to not look after mum in old age.

[paddleduck]

My mum isn't anywhere near this stage yet but it was recently discussed with my siblings as we the topic came up in conversation.

This could turn into an epic post so I will do my best to disclose important info without waffling or drop feeding.

My mum has many faults. Soft and gentle in nature (and thus everything is constantly glossed over or shrugged off) but her decisions in life have been selfish and directly affected our lives deeply. The worst example of this is being aware of the sexual abuse at the hands of my father and not protecting me. She simply cannot be alone and although I believe heavily emotionally abused and somewhat brainwashed (yes really- he was a Truely believed he was gods messenger) she did not help me. Subsequent relationships include emotional abuse from her partners towards my younger siblings, etc.

She lacks tact and sometimes just common sense. I have created much distance between us and our relationship is strained though I do not think she realises this. Needless to say no trust.

Despite us all being very aware (and openly discuss her faults between us) my elder siblings are very close to her.

They feel that should mum ever need taking in and cared for, it is our duty as her children 'whom she has birthed and raised' and we should 'pay it back' ..no homes etc.

Whilst I don't like the idea of mum going into a home, i feel sick to the pit of my stomach at the idea of handing my life over to be her sole carer in her old age after everything. I deeply wish nc was an option and I grieve our relationship- or what I wish it was daily.

I kept quiet and brushed it off by making light hearted jokes but I then spent the entire night up worrying. As I say this is not an imminent situation but I've been left deeply concerned about my lack of.. care or loyalty to her, when despite all my siblings seem to be queuing up to repay their debt of being bought into the world -and then left to fend for themselves--

But she is my mum. . Aibu? And what the fuck it fuck do I do in 10 years when I'm faced with this possibility?

I just want to say to you you owe your mother nothing. SHE chose to have a baby and she had a duty and responsibility to you. You have no duty or responsibility to your mother when she wasn't one.

My mother can go fuck herself. I will not do a thing for her when she is older and will be happy when she dies. I will no longer have to live in fear of her taking my children that she seems to have a right too. My Grandmother used to say my father will want me should he need a kidney transplant and again, I would be saying no even if it meant he died.

I try hard not to be bitter but my parents gave me nothing but life and then fucked off so they can fuck off some more should they want help from me.

My PIL I will help as much as I am able as they have been very good grandparents to my children and that almost out ways MIL's betrayal of me and their lack of support when I was ill and my two babies were lost.

YANBU

Some people did not deserve the children they got.

Remember OP -it won't be all or nothing.
Do not feel obligated if the time comes-do as little or as much as you feel comfortable with.

If it's not a pressing issue, then firstly you need allow yourself to think "she might never need care" and "they might feel different when faced with the reality of care".

To your siblings, I would say that you would 'support them caring for your mum' but that you couldn't take her in yourself. If pushed, and don't want to cite her crap parenting, then perhaps say that you can't imagine you'd be able to be her full time carer, due to having to work yourself/not having the space/caring for your children/are likely to have to care for your DH's parents. (Actually, that's the best one, that you are likely to have care for your DH's parents, so wouldn't be able to take on care for her when she has other children who could and your DH's parents don't have others...)

Itsfab- I am sorry to hear of your circumstances.

It's funny you should say about PIL. I'd much sooner care for them.

But equally I don't want my children to care for me, I'd never ever allow or expect that.

Mislaid loyalty is a hard one for me. I cannot understand their loyalty to her. Maybe I am selfish but I cannot believe for one minute I'd continue to allow someone in my life who'd allowed such hurt to come to someone. . I feel like they should be 'on my side' but that's an entirely different thread and I'd never ask them to ditch their own mother.

Tbh I can't believe she's still in my life. I'm disgusted with my lack of ability to cut ties.

No, OP, you're not selfish. You're trying to rationalise abnormal behaviour which is impossible.

I agree that your siblings may feel differently when faced with the reality of care. Totally agree with mary

You don't lack ability to cut her out. You have chosen that the rest of your family mean enough to you to put up with her. Simple as.

PIL - I expect it will fall to me as the only DIL.

It made me wonder if despite everything I should want to do this for her

There is no 'should' about it - how you are feeling, is how you are feeling. At that has validity and should be respected by yourself and your siblings.

No child 'asks' to be born so I take the simple fact that your mother had you as moot.
Yes, even the most slap-dash of parenting takes effort, however what you are writing about your upbringing sounds positively damaging and horrible - I don't see how you 'owe' anything.
How your siblings deal with their experiences is up to them - they would not be the first survivors of an abusive/dysfunctional upbringing who remain in a co-dependency with whoever caused the abuse. 'Stockholm Syndroms' related to victims of abduction/kidnapping beginning to identify with their abductors but similar ways of coping can emerge in other circumstances.

Coming from a different perspective (elderly care nurse) I see issues like this a lot. Sometimes we get families where some children do a lot of care and some can't/don't/won't. I always try to remember that the frail old person I see jn the bed was once an adult. Your Mum made choices when you were a child that hurt you. I don't think you owe her anything given what you went through.
Your family are probably a bit naive to say they will provide all her care and not put her in a home...I think that's a terrible promise to make or more specifically have to break! Some people's needs mean they simply have to have 24 hour care.
I agree with PP, make your decision not to be part of that care provision now and repeat to your family That won't work for me. They'll get the message - and if they query it later you can say I've been saying for years I won't!

Nothing worse than a parent who encourages division between siblings. Seems to be a pattern here.

Some people forgive and move on , some want nc or even revenge. We are all different. Were you the eldest? That can make a difference.
You can't force yourself to be like your siblings and they can't force you either.

No I'm not eldest. 2nd. Three after me.

Do you consider her choices forgivable? Would you forgive someone who watched you be abused. Literally stood there. When that person was your own mother?

Do you consider her choices forgivable? Would you forgive someone who watched you be abused. Literally stood there. When that person was your own mother?

It does not matter one any one of us would do - it's about you.

My mother was technically not abused by her mother, well, other than emotional abuse.
She has been killing herself looking after my now 101 year old severely demented gran. She is v resentful of her sister who does none of the hands on caring, just swans in and out once a week for coffee (my mum's words, not mine). She is angry AND totally dependent of knowing that she is doing what her mum would have demanded whereas my aunt has emotionally and physically distanced herself.

So, no, personally I would not forgive, but this is not about me.

I think people can turn a blind eye to terrible things because of their own weakness and faults. You can forgive them simply because we are all flawed. Whether you expect them to overcome their own flaws and whether they do and can be treated accordingly is a different matter...

Regarding your mum, I would consider what you could do and what may need doing. Organising online shopping? Paying bills? Housework? Organising cleaner? ...you may feel able. Personal care...you might rather recruit someone else. It is ok. Do what you feel able to. Don't feel like you have to decide now, is my advice.

YANBU.

I won't tell you not to worry, because that wouldn't be helpful but please try to keep in mind the situation may never arise. Some elderly people die suddenly, or without a lengthy deterioration.

Without all of the history you don't 'owe' your Mum years of care, having children doesn't entitle anyone to guaranteed care in their later years. Taking into account the historic abuse, I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to her again.

Op, it's ok to feel differently about your mum than your siblings do, while you shared a childhood, what you each experienced was unique to you, so will come at this from different perspectives. Just because they feel differently about their childhoods doesn't mean you are wrong about yours. It's ok to say no, and if you don't feel you can say why to them, use excuses.

But then, I've heard over and over from people that "I'd never let my mum/nan go in a home" without thinking what that means. My parents did take my nana in for a few years, but due to my mum then me having dcs later, if my mum needs care at the same age as her mum did, I'll have 2dcs in secondary school, whereas both my db and I had grown up, been through uni and left home when my parents faced the choice. My parents had taken early retirement, whereas when my mum is the same age as her mum was needing care, I'll still have a mortgage and dcs to fund through higher education, I probably will be working.

Care for elderly people is relentless, you can hire a babysitter for a night out if you have toddlers, with someone with dementia, you can't do that, but they can't be left alone. There are no day nursing homes so you can continue to work, it's all or nothing.

For a lot of the generation after the baby boomers, taking in elderly family just won't be practical, it's a generation unlikely to retire early on big pensions, unlikely to have woman who didn't return to work post dcs, unlikely to have spare bedrooms to take elderly people into, nor have an empty nest when they are in their late 40 s/ early 50s.

Sit back and just maintain the position you think it's unlikely you'll be able to take your mum in for practical reasons, let the others start to see their friends struggling with similar issues and hold your position, doesn't work for you, you'll support/help your sibling doing the care, for practical reasons you can't do it yourself.

Also like some of my siblings it's not about forgiveness it's just not wanting to admit that your parent is a monster.

Bingo.

It's too much to admit isn't it. When you've got no one else.

Thank you a for your input. I feel much better. If this situation should ever arise I will remind myself of this. I owe her nothing.

I will never forgive my mother and she didn't do what yours did but her choices meant I had a horrible childhood and it has affected my children's life's too and I can't forgive myself for that.

It's easy to say "I'd do this" when not faced with the situation. When they understand the reality of it, they might change their minds.

FIL tried moving in with us with the intention of being cared for (though we agreed to being room mates and we would occasionally run errands) and I lasted all of but 24 hrs before we told him no we were leaving and he was on his own. He means well, but he can be a real pita when he wants to be. He was abusive to DH growing up and DH holds no loyalty to him.

Anyway, moral of the story. He is happier in a home around people that genuinely do like him. He has friends and a social life.

Your mother might actually be better off in a home for that reason.

My parents are split. My father wants us to take care of him and to never go to a home, my mother wants to be put in a home so she's not a burden. I don't know what we'll do when the day comes. I don't think I'd mind popping in with food and making sure they were still coping on their own. But I don't think I'd be able to handle the responsibility of being a full carer for them, and I love my parents dearly. Hopefully they'll have enough saved up in retirement to pay for a carer if it comes to it.