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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really hate being invited over on very short notice

94 replies

hashtaglater · 23/08/2014 13:34

I hate this as I always think am second best. Do people think that am just sat waiting for their poxy invites.

Please tell me am not alone!

OP posts:
Original poster
hashtaglater · 23/08/2014 14:58

Yes lorrie I would rather not get invited!

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 23/08/2014 14:59

I can't understand why you keep getting inviting either, OP, you sound very grumpy. Do you take delicious chocolates or something when you do actually deign to go?

ruralmyth · 23/08/2014 15:05

Surely it depends what the invitation's for?
A formal dinner party where someone else has dropped out, yes.
A 'its a bank holiday & sunny, lets go to the pub tonight' no.

The fact that you keep getting invited despite declining means that you must be good company when you do go.

Last minute things are usually the best fun.

Original poster
hashtaglater · 23/08/2014 15:06

Bowlersarm am not grumpy just very organised and hate rushing around

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 23/08/2014 15:08

Morethanalittlebitconfused I suggest that you start a thread in Relationships. You sound very unhappy. Your own thread would give you the chance to explore the problem.

Unexpected · 23/08/2014 15:09

Then don't go! Honestly, it sounds as if you are unhappy whether you are or aren't invited. Last-minute invitations have nothing to do with being organised. In fact, if you were my friend and could only cope with social occasions being organised way in advance we would probably lose touch! Things like big birthday parties, christenings etc obviously you should expect decent notice for but in our household with two working adults, two very busy teenagers, ageing and unwell inlaws and some charity commitments, it just isn's possible or desirable for us to have planned out our casual social meet ups too far in advance.

HappyAgainOneDay · 23/08/2014 15:27

Lupins - I'm pleased to see that about invites versus invitations. Not a takeover of the thread - just an agreement with a post.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 23/08/2014 15:30

I was being pedantic, I know, but it really sets my teeth on edge.

Thumbwitch · 23/08/2014 15:33

I started to get the arse when my parents did this. Not because I didn't want to go (although sometimes that too) but because it wasn't like they didn't know about the event well ahead of time, they just couldn't be arsed to let me know until the day/day before, and it was the assumption that I'd have nothing else on so of course would be free that really riled me.
I did deliberately turn a few down to make the point, although some I genuinely had other stuff going on that was too late to re-arrange.

One that REALLY pissed me off though was when I'd been away for the weekend, got back in the afternoon to find a phone message from my Dad from that morning, telling me about an event that I would have really liked to have gone to that happened at midday. So he gave me 2 hours notice, despite having known about it for at least a fortnight, and I missed it because I wasn't just sat in the house doing fuck all. That was actually the trigger for my starting to refuse to go to stuff unless they gave me adequate notice, I was so upset with their attitude.

mintbaileys · 23/08/2014 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hashtaglater · 23/08/2014 15:45

I don't disagree with taking own food but not on short notice.

OP posts:
Mrsstarlord · 23/08/2014 15:47

Flippin eck! Why assume that people think you are waiting around doing nothing? Maybe they are just spontaneous people?

I never know what I'm doing any further than a few hours ahead, not because I don't have any respect for other people but because I live my life in the here and now. I find booking holidays stressful because I hate the thought of committing to something so far ahead, would much rather just get on a plane and go. Christmas takes me by surprise every year because I just don't notice it sneak up on me.

I totally understand that not everyone functions like me so would not be remotely surprised or offended if people said no or couldn't come to a spontaneous event, however I would be pretty pissed off if they thought that I was doing it to be selfish. It has absolutely nothing to do with that, it is purely that I'm more laid back and tend to go with the flow. I hate wearing a watch and only own one so that I can tell how long I've been teaching for at work.

Terms like 'adequate notice' give me the heebie jeebies, it's like being on a schedule - 'the fun will commence at 7.30 sharp on the third Saturday in November and not a moment sooner, we will all pull our party poppers at the designated time and in an orderly fashion in order to minimise mess'.

XiCi · 23/08/2014 15:51

I often will decide to have a bbq at the last minute, just to take advantage of an unexpected sunny day, or will invite friends round for drinks last minute.
Thankfully none of them are as paranoid as you OP or I'd see a lot less of them. Also it's usually the impromptu get togethers that you end up enjoying the most.
When you have kids it's sometimes hard to arrange things weeks in advance and you can end up just taking advantage of some free time that has come up at short notice.
Why not accept an invitation. Beats sitting on the sofa getting all bitter and twisted about it.

Thumbwitch · 23/08/2014 15:51

I couldn't live like you, Mrsstarlord. And I'm not exactly organised! I also don't have a watch, and I'm not bothered about exact timings - but your lifestyle is way too chaotic for me.

thesaurusgirl · 23/08/2014 15:54

People are busy and very often they can't make plans ahead because of work or childcare situations.

If I finish work early or a meeting is cancelled, I'll often have a ring around to see if anyone fancies a cheeky drink or lunch out. I don't work my way down a list of desirables either - I just think, "Haven't seen X in ages, let's see if she's around."

YABVU!

twizzleship · 23/08/2014 15:54

No, you're not alone!

Do people think that am just sat waiting for their poxy invites No, they just think that our lives are nowhere near as busy and important as theirs and we are able to just drop what we're doing and run over to give them the company they demand.

my older narc sis used to do this. i used to live ten minutes away from my mums house, nobody ever told me my sis was coming up and my sis never ever mentioned her plans to me either. however, once at my mums house she would send me a one line email on fb either late that evening or the next day, something like 'we're at mums', that was my invite! i was expected to drop whatever i was doing or whatever plans i had made and go over to see them. i invited her to my house plenty of times but there was always an excuse as to why she couldn't. she was of the thinking that because i had no kids that meant anything i had going on in my life was not important and therefore could be dropped at a moments notice!

eventually i got fed up being treated like that and just replied 'sorry, i'm busy, you should have given me some notice that you were coming up'. Of course, that would then be twisted into 'you can't be bothered making an effort' which i just ignored. so yes, with people like that you are always 'damned if you do and damned if you don't'.

Mrsstarlord · 23/08/2014 15:56

We have bottlenecks when things catch up but it always works out in the end Thumbwitch. So much less stressful than living with a 'to do' list.

Bizarrely people at work perceive me as being organised but thats because I do stuff when it needs doing without a big fanfare. I'm very laid back (and very annoying!) Grin

RainbowB7 · 23/08/2014 15:58
Confused

I am quite spontaneous and often plan things last minute or ask people if they want to go out on short notice. Don't see the problem. If they have prior arrangements and can't come then so be it, not a problem. I don't see why anyone would be offended at being asked though.

Thumbwitch · 23/08/2014 16:01

Twizzle - "No, they just think that our lives are nowhere near as busy and important as theirs and we are able to just drop what we're doing and run over"
This is how DH thinks too, I'm sure. Or he's just a thoughtless bugger, one or the other - he just expects his mum to drop everything and come and baby sit with less than a day's notice at times. She has a life too! I have to make sure that she has been asked, or ask her myself, for babysitting favours, because he won't do it with plenty of notice, he'll do it the day before or even that morning! We have had to forgo at least one dinner out because she wasn't available, but it still hasn't been enough for him to change his habits.

We're going to a concert next week, hoping to stay overnight - I asked MIL yesterday if he'd said anything to her about it yet - no! He wants her to stay at ours overnight with our 2 boys but wouldn't have got around to mentioning it to her until the day before if I hadn't said anything, and we really can't afford for her not to be available! (No other babysitting choices, sadly - not overnight anyway, and certainly not with 24h or less notice!)

Mrsstarlord · 23/08/2014 16:09

If you are busy say no! People will deal with it - there really doesn't need to be an ulterior motive.

Some people plan, some people don't - doesn't mean that they think they are busier or more important, in fact perhaps the opposite is true? Perhaps the people who are laid back don't think of their time as important whereas those who are a little more organised do? Just a thought Wink

BackforGood · 23/08/2014 16:10

Do people think that am just sat waiting for their poxy invites No, they just think that our lives are nowhere near as busy and important as theirs and we are able to just drop what we're doing and run over to give them the company they demand

What absolute poppycock. I mean, I obviously can't speak for your sister, but it certainly doesn't generalise to the rest of the people who allow a bit of spontaneity in their lives. I just think - 'I fancy going out tonight, I wonder if X is free'. If they are, then great, if they aren't then I might try someone else or I might think, oh, never mind, we'll catch up soon. I wouldn't be offended if they were already doing something, or were too knackered or completely broke or something, but I'd think them very odd if they just said no because it wasn't planned 3 weeks in advance. tbh, they would stop getting invitations from me.

I agree with what XiCi says ^

LadyLuck10 · 23/08/2014 16:11

Some people really choose to be miserable. If you can't make it then just say no-simple! The world isn't out to offend you.
I can't imagine living life analyzing everything for ulterior motives.

maddening · 23/08/2014 16:15

Bbqs can happen at short notice - what with the weather. My colleague is always having her parents phone up in the afternoon at work to say the weather's good let's have a BBQ.

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/08/2014 16:19

Good grief. Don't fucking go then! Some people are never satisfied.

AnotherGirlsParadise · 23/08/2014 16:41

The world isn't out to offend you.

THIS. I used to be friends with someone who got huffy about being 'second best' when it wasn't the case at all, and her self-centred behaviour got so bastard annoying that I just stopped having anything to do with her full stop. Just be gracious about being invited at all.