AIBU to hope my son's biological father never attempts to gain access?

[LauraPalmerOfTwinPeaks]

He is not on the birth certificate so has no parental responsibility, has never met my son or even made contact to ask whether he is ok. We split up when I was 3 months pregnant and I haven't seen him since, my son is 7mo.
Will he legally be able to apply for access at any time during my DS's childhood? I am worried, for mine and my son's sake, that he will turn up out of nowhere in 10 years time and insist on seeing him.

I have made countless failed attempts to arrange a meeting with him, he is not interested and ignores my messages / calls.

You done your best to facilitate contract, you cannot do it if the other person does not want it or does not want any part in your ds life. Just leave it, and hope he does not. Be honest to ds about his father, who he is etc. have contact details for him in case your ds asks.

He did. Didn't work. He can't prove he's the dad, she just says he isn't.

And they can't force a DNA test. She just says no. They can't force her to give one. Until the child is old enough to consent itself there's nothing he can do.

OP, my situation is exactly the same as yours - exactly - except I'm 8 years further down the line from you. My ex left me for someone else when I was four months pregnant, wanted nothing to do with DS and has tried every trick in the book to avoid paying towards his upkeep (and succeeded ). Just as I did, you've done all you can to facilitate contact, so just leave it now or you'll stress yourself out trying to understand how anyone can just walk away from their own child. Close the door, but don't lock it. All you can do is be a great mother to your DS and it sounds like you are already.

I'm you 3 years on. DS has met his bio dad on a handful of occasions, the last being 2 years ago in March. We live in a town you can cross by foot in half hour. He knows where I live. He has my number. Infact he text me last week as he went in the pub I live opposite to tell me I'm looking good. Didn't ask about his son. He could appear in DS's life at any point. His brothers visit!

I've just had a baby with DP and have used words to the effect of a different man out you in my belly, he couldn't be your daddy so we picked you the best daddy in the world. (DP is his dad for all intents and purposes since he was 6 months old). He's happy with that and hopefully it'll avoid some sort of eastenders moment when he's older.

I know DS will want to meet him again. I know ex will regret not being involved later. Nothing I can do about it but hope DS remembers the dad who raised him is far more important than a glorified sperm donor.

That's not out experience at all tiggytape. They said she refused and there was no more we could do.

Don't get your emotions mixed up in what's right for your child. If he asks for contact in the future that is a good thing as long as he is not a violent or v irresponsible person. Just because someone makes a v bad decision at a point in their lives doesn't mean they can't mature and regret it in the future. Not all do. But some realise their actions were foolish and try to make amends. That would be good for your son. I hope it happens.

Hi OP,

I completely understand where you are coming from, and I am a couple of decades ahead of you, but was in a similar position with my DD.

It is incredibly hard not to be emotional about it, you love your DS so much, it actually feels offensive that their other bio parent appears to have no feelings for them, it used to feel like an insult to me personally when I was in that situation. My DD's father had seen her a handful of times in her first year, but disappeared when she was a year old. No contact, no idea where he went..... for 18 years.

Then he reappeared out of the blue wanting to see her, really sorry, can't believe he'd done it, he always thought of her etc etc. It was an awful time for DD, and me and my DH (who had been with me since DD was 2).

DD met him (I was very open to him seeing her and encouraged her to meet him), she was obviously curious, and was probably hoping he would be a perfect dad now.

When things didn't go as he planned and DD found it very hard to build any kind of relationship with a complete stranger who knew nothing about her whole life, he didn't like it. DD was obviously old enough to see things as they really were, but it did take her months to feel able to cut contact with him for good when he still let her down and broke promises. She no longer sees him, and he again makes no effort with her. So as sad as it is, sometimes men really aren't bothered, and can switch off to the fact they fathered a child and abandoned them.

Sorry for long story, things may well be different for you and your DS as he is only a baby, but although I am sure you would facilitate contact if you have to, you may not have to. I'd keep a low profile and not contact him again, but be open to things if he does. You may just find he still can't be bothered even if he does get back in touch, it's hard work being a proper dad and he may not be up to it.

It turned out DD's dad had quickly married and taken on a step daughter a year younger than DD. So he preferred to help raise another child than see his own.... tough one for DD to deal with but she's doing well.

Yes in the uk

Right, thanks for that. He's given up all hope.

YANBU, OP. Why would you want someone in your child's life who thinks they can just pick and choose when to bother with them, and only plays parent when it suits them?

if he doesnt want to be on the birth certificate ,has never bothered with him and doesnt pay a penny then he doesnt deserve to ever be in your sons life , id make sure my son knew that when he was older .

I'd be careful about that. The boy might wonder why he was rejected by his father and could think it was own fault.