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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

should DH have gone to work today?

63 replies

2boysandcounting1 · 24/08/2014 09:24

Im 6 months pregnant with a 2 year old and a 3 year old who will be 4 tomorrow. I think i must have PGP as last night i was in agony and could sit down as couldn't bend my left hip to sit. I couldn't even lift my left leg at all off the floor and i had the two children to put to bed on my own as my husband was at work. I txt him and he said what do you want me to do? I said he may need to come home as really couldn't move. He asked if my mom could help me but he did end up coming out 2 hours early. I managed to get into the bath which did ease the pain and went to bed but was in so much pain.

This morning he asked me how i was and i still had bad achy pain in hip area and couldn't put weight on left leg. He said he was going to work. To top it off he is going to fetch his mom due to DS birthday tomorrow which will add an extra 3 hours so i will be on my own until at least 6. I didn't really want him to go as worried how i will manage with the boys. I spoke to my mom and she said she will come over but DH shouldn't have gone to work. Now i dont know what to think. Feel i have no one to ask. My husband is working his second job today so its bank work, he wouldn't get paid if he didn't go but he is not contracted there if that makes sense.

Just sitting here now upset as in one way think my mom is right, my DH isn't always understanding when in unwell as just a week ago i had a vomiting bug and a UTI and he was still asking me to help him with getting boys clothes ready and watching them. Do you think its unreasonable to execr my DH to not go in under these circumstances?

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 24/08/2014 10:18

If you have a back-up plan (like your mum) then of course you should use that instead of your DH missing work. If I missed work to look after my kids, I would certainly get short shrift if they found out someone else could have easily done it. If work sees his as unreliable, that may affect what he gets offered.

You can and should see a doctor today. Phone 111 and they will arrange for you to see an out of hours doc.

Mintyy · 24/08/2014 10:22

My dh is self employed so he loses money if he takes a day off work, consequently has taken only 2 days off that I can recall - once when I had a particularly bad vomiting bug and once when ds was hospitalised. He worked on the day my dad died (a bank holiday) and my children had to go to my best friend to be looked after.

HOWEVER, if I were in the state that op is, 6 months pg and can't put weight on left leg then he would have bloody well taken a day off work and taken me somewhere for treatment.

Moreisnnogedag · 24/08/2014 10:22

I think if money's tight enough that he needs to work two jobs then he has to go to work.

I think you have to weigh up how important that extra cash is (plus the potential risk that they don't use him as bank again as he's seen as unreliable) vs having him home.

DaisyFlowerChain · 24/08/2014 10:24

It's nothing to do with being a martyr. It sounds like he is the only earner so has no choice but to work. It's stressful enough being the only earner without risking your job by taking days off as your partner is sick. He will have to provide for two adults and three children soon on his own so can't afford to lose his job.

Deverethemuzzler · 24/08/2014 10:25

If her mum was not available Mintyy.
Surely it would be better to go to the Dr on Monday? She will be sat in some horrible OOH or A&E dept otherwise.

Or could it be something dangerous? In that case yes, now.

googoodolly · 24/08/2014 10:33

He should have gone to work. You had your mum around so it's not like he left you stranded with two small children.

However his attitude sounds horrible and I would be more unhappy with that than the fact that he'd gone to work.

Frontier · 24/08/2014 10:39

What would your mum have to say if Dh wasn't providing for you and his family? It sounds like you were Ok with the situation until your mum stuck her oar in.

Some of the other stuff sounds off, but the specific question "should he have gone to work today". Of course he should, especially if you need the money enough for him to be working two jobs but also because, whilst work life balance is important, people (including DW's) do need to recognise that employers need their staff to be reliable.

Egghead68 · 24/08/2014 10:43

Yiu can't take time off work just because your spouse is sick unfortunately (if you want to keep your job).

Hope you get some medical help soon.

SugarplumKate · 24/08/2014 10:48

It's hard but I had PGP in all 4 pregnancies, worst in 3 and 4. We just had to manage as best we could. Dh always had to work. Contact your gp, there should be a specialist physio at your hospital. They can give you crutches and a support belt.

Also, you can have painkillers if it is horrendous. I have a chronic back problem too and am not unused to pain, but months and months of continual pain like you describe was hideous. There are strong painkillers your gp can prescribe in later pregnancy. Yes, they do cross the placenta but if you can't get through each day because of the pain...

Hugs.

MsVestibule · 24/08/2014 10:51

Parents (in this case the father) absolutely should take time off work if their usual childcare (in this case the mother) has fallen through! If a mother was at work and their childminder phoned to say she was unable to look after the child due to her illness, then an employer would have no choice but to let her go home, even if they docked her pay.

And the borderline snidey comments about him being the sole earner are unnecessary and irrelevant. Money can be just as tight with two earners, depending on their outgoings.

2boys if your DH had shown some sympathy, phoned your Mum to check she was OK to come over and either cancelled collecting his mum tomorrow or asked her to come by public transport, I'm guessing you wouldn't be quite as pissed off with him.

Sootgremlin · 24/08/2014 10:55

Agree with mintyy. This is exactly the sort of rare circumstance that you could take an emergency day off for, especially if he is not contracted. The op is an adult who, while not the breadwinner, surely has a say in the decision of whether the situation trumps the income in this instance?

If she had seen the doctor and it's going to be a long term conditon then obviously they need to sort something out. At the very least though OP, you should be able to expect sympathy and reassurance from your do when you're struggling and in pain. If not then, when?

I had severe pgp in both pregnancies, requiring crutches, I was almost completely immobile by the end of the second. With my first, when I had no dependent children and was signed off work, yes, I largely had to get on with it. Even then, my DH left me with a flask full of tea and a fridge full of sandwiches and made sure I had everything I needed before he left. He would also try and make it home at lunch if possible even just for twenty minutes.

Second pregnancy, when I had a two year old, I managed as much as I could, help from my mum in the first instance, but If things were dire DH would take the odd day off. Sometimes things were dire and it was not possible, but I still knew he cared and was doing all he could to take the pressure off me.

Your dp's attitude is more the issue here than whether he took the day or not.

MsVestibule · 24/08/2014 10:56

And all of these comments "You can't take time off work because your wife is sick" - he wouldn't be . He'd be taking time off to look after his children because his wife is unable to. It's not as if they're childfree and she's asking him to stay off to look after her.

Deverethemuzzler · 24/08/2014 10:57

My OH needed a few things pointing out to him earlier on in our relationship.
He just couldn't empathise. I had to be very clear 'I cannot cope on my own today. I am too ill'

The opposite of being a martyr really. Hoping he would notice was a waste of time. I think there was a bit of him that thought 'not sure if I should stay but as long as she doesn't insist that must mean she is ok really'

It was always work though. Never going down the pub or similar. He used to be in the army then he was a paramedic. He was totally unused to taking time off.

I had to introduce him to the concept of paternity leave when I had the two youngest

Hope you feel better soon OP

Deverethemuzzler · 24/08/2014 10:58

That is true ms but the outcome may be the same whoever he is looking after.

You have to take unpaid leave or lie and say you are sick.

Hakluyt · 24/08/2014 10:59

"Parents (in this case the father) absolutely should take time off work if their usual childcare (in this case the mother) has fallen through!"

Why? When there is a perfectly acceptable alternative in the form of Grandma?

MissDuke · 24/08/2014 11:00

It very much depends on his job. My previous job was the sort where I could generally take annual leave at short notice, so it wouldn't be a problem. However my current job is not like that at all, and I just couldn't do it.

Also, your condition is unlikely to improve until the baby is born. It is a dreadful condition to have, and you have my full sympathy, but is it realistic to expect him to take off work daily until baby comes?

It sounds like your mum cannot really help either. Is there anyone else? Friends? Can anyone help with school runs at least? It is important to try and take it easy, its just a matter of finding a way to do so. Don't be afraid to ask people for help, so long as you are prepared to return the favour at some stage.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 24/08/2014 11:01

I'd be less worried about today as you have your mum and more worried about next three months. Do your children currently go to any kind of childcare? Could you arrange some so that you don't need to look after them full time with pgp?

Frontier · 24/08/2014 11:02

Exactly Hakluyt, if childcare falls through it's the parents' responsibility to find an alternative, that doesn't necessarily mean staying home.

In this situation, I would ask GP's friends and neighbours before I asked Dh to stay home. I would also be happy to offer that help to any friend or neighbour (provided it didn't become too regular )

PinkSquash · 24/08/2014 11:03

If she didn't have her mum to help then her H should step in to help, but she has her mum, so her husband should go and earn the money.

Definitely go to see the GP and get a physio referral

MsVestibule · 24/08/2014 11:08

I spoke to my mom and she said she will come over.

Kakluyt if her DH had said "I know you can't look after the children but I'd really would rather not take time off. Can you phone your mom and ask her to come over?", fair enough. But the way I read it is that he went in to work anyway - fortunately her mum was able to come and help. What if she couldn't? He would have just gone in to work anyway.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 24/08/2014 11:10

Yes I agree with minty too. Reading between the lines he is not much support when he is there!

It never surprises me the lack of sympathy that women especially When pregnant get on here.

Thank god your DM is coming, can she come tomorrow also? Are you going to have a house full of people coming for dc birthday? If so I'd take your self of to bed and leave dh to it.

and

whathaveiforgottentoday · 24/08/2014 11:25

I agree your DH should have gone to work. I think you need to think more long term as the chances are you will have this condition until the end of the pregnancy. This is the time to accept help wherever you can. I recommend seeing the physio as others have said and consider taking painkillers if the pain becomes unbearable.
I found it helpful if friends took my dd1 to the park for an hour to give her some exercise so I palmed her off on lots of people and luckily I still had a childminder as well. I got a cleaner and sent the ironing off to be done. It's only a few months so you just need to make things as easy as possible for you. You may need to sit your dh down and make it very clear just how much pain you are in, but he clearly can't take time off work but he could help by ensuring he comes home on time to help with dinner and bedtime.

Original poster

2boysandcounting1 · 24/08/2014 11:26

Thanks for all your comments, my mom has brought me a crutch to use which is a great help! It is only us and both grandmas and a couple of friends tomorrow so not to bad. When my son starts school in September my mom only lives around the corner so i will probably get a lift to my moms house and take my son from there.

Mrs Vestibule that is what happened, he went saying ask your mom to come round. Luckily she was able to. I never had this with my first and possibly had it mildly with my second but last night was the worst it has ever been. Ii always wanted four children, does it get worse with each pregnancy?

OP posts:

Sootgremlin · 24/08/2014 11:30

Yes softly, she's obviously having a hard time, you don't have to agree with her re the time off, but she's come on here for support and been told to pull her socks up and she's lucky to have help.

from me too OP. Keep legs together, no avoidable lifting, no standing for long periods, no housework beyond what's necessary for the children, rest as much as you can.

raspberryslush · 24/08/2014 11:58

Difficult one. I think maybe it's his general unsympathetic attitude that is upsetting the OP more than not taking today off work.
I guess, from his point of you, he knows that your mum is local and thinks that she will come if asked. If you had no other source of help at all, do you think he would still have gone to work?

I think you should sit down with him when he comes in and try to explain how much pain you are in and that you really need his support at the moment.

I had SPD badly in my third pregnancy and DH was working away so just had to manage as no family help. Luckily, I wasn't working much by then and had a car for school runs, etc. Try to see the GP ad get an urgent physio' appt. It is really horrible feeling disabled (even temporarily).

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