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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not look after mum in old age.

51 replies

paddleduck · 23/08/2014 19:36

My mum isn't anywhere near this stage yet but it was recently discussed with my siblings as we the topic came up in conversation.

This could turn into an epic post so I will do my best to disclose important info without waffling or drop feeding.

My mum has many faults. Soft and gentle in nature (and thus everything is constantly glossed over or shrugged off) but her decisions in life have been selfish and directly affected our lives deeply. The worst example of this is being aware of the sexual abuse at the hands of my father and not protecting me. She simply cannot be alone and although I believe heavily emotionally abused and somewhat brainwashed (yes really- he was a Truely believed he was gods messenger) she did not help me. Subsequent relationships include emotional abuse from her partners towards my younger siblings, etc.

She lacks tact and sometimes just common sense. I have created much distance between us and our relationship is strained though I do not think she realises this. Needless to say no trust.

Despite us all being very aware (and openly discuss her faults between us) my elder siblings are very close to her.

They feel that should mum ever need taking in and cared for, it is our duty as her children 'whom she has birthed and raised' and we should 'pay it back' ..no homes etc.

Whilst I don't like the idea of mum going into a home, i feel sick to the pit of my stomach at the idea of handing my life over to be her sole carer in her old age after everything. I deeply wish nc was an option and I grieve our relationship- or what I wish it was daily.

I kept quiet and brushed it off by making light hearted jokes but I then spent the entire night up worrying. As I say this is not an imminent situation but I've been left deeply concerned about my lack of.. care or loyalty to her, when despite all my siblings seem to be queuing up to repay their debt of being bought into the world -and then left to fend for themselves--

But she is my mum. . Aibu? And what the fuck it fuck do I do in 10 years when I'm faced with this possibility?

OP posts:

Waswondering · 23/08/2014 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 19:41

I deeply wish nc was an option

This statement is what stands out to me OP.

Why do you wish it was an option and
Why isn't it

Roseformeplease · 23/08/2014 19:42

She is your Mum am she's chose to have you, just as you have a choice as to whether or not to care for her. Just keep saying to yourself, "That won't work for me" and repeat. Because you will make yourself ill worrying and, in any case, it may not happen.

Littlefish · 23/08/2014 19:43

If they wish to care for her, then that is up to them. I think that next time the subject is raised by your siblings, you need to be honest and say that looking after her at home is not something you would be able to do.

PacificDogwood · 23/08/2014 19:45

YANBU.
This is a deeply personal choice and not for anybody else to make.

I think your OP lists a number of reasons better than most to not get involved directly in your mother's care should the time come.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 23/08/2014 19:47

Yanbu
It would be hard enough caring for her without the difficult (to put it mildly) past between you.
Did the discussion with your siblings get as far along as a theoretical split in caring duties between you all or was it just a vague plan to look after her.
If it comes up again I think you need to tell them you don't want to care for your mum.

SierpinskiNumber · 23/08/2014 19:48

You don't have to look after her and you don't need to feel guilty about it. If your siblings wish to look after her then that's up to them.

Do you have your own family?
Do you live close to her?

PinkyHasNoEars · 23/08/2014 19:49

I feel that YAdefinitelyNBU to not want to be a carer for your mum. No one should ever feel unreasonable for not wanting that, no matter what the circumstances, or the relationship.

I am strongly of the belief that children don't owe this to their parents - there isn't some quid pro quo where bringing a child in to the world gives some cast-iron guarantee that you will be cared for in your old age. That's not what I believe parenting is about.

It does sound as though this is really weighing heavily for you, even though you say the situation isn't imminent. Do you have someone in RL you can talk this through with?

IDontDoIroning · 23/08/2014 19:50

Are you likely to be the one volunteered to look after her ie no children low paid job etc. if it is then it's very easy for your siblings to say these things when they expect someone else to do the hard work.

RandomMess · 23/08/2014 19:50

"No, that doesn't work for me"

If they choose to look after her that is their choice, it doesn't mean you have to.

drudgetrudy · 23/08/2014 19:55

You are not obligated to look after your Mum but this situation may never arise and no-one seems to have asked her what her preferences would be.
You may be worrying prematurely about a situation that will not arise.
Looking after someone also need not involve taking them into your home and doing physical care yourself.
-coordinating paid care and visiting to cheer someone up is also caring.
It is up to you if the situation arises to be clear about the level of involvement you are willing to have.
Personally I would prefer to sell everything and pay for care than to inflict myself on my daughters

Username12345 · 23/08/2014 19:58

The worst example of this is being aware of the sexual abuse at the hands of my father and not protecting me.

Tell them if they want to care for her that's their choice, but you wont.

Original poster

paddleduck · 23/08/2014 19:59

Fairnuff- nc would mean essentially being ostracised by my entire family, the status quo is to pretend the big stuff didn't happen. I love my siblings and neice/nephews too much. Also we live in v small village- would be very difficult.

I have my own family and my husbands family give me so much that I never had from mine.. they Truely welcomed me in with open arms and I'm so grateful to them for the love they give my dc. I work and study etc. Plenty of commitments. Pretty equal to my siblings (at the minute who knows where we'll all be when the situation arises) mother definitely expects to be cared for.

OP posts:

LapsedTwentysomething · 23/08/2014 19:59

Why would it be down to you to be her sole carer? Are your siblings suggesting that this ought to be the case?

Original poster

paddleduck · 23/08/2014 20:03

I appreciate at this point it's all entirely hypothetical. . I'm having a crisis in morals as it were. My siblings didn't hide their surprise at my obvious reluctance despite my efforts to hide it. It made me wonder if despite everything I should want to do this for her. Feeling a bit shitty that I don't but equally inwardly wondering if anyone would for a bystander of such abuse.

OP posts:

PinkyHasNoEars · 23/08/2014 20:05

I wouldn't. Luckily my mother is dead so I don't have this dilemma but it would, for me, probably be pretty similar.

unrealhousewife · 23/08/2014 20:12

Why would they want to? Why are they trying to mollycoddle her in this way? Lots of children put their elders into homes for very sensible reasons. It sounds like a strange kind of pact to make, as though they are trying to reassure her that they wont take revenge or be bitter. They sound like they are still enabling her. Most mothers wouldn't want to be a burden on their children. Or is it some kind of competition to seek her favour?

What an awful situation you are in.

Before you respond I think you should trust your gut feeling and say no, you can't. Not because you are angry and want revenge, but because it would be risking your mental health to do it.

drudgetrudy · 23/08/2014 20:14

Of my husband's and my parents only one out of the four has required this sort of care.
One died of cancer in her 50s, two had sudden deaths.
It was possible to support the parent with long term care needs for many years in her own home with a mixture of paid carers and family visits. It did not require one person to become sole carer.
Eventually a nursing home became the only option -it is still possible to provide moral support via visits-but you do not have to do this if you don't want to.
Your siblings may not be impressed but you can make it clear to them what your limits are.
Although worrying in advance won't help giving this a bit of thought and perhaps talking it over with someone outside the situation may help you clarify your thoughts.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 23/08/2014 20:14

YANBU

Amd even if there wasn't the background to this and she had been nothing but a fantastic parent you still wouldn't be unreasonable

Looking after someone in old age is a massive thing and it only really works if you are doing it because you choose to, even then resentment can creep in and it can have a negative effect on the while family. It can be the best solution but only if it something everyone is happy with

I adore my mum, she has never been anything less then brilliant but due to circumstances in my own life I will not be doing any caring for her if/when she needs it, I will try to support her and see her as much as I can but she will have to be cared for by others. I will also not be wanting my children to care for me, I chose to have them I don't feel they owe me at all

GlaceDragonflies · 23/08/2014 20:19

YANBU. I was a part time carer for a relative who had terminal cancer, it's bloody awful to do it even without the background that you have had.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/08/2014 20:20

"They feel that should mum ever need taking in and cared for, it is our duty as her children 'whom she has birthed and raised' and we should 'pay it back' ..no homes etc. "

No. No. No. No. NO!

They can feel that it's their duty but they cannot assume to speak for you. When the time comes, you can choose to do what you feel you are able or want to do, and if she needs more, other people will have to do it. Whether that's family members or paid help, so be it.

CarmineRose1978 · 23/08/2014 20:24

Christ. I'm dreading the possibility of having to look after my dad in his old age, and he isn't half as awful as your mum sounds (mind you, maybe he is - physically and verbally abusive to me when I was younger). We have a reasonable good relationship now, but I really REALLY couldn't bear to be his carer. My brother died last year though so I suspect it might fall to me. YANBU at all.

wheresthelight · 23/08/2014 20:26

I agree with everyone else, just say no!

my situation differs in so much as mine was emotional abuse by my father but mum allowed it to continue and has ne error defended me or taken my side even when his abuse continued into adulthood. but like you the thought of having to care for her in her old age makes me sick.

my sister a d I haven't had any discussion yet but my answer will be a care home should the need arise. she never caref for me so i not about to put my life on hold yo care for her.

unrealhousewife · 23/08/2014 20:27

Bitter has highlighted what I was implying, that there is something very misguided about the "loyalty" they are expressing.

Castlemilk · 23/08/2014 20:29

'No, I'm afraid that I am quite decided that I would never agree to care for Mum in her old age.

'Before you start talking about duty and repayment, I will say straight away that my feeling is that Mum has already, throught the choices she made, taken away as much if not more from me than she ever 'gave' in being a parent. Don't forget that, even if we don't talk about it. Please know now that it's been difficult for me to keep Mum in my life, and I've done so because of my regard for her and you all as family. Don't try and make me feel ungrateful - I know, absolutely know that in even being in contact with her I have been the very opposite.

'When it comes to sacrifices - big sacrifices - I have made a decision I'm happy with, and that's that my loyalty lies with MY children and family. I would not compromise their lives or our lives together for Mum's sake.

'We all make our life decisions and it's ultimately up to us to live with them when we know they might affect others. Mum made hers and was happy to live with them, and we all know how they affected us. I'm happy to live with mine.'

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