been discovered on the land and only you know where to step?

They do sound nice, but overbearing. I would set some boundaries at home as well, in the nicest possible way.

I must stress that they are lovely and I do love them wholeheartedly, I just need my own space sometimes. They're not bad enough to warrant moving or cutting down contact, I just don't want to have to consider their feelings everytime I make plans for myself/me and DH

Tied in with this is my homesickness for my own mum - no doubt she'd annoy me sometimes too if I lived nearer but I don't and I treasure my time with her.

I am working on my people pleasing (and have seriously considered some form of counselling) but it is hard when I recognise how much they love to spend time with us (and who knows how long we've all got left together).

Have so far kept it casual "oh yes, we'll sort something soon" but did laugh at the land mine idea.

Oh and so far the slugs have had the best of the veg.

YANBU Op. We all need our own sanctuary. My sanctuary is the gym and my MIL has recently decided she wants to join so she can attend one of my classes (pilates). I was really irrationally upset never said anything by the thought. I am simply avoiding the subject now.

how about a bull by the horns and deliver with a big smile "oh gosh, no - I've decided I need somehting that's just mine, so noone else is welcome to visit my little garden sacturary, not you, not DH, not my own mum when she visits, I'm going to be really selfish and keep it all to myself!" and just keep smiling and repeating "because I want something I don't share. I don't want anyone to visit, I thought you'd be the easiest to say that too, you're such reasonable people. My mum thinks it's weird. I'll have to keep her busy so she doesn't think to ask to visit it next time she's here."

Little flattery and just say you don't want to share it. It's amazingly hard to argue with "I don't want to." delivered with a smile. It works, honestly!

You deserve your own space

I really hope you have a potting shed with shelving, a rug, seat, radio and a packet of biscuits

I'd recommend toughening up before you have kids.

Your DH is their only child, they have no other grandchildren, you share a hobby and they already have blurred boundaries. Love a duck, sort this out please pretty please

breathes deeply remembering MIL's many many pfb oversteps

It's nice to know I'm not the only one having this issue. I'm going to start working on firming up the boundaries a little "no, it's not really convenient for you to pop in for a cuppa right now" if in fact I'm wearing my PJs and enjoying a Tudors marathon.

"No thank you, we'd rather holiday alone as we want some quality time for ourselves" and lots of sex and repeat.