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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to hope my son's biological father never attempts to gain access?

40 replies

LauraPalmerOfTwinPeaks · 22/08/2014 11:05

He is not on the birth certificate so has no parental responsibility, has never met my son or even made contact to ask whether he is ok. We split up when I was 3 months pregnant and I haven't seen him since, my son is 7mo.
Will he legally be able to apply for access at any time during my DS's childhood? I am worried, for mine and my son's sake, that he will turn up out of nowhere in 10 years time and insist on seeing him.

I have made countless failed attempts to arrange a meeting with him, he is not interested and ignores my messages / calls.

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 22/08/2014 11:07

Yes he can apply for contact at any time
But it will be a slow regular build up where he will have to both attend and prove himself capable before he gets unsupervised

Droflove · 22/08/2014 11:10

Why do you not want him in your son's life? Until I understand that I can't comment about whether you are being unreasonable.

Original poster

LauraPalmerOfTwinPeaks · 22/08/2014 11:14

Because I don't think he deserves the privilege having made a choice not to be involved.

OP posts:

PenisesAreNotPink · 22/08/2014 11:17

It isn't up to you or what you think he deserves, it's about what the needs and the rights of the child. He has only been out of the child's life for 7 months, he's still got 73 years to make it up to him

I hope you are going through the motions for financial support too.

googoodolly · 22/08/2014 11:19

He can apply for contact whenever he wants. He should be on the birth certificate and you should be applying for child maintenance.

Original poster

LauraPalmerOfTwinPeaks · 22/08/2014 11:22

He is 45, so I doubt it. Would you think that if my son was 15, and we hadn't heard from him? I don't understand the logic, that it's fine for people who neglect their children to swan in and out as they please.

OP posts:

FamiliesShareGerms · 22/08/2014 11:23

Doesn't your son deserve to know his father, if not now but at some point in their life?

I'm an adoptive parent and one of the hardest parts is managing my LO's relationship - albeit through an annual letter - with her birth parents because there is a clear body of evidence that shows adopted children are better off understanding who their bio family are rather than pretending they don't exist. Even though I find it very hard.

googoodolly · 22/08/2014 11:26

Your son deserves to make his own mind up about his father - it's not upto you to say he can't be involved unless he's been abusive.

You should put him on the birth certificate and apply for child maintenance so that he supports his child. That's for your son's benefit - he deserves to have his father support him at least financially, even if he can't be bothered to do anything else yet (if at all).

Original poster

LauraPalmerOfTwinPeaks · 22/08/2014 11:29

It is not my prerogative that my son's father does not want to be involved. Obviously, I would never have chosen this. I want what is best for my baby, and a rubbish father who appears out of nowhere in years to come can't be good, can it? :( I do not want my baby having to spend time with a stranger who doesn't care about him.

OP posts:

Original poster

LauraPalmerOfTwinPeaks · 22/08/2014 11:31

Googoodolly I cannot put him on the birth certificate because we are not married and he doesn't want to be.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 22/08/2014 11:37

Laura, he's said he doesn't want any contact (or at least intimated it by not bothering when you try to contact him).

You have done enough to try and facilitate a relationship. He does have rights to want contact at a later date but the chances are he'll not be bothered so I wouldn't worry about it.

longtallsally2 · 22/08/2014 11:44

It's wonderful that your son has you looking out for him. As he grows up he will know that you were there for him, you will have shared experiences and feelings and have developed a good understanding of each other and of each others values. If you meet someone else who is there for him, he will grow close to them too, and learn to respect and love them. This will all give him a good footing, so that if he sees his father he will be able to see him for what he is. It sounds as if you have strong feelings still about his father and the way he left you/treated you, but your son will have to make up his own mind one day.

If his stranger-father turns up at any stage, he will probably be curious to meet him. If he doesn't be prepared that your son may well ask about and want to find him at some stage, and he may well have drawn up an imaginary picture of his biological father as some sort of knight in shining armour.

You will be able to support him through that to see that his biological father is an ordinary, rather weak man, who must have some redeeming qualities (or you presumably wouldn't have been in a relationship with him) but who has also not been around for him.

In the meantime, don't let this cast a cloud over you. It might not happen at all, or it might be years away, by which time, you will have had plenty of time to ensure that your ds is a confident, happy young man.

googoodolly · 22/08/2014 11:49

Ah, that's different, fair enough.

You sound like a great mum but your son does have a right to know his father, however rubbish he might be. Deal with any desire for contact as it comes, and leave all avenues of communication open so that he can't say you disppeared and blocked him from having contact.

If he doesn't care, your son will learn that, but he won't thank you if you do anything to stop any potential contact, if that makes sense?

Original poster

LauraPalmerOfTwinPeaks · 22/08/2014 11:53

Thank you longtallsally2 :') I'm obviously being a bit irrational. I made another attempt to contact him this morning and promised myself it would be the last time, I have not had a response and feel so angry on my son's behalf.

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 22/08/2014 11:58

Your son is still a baby. Contact with a baby invariably means contact with the mother!! Is this what he's avoiding?

deakymom · 22/08/2014 15:56

you can't put him on the birth certificate without him physically being in the room to agree he is the actual father if you could so many people would put hrh prince of wales etc on there then they could legally sue for child support

look you have done your best let it go now

does he have any family? like a mum she might appreciate being told and could be someone to send pictures too

i know how you feel my ex has nothing to do with my dd i tried i pleaded i begged paid him money nothing worked he blames me totally even his mom does and i used to ring her to beg her to intervene and talk to him she always said no she wasn't getting involved now none of them have seen her for years

i tried!

girliefriend · 22/08/2014 16:08

Sounds like a similar situation to mine and my dds, her dad had never met her and ignored my attempts to contact him. He is not on the birth certificate which I am glad about as would not want him to have any parental responsibility.

You are doing fine, I would get on with your lives and not worry about the him. If you want to go after him for financial support then that is obv up to you. I made the decision early on that I would rather not have anything from him so didn't go the csa.

He knows where we are if he ever changes his mind and I would be open to him having contact if he showed any interest. I am fairly certain that dd will one day want to find him and I will support her in doing that when she is old enough to handle the possibility of rejection.

needanew · 22/08/2014 16:10

if he doesnt want to be on the birth certificate ,has never bothered with him and doesnt pay a penny then he doesnt deserve to ever be in your sons life , id make sure my son knew that when he was older .

Chunderella · 22/08/2014 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/08/2014 16:16

If he does have a change of heart at some point, he will be obliged to build up contact slowly - if he suddenly appears making demands you do not have to obey him and if he won't be reasonable he can be told to fuck off, stonewalled and blocked for quite some time, because the law is all about the best interest of the child, not about what the adults want. Though, if you cannot prove that he is abusive or dangerous (eg a drug addict or suffering from some sort of MH problems which mean it's not safe for a child to be in his care) then he will be allowed some contact.
WHat you should probably do now is make a note or print out emails etc so you have a record of your attempts to make contact happen, and his refusals, in case it does come to court involvement later. Also, you need to prepare a story for your DS, for when he asks - and he will, eventually - about his dad. I don't mean you should lie to him, but that you should present the truth in a way that is not hurtful to the child. EG explain that some people are just not very good at being parents and that's why his father is not involved in his life, or that people can change their minds and learn how to be good parents (if the father does reappear). What you want to avoid is the DS blaming himself for the lack of a father.

M27J5M · 22/08/2014 16:22

I am in similar position although my son has met his dad and he's on birth certificate! He vanished when he was a baby, briefly reappeared last year and vanished after 2 visits

Deftones · 22/08/2014 16:27

DD is 6, her bio dad has never met her. He has been told that he can initiate contact at any point, he hasn't bothered. he's not on the birth certificate as he didn't want anything to do with her. His choice

He has never replied to any contact, he's even walked passed her a few times. Weirdo, however he will be getting a letter next year when my soon to be DH applies for legal adoption

you've done all you can, you will go through emotional ups and downs but just keep in mind that he may come along but there is little you can do, other than support your child fully. If he's anything like DD's bio, he'll be in no rush

Hurr1cane · 22/08/2014 17:00

actually no, if you weren't married, and he isn't on the birth certificate, he has no rights. Right or wrong this is the case. I know this through trying to help my bet friend gain contact with his child, the woman left him when she was pregnant, refuses a DNA test and doesn't want my friend involved, all because 'she doesn't want him to have a part time dad and has found him a new dad'

There's fuck all he can do until the child is old enough.

All he has is a photo he took off her Facebook page.

It's heartbreaking.

Chunderella · 22/08/2014 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Singmetosleepzzz · 22/08/2014 18:02

YANBU. I would feel exactly the same as you, all you can do is be prepared in case he does.

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