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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my friend doesn't know what busy is.

67 replies

Namechangedforthisohyesidid · 23/08/2014 17:37

I have a very good friend who sometimes takes a week to reply to a text message. Doesn't work, doesn't have kids, has moved recently and has told me themselves that they don't have a great social life.

When I eventually get a reply it's "I am so busy, sorry, will call when I get a chance."

Before anyone says it sounds like she doesn't want to be my friend any more, she is a very good friend, we go back a long way, I see her often enough and she is always apologetic for not replying, but it just PISSES ME OFF that she is always banging on about how busy she is when she literally doesn't do anything.

I have a toddler and a newborn and am redecorating at present so I might be slightly unhinged from sleep deprivation.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Leela5 · 24/08/2014 10:04

I don't have children but I'm always busy and can take a week to respond to a text. I have 2 jobs and a voluntary job. When I'm not at work I want to be on my own and have time to myself so I may not reply to texts because I'm generally sitting still, reading or cleaning my house, happy that I'm not working. We are also ttc for over a year and sometimes I don't feel like talking to my friends who have children because I'm sad and it reminds me.

My friends with kids probably wonder what I could possibly be doing that makes me busy.

Everyone has stuff to deal with and whether you've got kids or not it doesn't mean one has more reason than another to be busy.

YABU

Deverethemuzzler · 24/08/2014 10:10

To be fair leela the op did say that her friend doesn't work or go out much.

I don't think this is about her not having children = can't possibly be busy.

PenelopeLane · 24/08/2014 10:11

YABU. I have a toddler and a newborn and am writing a novel, and am much LESS busy than I was before kids. Why? Because I leave the house so much less often!

In many ways I feel like I have more "free time" now than I've ever had, it's just not time for myself if that makes sense

strawberryangel · 24/08/2014 10:15

YANBU OP. I hate the fact that you get jumped on here for daring to criticise another person.

Leela5 · 24/08/2014 10:24

True

There are other things she could be doing though - writing, painting perhaps?

Equally the point someone made earlier about depression would make sense.

If I were you OP I would perhaps gently broach the subject if it bothers you. She might just be being scatty and not realise.

Leela5 · 24/08/2014 10:25

Ps I don't think you should swear less Wink

Deverethemuzzler · 24/08/2014 10:26

No the swearing comment was a dig.
Not sure why there was a need.

Binglesplodge · 24/08/2014 11:48

Agreeing with those who are wondering if your friend may have anxiety or depression? Conditions like that can make it very difficult for people to keep in touch with friends as they often cause withdrawal and sufferers would far rather make excuses about being busy rather than admit they've been meaning to return your call for ages but couldn't make themselves do it.

sillystring · 24/08/2014 12:49

I love how these "busy" people are never to "busy" to tell you how "busy" they are.

raspberryslush · 24/08/2014 12:51

Well, she doesn't sound as if she has essential/ pressing engagements on her time so she certainly doesn't sound 'busy'. I think 'busy' here means that she didn't get around to replying/ forgot.

The saying 'if you have something that needs doing, ask a busy person to do it' is there for a reason.

Wonc · 24/08/2014 12:58

I agree with Overtired^^ who mentioned depression.
Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly low I struggle to answer text messages and when I am feeling better, I need to find an excuse. 'Busy' often covers it.

madamemuddle · 24/08/2014 13:06

Maybe she can't be bothered to reply because she is fed up of hearing you bang on about how busy you are all the time.

I generally delay responding to people I don't want to have daily text conversations with.

The world doesn't revolve around you.

aurorablues · 24/08/2014 13:14

Busy is a very subjective term.

She may not seem to be busy from your point of view, but from her point of view she could be incredibly busy.

MrsMarcJacobs · 24/08/2014 13:19

Agree with what happy and fredfred said. It's not a competition.

KatherinaMinola · 24/08/2014 13:20

Well, there's probably something up, isn't there? Doesn't work, doesn't have kids, doesn't have a great social life. I agree it's probably one of: skint, depressed, long term illness that you don't know about.

There's so much going on in other people's lives that we don't know about. "Busy" is often a euphemism.

Original poster
Namechangedforthisohyesidid · 24/08/2014 19:10

First of all, I don't bang on about how busy I am all the time. I make a concerted effort to not be a baby dickhead and ask my friends what's going on with them. I don't think the world revolves around me at all but have obviously given that impression to some so maybe I need to look at how I come across then?

Thank you to everyone who said I wasn't being U but to the people who said I was I can mostly see your point in that tasks expand into the time you have.

Is it possible though for someone just to be bone idle?

OP posts:
kilmuir · 24/08/2014 19:14

Op you obviously are not that busy if you have time to overthink and compare busyiness!

Suzannewithaplan · 24/08/2014 20:20

Obviously if you have a job, a social life and children there are many demands on your time and lots of things which have to be fitted into your schedule.
In the case of a person without a job, children or busy social life, she may have fewer demands made on her but I expect she has some sort of a routine, things that she does to fill her day and so it seems perfectly reasonable for her to not have many windows of free time.

I suppose the difference is that she has more choice about what she does with her time.

then again ultimately you have chosen your life as a parent and she has made the choices that led her to have more freedom with her daily schedule

Sicaq · 24/08/2014 20:26

She may not be depressed, or skint, or secretly busy. She may just be one of those people who like to tell the world how terribly busy they are. IME genuinely busy people don't bang on about it; they just get whatever needs to be done, done.

Drquin · 24/08/2014 20:36

Of course it's possible just to be bone idle says me from the sofa I've been on most of the day hungover
Whether it's a one-off or a life-style is probably the difference.

We can all have days where we can set aside the busy-competitions and do nothing.
Some of us can have a lot of time where we appear to do nothing (or certainly nothing apparently productive).

If you're worried she's saying she's always busy but are worried for her physical or mental health because you think she's using "busy" as an excuse, then you sound like a nice friend.

murphusmol · 24/08/2014 20:42

I had a very 'busy' friend too but I ditched her. I can't be bothered with people that go on about being busy all the time.

WooWooOwl · 24/08/2014 22:07

Some people are just a bit crap at keeping up with texts. They arrive and if you read them at a moment when you genuinely haven't got a chance to reply, and then it just goes on the mental 'to do' list.

I have friends I love dearly and enjoy spending time with, and just because text messaging exists, using it does not become top of my priorities list.

temporaryusername · 25/08/2014 02:28

OP I am surprised you didn't immediately consider that there may be more to this as KatherinaMinola suggests, rather than not knowing what busy is. Of course we don't know what anyone may be genuinely busy with, but it does sound like it may be a fallback explanation in this case. Perhaps, if you haven't thought about that, your friend has picked up on a lack of empathy, and hasn't felt able to tell you the real reasons. Stick by her and hopefully you can give her some support.

chrome100 · 25/08/2014 06:40

YABU. I don't have kids but I work full time, have a busy social life and play a lot of sport.
In the week I'm up at 530 and usually home around 10pm. Just because you're not a mother it doesn't mean you don't have things to do, even if these things are "optional"

insancerre · 25/08/2014 06:56

Next time just ring her instead of sending a text