to leave a 14.5 year old on charge of a 3 yr old and 12 year old from 6pm to midnight?

[numptieseverywhere]

our babysitter has let us down. We were supposed to be at a wedding reception in London in a few weeks. To get there involves a 40 min train journey. I'm looking for a new babysitter but our 14 yr old is 'really embarrassed' and thinks she should be able to babysit. But it's a long time to leave her in charge and I'm not sure. Is 14 too young to babysit?

If you think she will manage to do it ok, I would do as follows (and I also like the idea of having an extra, slightly older, pair of hands for a bit of the time).

• I'd pay her. Agree a rate with her, perhaps not a full babysitting rate but something you can agree, on the basis that whatever your ground rules are, are followed (e.g. TV, door locking, calm supervision, phonecalls or texts every however-so-often and in any instance of serious junior rebellion!) This would, I hope, focus the mind rather a lot.

• I'd probably also make a little timeline with pictures/stickers for what the 3 yo is going to do, such as have tea, watch (insert favourite thing here), play lego, get ready for bed, brush teeth, bedtime story...etc, for the little one rather than the 14 yo. Smiley faces for everything that she does by the book!

If you trust her, let her try. Maybe arrange something to do with the 12 yr old once the 3 yr old is asleep - maybe a new DVD and chocolate? Arrange a bedtime with the 12 yr old and spell it out that you expect your 12yr old to stick to the agreement so the 14yr old isn't babysitting as such for her sibling, just the 3yr old and keeping an eye on the 14yr old.

I was babysitting at 12 and was fine. Home alone with my younger sister at nighttime till the following morning from 13yrs and I got us sorted fine.

I would be completely happy with this situation, OP. Overnight, no, 6 hours in the evening - absolutely.

But I wouldn't pay her, as a PP suggested. When my daughter was getting close to the age when she could babysit her younger brother, I was thinking about paying her and my friend (a mum of 4) said if I had any sense, I'd not go down that road. If you pay them once, they'll have the hand out every time you need them to do even the slightest bit of supervision ("Could you keep an eye on Junior while I get something out of the attic, please?" "How much?")!!

I think she is far too young for that much responsibility when you are so far away. Different if you were 20 minutes away by car (so much less in an emergency), but not that far and not by train.

I say this knowing how she feels, I felt the same at her age.

I did start babysitting (for other people) at 13/14 but my parents were always only a phone call away and they used to get someone to come to our house if they were going far afield - which I used to find mortifying - but looking back, my brother and I did fight like cat & dog and they did the right thing - even though I hated it at the time.

I would see if she could go to a friends for a sleep over & get a babysitter for the younger two. If that's not an option, maybe she could have a friend sleep over at yours.

When you do start to leave them at home on their own, then I wouldn't pay her either. She isn't babysitting to earn money, she's a) asking to be treat like an adult, not a child, in the family b) everyone in the family pulls their weight c) looking after your siblings when you are home anyway should not be seen as a chore. Fair enough when they are older and could be babysitting for others or out with their friends maybe - but not when they are just asking to stay home/not have a babysitter.

You focus their mind by warning them that if the rules aren't followed, it wont happen again.

Personally no chance.

Would your 14 year old no what to do if the 3 year old took ill? Would they know how to safely get the 3 year old out of their was a fire? Unlikely but not impossible.

I think if the 14 and 12 year old get on well and will work as a team to look after the 3 year old then it would be fine. My oldest dd started to babysit at 14 for a few neighbours, she was always very responsible. My youngest west ready to babysit until she was 15.

It makes me laugh when people say that babysitters should be aged 18+, when young people get to that age they don't want to babysit! they are too busy having night out of their own

I couldn't do it. Maybe the 14 and 12 year old but i think 3 is too young to be left with the 14 year old.

If you trust them and you can brief a neighbour in case of emergency then yes I'd do it. I'd make the two older ones equal partners though to save arguments of 'you can't tell me what to do' and I'd get some nice grown up snacks in as a reward rather than money.

I don't think I would leave them. Not least because you'll spend all night worrying about them and won't enjoy your evening anyway.

Would it be possible for her to have a sensible friend round to stay the night (if friends parents would allow it). Might give you confidence if there are two 14 year olds there.

My 14 year now babysits our 11, 7 and 3 year olds but has not put the 3 year old to bed. DS is excellent at managing toddler behaviour but I suspect 3 year old would be a pickle at bedtime. I'd do a dry run. I'd also drive if poss so you can get back quicker. I'd see if a neighbour coul be on call if necessary.

But, do you dare call it babysitting. I can't concieve of a time when DD2, would have accepted her three year older sister was in charge. Even though when I did once lose them in town, it was DD1 who kept a calm head and sorted out a parent finding plan.

we have started to allow 14 yr old ds to babysit his brothers. they are 11 and 7. Just daytime at the moment. the deal is that they have to behave, listen to ss and amuse themselves sensibly. I'd they let us down then that's it, they won't be allowed to stay home again. we are never far away, shopping, walking dog, local friends etc and only few hrs maximum. They haven't let us down yet....
I think 14 is old enough to look after a younger siblings for a short while but being a 40 min train journey away would worry me. can you have a neighbour on standby just incase they need help quickly?

I think it will be absolutely fine.

If leaving at 6pm could you put 3 year old to bed early? I would just take 3 year old out all day walking/ swimming etc so tired early and do early dinner and bed for them. Then the putting to bed problem solved ( although you might get early wake up in am!)

Then order older 2 pizza to be delivered as treat. Personally I would let them both stay up until midnight if they wanted, and tell them they can have duvets and films on sofa.

If 3 year old wakes and they can't get back to sleep they can put a 3 year old friendly film on and all get under duvets on sofa with popcorn

Write a list of emergency contacts

My daughter baby sat at 14 for friends children. She also stayed at home alone when we went out occasionally and looked after her 12 yr old brother. But they are all different. I would advice a trial run. Pop out for a local meal one evening and see how it goes.

I'd not worry at all about leaving a 14 yr old and a 12yr old (have a 15 and 13 yr old here). Neither of my two have babysat, but I'd be happy for them to do so, and started babysitting myself at 14. Where we live they run babysitting courses from age 11 (and home alone from 10) so that children have a basic idea of first aid, what to do in an emergency etc. Great idea.

I do think that in general a 14 year old should be mature enough to look after younger siblings for an evening, but it depends on how much practice she has had, and who she can call on if anything should go wrong. You and your dh will presumably be on the other end of a phone for advice, but I'd want a neighbour or someone more local primed to be there just in case if your dd isn't very experienced.

I'd definitely do a trial run.

I wouldn't. It's the being 40 minutes away by train that would worry me. 5-10 minutes round the corner would be Ok.

If they are sensible and you trust them, why not? Get them to practise in advance.

No, not at all. Maybe the older two but not a 3 year old.

Would there be an adult available close by for back up if there was an emergency(neighbour?friend?).
If so I think it would be okay.
I think 14year old would be fine with 3year old-but what is relationship like between 12yr old and 14 year old? Would she try to boss him? Would he argue back? Might they fight?
I think I would only do it if you have an adult locally who has agreed to be back up.

I think you need 2 or 3 dry runs beforehand, increasing the time away and the level of responsibility each time.

The 40 minutes away, by train, would be the biggest issue. Is there a close family member or friend who is much closer who could be their emergency contact.

You also need to lay down some rules.

• Who is in charge of what?
• Who to call in case of emergency?
• How to deal with x, y, z?

Also
The 12y needs to know that the 14y is in charge.
The 14y needs to know they must act in a responsible manner and not do anything to deliberate antagonise the 12y.

I also wouldn't really call in babysitting as such and wouldn't be paying the 14y.

At 14y I was regularly babysitting my younger cousins until midnight and later. I was changing nappies, putting them to bed, feeding them ,etc. Likewise I would look after my own sister who is 9/10 years younger (plus we have a brother a year young than me).

A lot depends on the individual children involved, but some practise runs would be a good idea.