to think that my friend doesn't know what busy is.

[Namechangedforthisohyesidid]

I have a very good friend who sometimes takes a week to reply to a text message. Doesn't work, doesn't have kids, has moved recently and has told me themselves that they don't have a great social life.

When I eventually get a reply it's "I am so busy, sorry, will call when I get a chance."

Before anyone says it sounds like she doesn't want to be my friend any more, she is a very good friend, we go back a long way, I see her often enough and she is always apologetic for not replying, but it just PISSES ME OFF that she is always banging on about how busy she is when she literally doesn't do anything.

I have a toddler and a newborn and am redecorating at present so I might be slightly unhinged from sleep deprivation.

AIBU?

YABU, you are not a fly on her wall and am sure you do not know what is going on in every second, minute, hour of her life, give yourself a shake and find a grip eh!

Busy means different things to different people.

Like your friend I also sometimes take a long time to reply to messages, and also like her I don't have much of a social life.

BUT it doesn't take much at all for me to feel completely overwhelmed. I have various issues including social anxiety and so even a week with just a couple of full days is quite enough for me. I need a lot of downtime and even replying to messages makes me anxious, phonecalls leave me mentally and physically drained. I don't tend to use the word 'overwhelmed' when talking to other people (unless it's somebody who really understands) so I just use 'busy' instead.

Not saying this is at all relevant to your friend BTW (haven't read whole thread yet sorry) just offering a different perspective. :)

I have no idea how busy your friend is but when I had a friend who was always too busy to reply I eventually said 'well, fine, get in touch when you have time'. That is about seven years ago and I'm still waiting for a text. I've seen her a few times since and she has always been so enthusiastic about meeting up, so apologetic, and always promises to be in touch soon. But behind my back, she tells people that I turned out to be a terrible friend because I didn't stay in touch. (No mental health issues btw, she always has time to reply to texts from friends who had an amazing night out to invite her to. My invitations were always for a quiet dinner and drinks and that wasn't, or to go for a coffee, and those were the ones she was too busy to reply to).

It really hurts but sometimes when people say they're busy, what they actually mean is they can only be bothered maintaining a friendship with you if you make the effort. You're not important enough to them to take time out of their busy life to actually reply to you. As hard as it is to face, a friend who can't be bothered to send a quick text is a friend who doesn't really care about you.

Gross, I really relate to what you say about being overwhelmed easily and needing alot of downtime!

Treacle I think you were right about your friend, but the OP's friend seems to be in a very different position.

It must seem odd if she doesn't work etc BUT I find it super annoying when those with kids act as if those of us without can't possibly be busy/tired/know what love is/ etc. I am extrapolating from your post of course, but just because her life isn't like yours doesn't mean it isn't busy.

YABU. You've no idea about what's going on in her life and I'm sick to the back teeth of people with children telling me self-righteously and with a tinge of martyrdom how they never knew what busy was until they had them.

Can't stand competitive busyness.

I don't work and have grown up DC so in your mind OP I'm not busy!

Ha! I wish. I am involved in two voluntary roles that can take up a large amount of my time. We have just finished a large building project on our home that has been disruptive and time consuming. I have a parent who has dementia and lives 1.5 hours away, whom I visit weekly. I have a large home to maintain, cleaning takes time and I'm not hugely fastidious. I walk my dog twice a day for an hour. Yes, I go to the gym 3 times a week, but why not? We do socialise a lot and have visitors for the weekend a couple of times a month and I do try and maintain close contact with my friends. Whilst I would never think about saying I was busy to anyone, I would be pissed off any anyone who claimed to be a friend, started a mean spirited thread about me and judged in such a narrow minded way.

You sound like a great friend, OP, starting a thread about your friend and calling her 'bone idle' and getting shitty when people don't automatically join in to have a go.

Maybe she doesn't text you back because she's busy with her real friends who aren't judging her all the time.

Don't have an issue with the swearing though - thought this was a site for adults? Anyone who has an issue with swearing should really get over to NetMums and have a sparkly ticker and unicorns!

Maybe that's where ops friend is

She is busy with her unicorns on netmums

wow. I obviously haven't explained myself very well here. I don't think having kids is the be all and end all, and also I honestly don't think I am a mean spirited arsehole which appears to be how I am coming across. Maybe I should leave it before justifying myself one more time, but for the record, I wasn't getting shitty!!!

It seems like this thread is going a bit wrong now.

And also dr liz you sounds massively busy but i know she isn't doing any of that unless when I ask she is lying to me.

You're just focusing on the wrong thing OP. I can see how the word 'busy' might be a bit difficult to hear especially when you're so tired. But it clearly isn't about whether or not your friend is busy. It is about how your friendship is, and whether she is ok. I think usually if a friend is uninterested and doesn't value you, you can see it and know it. If you think, as you seem to, that she is a good friend who cares, then I would look more at being sympathetic to her. It sounds like she may be depressed and withdrawn, or have problems that she doesn't feel ready to talk about. Perhaps she just doesn't know how to explain what she is doing or feel up to talking.

anyone who judges anyone else's ''busy'' is unreasonable. we all have stuff going on, some of it we don't necessarily even want to tell other people about.

and i especially hate the ''wait til you have kids, then you'll know what busy is'' line! it was your choice to have children! :p

It is possible to be "bone idle", but it's all relative isn't it?

When I was on mat leave, I was probably "bone idle" compared to a lot of the mums I met at antenatal classes, because my schedule for the week was relatively empty. They felt better if they had at least one activity or more to go to every day. For me, that would have made me feel sick and stressed. Neither is wrong, or better.

I'm often 'bone idle' I see it as a good thing, I'm freeing up jobs for the people who like to be busy....there'd not be enough tasks to go round if we all wanted to be busy all the time

maybe she's a bit shit at replying to text messages and the "busy" is just an excuse. i read a text message, intend to respond, then get side-tracked and forget about it for a couple of days. i am trying to avoid doing this as i know it's rude. admittedly i don't leave it as long as your friend before replying though.

try not to get into competitive busy-ness though, it's a bit daft